your laugh

I wonder if I have your laugh on video?  I miss your laugh

there's this loud pounding in my head

sometimes when you see me smiling & laughing with other adults or my children, there's something you don't see.  it's the loud pounding in my head. 

it's this pounding that is sometimes actual pain, sometimes just noise, sometimes it's like a scream.  it's the noise of anger, sadness, despair. 

it's hard to smile and laugh now.  I do it.  i'm thankful that I have children and friends and other family who make me do it.  but it's hard. 

so if you look at me and think to yourself "how the hell can she act like she's happy after what she's been through?"  just know you don't see everything

how can you not be here anymore?

how? 

I just want to scream and cry and scream some more.  i want to throw things.  i want to have a huge tantrum like my sweet ella still likes to throw. 

how can you not be here Nolan?  how?  i miss you so much.  that doesn't get easier.  the missing you.  it gets harder.  because you seem further and further away from me....

i am so mad at God.  so mad.  there is nothing right about this.  you went to bed "healthy" for God's sake!  you were only 13!!!!!  you had everything in the world to live for! 

you are my boy & i miss you so much.  how can you not be here?

it's going to be a tough couple months

well, honestly, it's going to be a tough life for me, period. 

but already, feeling extra emotional lately... we have entered what has always been my favorite time of year.... especially since becoming a mom.  from now through new years has always been so busy, so crazy, and so joyous to me. 

it was rotten timing too that Nolan's headstone arrived... that started the whirlwind of extra emotions... I feel like I have been crying ever since....

fall leaves, fall pictures iwht the kids....
Halloween... always so much fun for us as a family... even at age 12 last year, Nolan spent Halloween with us, not friends.
thanksgiving.... family
then of course, December... my favorite month of the year... love the entire Christmas season.... everything about it will now be without Nolan... from decorating the tree, to baking cookies, Nolan's letter to santa (always so sweet and thoughtful)....
and Nolan and I's shared birthday.... that was ours.  that was special.  our day. 
and now the anniversary of his death is in my favorite month... what the hell? 

we've never done a lot to celebrate new years eve... though the kids were getting old enough that they looked forward to it.  now?  never can I celebrate that day ever again.

and then from what I have heard, it seems unimaginable, but supposedly the 2nd year without my child will be even worse.....

fear, anger, sadness

These feelings seem to rule my life

aging

Not to be vain, but I used to look younger than my age... oh maybe not a lot, but probably at least five years younger.  And Patrick has always looked five years younger too.

Grief ages you.

I'd guess that in the last nine months, my face has aged at least ten years.  My hair has more grey.  And physically, well, I guarantee my insides have aged as well.  I no longer have a hop in my step.

Emotionally, I'm now ancient.  I've suffered such heartbreak that I now feel a million years old.

Patrick is looking older too.

Grief ages you.

anxiety

I have suffered on and off from anxiety attacks for about six years.  I went through many when Logan was about one.  Then I got over them and they stayed away other than the occasional mild one until Nolan s death.  Now they are back.  They were pretty bad the first couple months, then they lessened a bit.  I had a major one today.  I almost went to the Dr.  I was hyperventilating, about to pass out, all while driving.... real nice.  I've been sick from allergies and then my blood pressure went up and then I just freaked.  I'm so scared all the time, it's no wonder.