Nolan Drawing With His Feet

Nolan was an artist.  He was drawing constantly from the time he was able to pick up a crayon.  Here's a video of him when he went through his phase of drawing with his feet. 

Nolan, you were the first....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1653850-you-were-the-first

people's positive words

people often tell me they worry about saying the wrong thing to me.  in all honesty, nothing anyone says to me is going to make me upset with them.  however, often what they say can really warm my heart.  does it make me less sad?  no.  i'm sad forever.  but they can comfort me with their kindness, their positive outlook, their belief in God and Heaven and that Nolan is there.  It's comforting.  I'm thankful for these people.  in all my miserableness, i'm thankful for these people.

Disbelief

There's still a certain level of disbelief as I walk through every single day in a haze of gloom and grief.  I look at Nolan's smiling face in photographs and I am filled with such a desperate longing to see him again.  I relive that awful moment of walking into his bedroom that horrific morning.  I shut my eyes and I open them and yes, I'm awake.  It's not a dream.  It is a terrible reality.  Terrible.  That's not even an evil enough word for it.    Horrific?  I do not think there is a word in the English language that can truly describe it, losing your child like this.  Losing your child period is a nightmare.  And we can argue what way is the worst way.  Patrick and I have said a few times that suicide would have been worse.  Or knowing your child was a victim of molestation.  But.... the trauma that we all feel from that day, the post-traumatic stress that we feel.... finding our beautiful son dead in his bedroom when he went to bed healthy.... How can I believe it is real? 

Pictures of Nolan climbing trees

it shouldn't be so difficult to visit my son....

but it is.....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1614512-visiting-the-cemetery

unable to keep up with anything, especially my house

I would be extremely humiliated if anyone who helped with all the work around my house in January were to walk in the door right now.  I would hang my head in shame and probably never be able to look them in the eye again.... My house is a mess.

I've never been a great housekeeper, but I do TRY.... I try....

Seriously though, between my anxiety attacks that have made me physically feel ill, Ella being sick, lack of good spirit period, I can't seem to get motivated to anything.  I can't keep up.  I'm not good at having the kids help.  Oh I will say "logan pick up the living room" and he'll pick it up, but it's not clean... he's just picked up some of the clutter. Or Ciara will decide to vacuum.  I miss my old living room rug.... the one that we have now shows every single spec of dirt.  I can vacuum it and five minutes later it looks dirty.  the old rug was beautiful rich colors and shag and you couldn't see any dirt!  So the kids help, don't get me wrong.... But it's not enough.  Nolan was my truly good helper.  If I asked him to do a job, he did it completely.  Not tryin to compare everyone to him.  He was older. And therefore, he should have been better at it. 

I have tried getting rid of things, but they just continue to pile up.  Everything is just a mess.  And I just can't get it clean.  It's horrible.  I think being depressed and sad just doesn't help.  My energy level is blah.