the fear of forgetting

will I ever forget my son Nolan?  of course not.  but I do fear forgetting... forgetting the little things.  forgetting day to day life with my 5 beautiful children.  forgetting Nolan being the biggest boy, the big helper, the eldest.... my first born son.  oh Nolan.  how I love you and miss you.  how can it be true?  how can you be gone????????  it's so freaking insane.  and yes, I wanted to type the other F word.  that's how messed up my world is that lately I find myself using the f word.  usually in my head and not aloud (thankfully, at this point).    but still, that is NOT me....  but it's so extreme just how awful it is. 

so forgetting you Nolan.  that's my fear. 

we hAVE to move on.  we have to exist without you.  therefore, even though it SUCKS big time, I have to get up and get everyone ready for the day WITHOUT YOU.  I have to teach school WITHOUT YOU.  I have to drive to co-op IWTHOUT YOU.  I have to watch soccer WITHOUT YOU. 

and so, I have to adjust.

I don't want to.

but I have to.  sometimes I am "living" life with the other kids.  and suddenly I realize I havent' thought of you for 5 minutes. 

here's the thing.  even when i'm not thinking of you, your absence has now become part of my very essense, my being.  so even when you are not at the forefront of my mind, every thing I do is affected by you. 

will I forget you? 

never.

but I have always complained about my crappy-ass memory (since becoming a mom... when I was a kid I was straight a's and "gifted")

so I forget stuff.  the only thing I want to forget is finding you dead.  I want to forget that morning.  the worst morning of my life.  however, i'm forgetting stuff. 

why can't I get a sign?  so many people get signs?  why can't I?  why?