Monday, July 15, 2013

scared

some nights I just go to bed scared... scared that i'm going to wake up to another child dead in bed.  I hate it.  I second guess everything.  my kids complain about some minor tummy ache, chest thing, headache, leg ache.... I worry.  because I didnt' worry enough with Nolan.  but then, I think, they are fine.  but Nolan was fine.  see...  it's awful.  everything about this is awful.  everything.  even when I feel decent and laugh, that's awful.  I shouldn't laugh.  I shouldn't feel decent, even for a moment.  tonight is a scared night.... i'm so scared.  in addition to my immense sadness, i'm just so scared.

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