there's this loud pounding in my head

sometimes when you see me smiling & laughing with other adults or my children, there's something you don't see.  it's the loud pounding in my head. 

it's this pounding that is sometimes actual pain, sometimes just noise, sometimes it's like a scream.  it's the noise of anger, sadness, despair. 

it's hard to smile and laugh now.  I do it.  i'm thankful that I have children and friends and other family who make me do it.  but it's hard. 

so if you look at me and think to yourself "how the hell can she act like she's happy after what she's been through?"  just know you don't see everything