six months

six months ago my world was shattered...  my son Nolan unexpectedly died in his sleep. 

 I've always been a worrier.  since becoming a mother, that intensified, was multiplied by 1,000 percent... worrying about something happening to my kids, worrying about something happening to me and therefore, not being there for my kids, worrying about something happening to Patrick and therefore, the kids growing up without a dad... I worried about car accidents, cancer, playtime accidents, school shootings, bike wrecks, boys & knives, asthma attacks, something horrible happening during hide and seek, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug use, alcohol use, overdoses....  so many worries. 

I didn't worry about my wonderful son Nolan going to bed on December 30, 2012 because he seemed totally healthy.  His asthma hadn't been acting up really, maybe a little coughing here and there that week, but not much.  He played outside much of the afternoon.  He ate plenty that day and night.  He acted fine.  I didn't worry about him one bit when I lay down to go to sleep that night. 

I didn't worry about a virus attacking his heart cells and killing him in his sleep. 

I didn't worry about that...

Yet....

Six months ago that happened.  Six months ago, Nolan died.  I hate those words so much.  Nolan died.  It's been six months since I talked to my son.  Six months since I kissed him goodnight, hugged him.  Six months since I made him do dishes.  Six months since I heard his voice.  Six months since he ate his birthday nutella... Six months since we sat and watched the avengers together.  Six months since he sat and prayed with his dad. 

Six months of hell. 

Six months. 

I miss you Nolan.

reality and functioning

so often now I feel like i'm living in a sort of haze... i'll think about things, about Nolan, about what happened, and I feel so disconnected like this is just not real.  I don't know if it is still a sort of shock thing.. I don't know.  or just that it is so horrific. 

and functioning... everything is so hard.  I can't seem to plan ahead for anything.  we are getting ready to go on vacation & just the thought of planning it is overwhelming me... I don't have to do MUCH... just plan our route, get a hotel room for the way down & the way back, pack, make lists, shop for stuff, go buy new tires, etc.  but I get kind of sick to my stomach when I start thinking about it. 

functioning:  school... our school year fell apart.  most everyone gets it & says that is the beauty of homeschooling... but i'm still not really handling it.  i'm sort of thankful that our co-op is changing this year to more of a core subject, two days a week with homework the other days kind of thing simply bcause of my inability to function right now... i'm hoping most everything will be taken care of & I won't allow the kids to fall behind more than they fell behind this winter & spring... but functioning to actually participate, well that stresses me out... I can't even think about buying books, and other stuff....

functioning..... getting the kids on a chore schedule... haven't been doing it.  before Nolan died, Nolan, liam, ciara, and me took turns doing dishes... since my sweet son's death, I have probably made ciara and liam do dishes about 3 times... I could use their help, but i'm just not functioning enough to even get the kids on a good routine... thankfully it's summer.

some people, most probably, who haven't experienced the loss of a child probably just cannot understand why  6 months later I still feel like i'm not functioning properly....  I can hear some of their voices saying "gee jill, it's been six months"  no one gets it.  not unless you've lost a child.  it's unlike any pain or suffering you can imagine...

so my functioning is just doing my best and my best may just not be much at all... but i'm doing what I can...

Liam is at scout camp

Scout camp for 10 days the last couple summers was the best part of Nolan's summer.  He LOVED, loved, loved it.  I remember his first summer, 2011.  Patrick wasn't sure he wanted him to go.  It seemed so long.  10 days.  He drove him down.  That was probably a little harder on Nolan than just riding with a friend.  He cried a little.  But he loved it.  He called the first and second night.  Then no more calls.  He wrote a couple times.  The next year, I think he wrote once.  He had no homesickness at all.  Yet, he was so glad to see us at the family visitors day.  He bought me earrings.... I never wore themI have them though.

Liam left today for his first time at Bartle.  He's different, no homesickness.  I dont' foresee any calls.  He may write one letter only because I told him he had to.  It's so bittersweet... I had thought how neat it would be for the two boys to go together... now they won't... ever....

say his name

sometimes I feel like people don't talk about Nolan enough... I mean, certain friends or acquaintances never mention him.  I know people are not always sure how to act...  but seriously, I want people to say his name!!!!  I want people to talk about him.  I want to hear stories.  I don't hear any stories.  A friend on my catholic homeschool loop put out a thing probably a month after Nolan's death about people sharing memories of Nolan... no one did except her.  That kind of hurt.  I mean, didn't any of these people have good memories of him? 

anyway... I like to talk about him.  It might make me cry.  But I still want to.  It's better than not talking about him. 

Nolan should be remembered. 

wanderlust, escape, running away

The last six months I have wanted to go... just pack up and travel....sometimes I imagine running off by myself, but mostly I think of packing up the kids and traveling, just traveling.... places I've never been, places I dream of... I usually don't include Patrick in my plans, but only because I realistically know he hass to work...  but I imagine packing up the kids and just taking off... for a month, a year.... running from this inescapable pain

music part one

music has always played such a big part of my life.  I remember listening to records as a kid.  I remember playing the radio and singing along in the car.  There was always music.  To me, music is memory... it is a chunk of time wrapped up in a song... I hear a song and not only does it make me think of the past, it makes me think of the future.  It makes me think of what might have been. 

I sing.  I sing along with the radio LOUD, all the time... 

I sing... I did choir as a kid.  I wanted to be a rock start.  I sing.

I hear music and I am taken away to a time long, long ago.  I hear music and I feel sad or happy or crazy. 

Music makes me cry.  some songs have always made me cry.... Christmas music, I love it.  I sing it.  But it always has made me cry.  Even before this horrible thing struck my life.  Imagine this Christmas?  I can't.

Now?????  Everything... every song makes me think of Nolan... seriously, when I say every song, I mean eveyr song... somehow it makes me think of my sweet boy.

other people get miracles

What happened to Nolan, to our family, on December 31, 2012 is the complete opposite of a miracle.....  our boring, hum drum daily life was twisted, turned upside down, every good thing dragged through the wringer.

No miracle.