nolan's 12th birthday

here's a little video from Nolan's 12th birthday and ella's 1st... it's painful to watch these videos, but it's also good...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq_dI9eAixg&feature=youtu.be

 

I love my kids.... I miss my silly boy

Nolan, always full of laughter, silliness, ideas, creativity, heart, hugs, everything you could want in a child... I miss him so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJZqYZGEL8s&feature=youtu.be

trying to link that... i'll do it both ways.

grilling in the backyard

today we grilled for the first time all summer.  very unusual for us because we usually grill often.  this was our first grill out at home without Nolan.  one thing that made it a little easier actually is that Liam is out of town.  so it wasn't all of us minus Nolan... we weren't complete anyway... so I guess it was a good day to do it.  through the years, Nolan would help daddy make hotdogs, chicken, hamburgers... eventually liam wanted to help too.  today logan took over and helped his daddy.  I remember the last time Nolan did the hamburgers & they didnt' turn out so well.  several crumbled into the grill... but he sure loved trying.  gosh I miss him.  he'd never have let us go this long without grilling this summer... never. 

health

dying from a broken heart is actually something that happens... I've read many stories about folks who basically after a loved one died, their health began to fail.

I'm sick with the worse c old I have ever had right now... I keep thinking that my grief has kicked my heart, my immunity, my health to the curb.  I'm never sick like this.  Also when I went to the Dr last week my blood pressure was high.... that could be caused by the illness or even the meds I'm taking, but it's staying high.    I have a monitor at home.  I'm checking it.  Still high.  But then again, still sick, still taking otc meds.  My blood pressure was fine before Nolan died.  It's the grief killing me?

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm a hypochondriac of sorts... therefore, now that I know it's high, I'm stressing about it and making myself feel worse.  If it doesn't go down by next week, I will make an appointment with a Dr.  I may be heartbroken, but I don't want to die.  I have four other children who need me.  So if you are reading this, please say a prayer for me.

Poison Ivy

Nolan always was prone to poison ivy.  He would break out so bad & swell up & often need to be taken to the dr for a shot.  He'd miss events, soccer practices, anything involving friends because it hurt so bad.  His hands would be covered in blisters.  His eyes swollen shut.  Poor boy. 

Logan has had it bad a few times.  Today he awoke with swollen eyes, stuff all over his body, swollen private parts.  He had to go to the dr for a shot.  reminded me so much of Nolan. 

I miss you Nolan

That's all.  I just miss you. so. so. much.

jealousy

it's irrational, it's selfish, it's not right.... but I am so jealous of everyone now.  everyone that is happy.  everyone that seems to have everything go right for them.  when I "hear" them on facebook saying the most minor thing, I hear it in a disturbing braggy voice.  even though these aren't people who brag.  these are kind, loving people who are just sharing their life like so many of us do on facebook, including myself....  but right now, all of it hurts when I see it.  facebook always has kind of lent itself to that, to envy...  you know, one week I am struggling to pay the bills while I see joe schmoe posting pics from a fabulous vacation... or one week I am irritated with dear hubby about something because that is marriage, there are irritations sometimes, but that week I am irritated, everyone is posting about a handy dh who builds a deck or a dh who surprises them with something fantastic...  so that's facebook in general.... but now, oh yeah, now with my loss being what it is I am jealous about the stuff like "today is jimmy's birthday, happy birthday to my firstborn son"... yeah, that makes me jealous.  or just the normal mundane stuff that makes me feel like why can't I have normal and mundane and normal and NOLAN right here with me.... why?????  i'm so sick of this pain.  I ignore it as much as I can.  I distract myself, mostly with tv or dumb games on the computer.  but it's there.  and I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have this pain.  i'm jealous.  it's irrational, it's selfish, and it's not right... but it's just the way I am right now.