another poem

I hope everyone realizes when they read my poetry, that I am writing it with children talking, distracting, etc.  It may be my excuse, but it is true....
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1934316-what039s-it-like-in-heaven

one year ago today

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1932441-the-clock-is-ticking

Living up to Nolan

When Nolan was still alive, I worried about Liam living in his shadow.  Nolan always seemed to do what was right; whereas Liam struggles with it. 

Honestly, since the death of my sweet child, I even worry more now.  Especially his dad, he seems to put Nolan on a pedestal.  And Liam cannot live up to the perfect image that Patrick has in his head.  I feel bad for Liam. 

Time Travel

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1924117-52-weeks-ago-today

Distracted on Nolan's Last Day

I can't bear the thought of how distracted I was the last day Nolan was alive.  It sickens me.  I think of him telling me that his teeth were getting whiter and I said "uh huh." as I looked briefly at him, then back at whatever screen I was busy looking at.  that's me.  the distracted mom.  the computer/phone/tablet mom.  I love my kids.  do they know?  or do they think I love the internet more?  did Nolan know how loved he was, how loved he is?????  I miss him more than anything and would give anything to have that day back, to spend every moment talking to him.  listening to his precious voice. 

Our First Christmas Without Nolan

Well, we have made it through several horrible milestones, several firsts.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, his birthday.... Yesterday was our first Christmas without Nolan.  We survived.  We smiled.  We laughed.  We ate.  We opened gifts.  We went to a cemetery......

A cemetery on Christmas was not a place I ever considered going.... 

I hosted the holiday at my small house.  Before indulging in our holiday feast and opening gifts, we caravanned to my son's grave.  The slushy, snow-covered ground brought back memories of a day nearly a year ago.... the day we lost our son.  As usual, the two boys were running around playing.  A snowball fight ensued.  After a quiet moment of grieving graveside, daddy and I both threw a snowball at Nolan's headstone.  We knew if he were with us, he'd want to be having a snowball fight. 

I did not cry all day....  I felt sadness.  I think it is the medicine I am taking.  I am just not crying as much.  I suppose that is ok.  I started on the meds because I couldn't control my crying and I was having anxiety attacks all the time.  So it's better to be more even keel.  However, I feel like I should be crying..... 

Happy Birthday in Heaven my Son

Well, I'm about twenty minutes early saying it.  It is nearly midnight though.  And all I can think about is you Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  What I would give to be able to hug you today. 

here's a post I wrote about some of the birthdays past....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1873949-fourteen-years-ago