I'm sick from the fear

Every single night I go to bed terrified that another one of my children is going to die in the night.  And every morning I wake up scared to check on them.  Every day.  This is my life.

feeling sorry for myself

Sometimes I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Today is one of those times where I'm feeling the extreme why me feelings... I read a post on one of the grief groups of mothers who were on disability after the death of their child.  I totally get that.  I have a hard time functioning in my world and I do not have to check in art a job every day.  I just don't know how I could do that.

crawling into a hole

Sometimes that's all I want to do.  I don't have it in me to play the social games anymore.  People talk about people, especially women.  They gossip.  Life goes on.  Other people just existing the way they always have.  Me, not having the energy to play nice anymore.  Kids being mean to my kids... I can't even fake a smile anymore when I walk past them.   Petty grievances that shouldn't even matter.  Nolan is gone.  He is buried just a few miles from where I sleep.  There is now a headstone in big letters telling the world that he died.  Does it show the world what we lost?  Can a stranger know what a wonderful boy he was?  None of it is fair.  Why do I have to go on?  Why do I have to try anymore?  Sometimes it's unbearable just trying...

keeping traditions alive

I have four children still to take care of on this earth... they keep me going.  They make me feel moments of happiness.  I must, must, must keep trying for their sake.  I've always been one for traditions.   And now I have to keep on with the traditions even though a part of me feels like throwing in the towel.  Fall pictures in loose park... oh dear Lord, how can I do that this year?   Yet I must.  Birthdays, holidays, and all that goes with that... I must.  My heart is broken.  It will not ever heal, it won't.  But my heart is still full of love for my family and a family needs a mom to keep it going.  I need to be better about spending quality time with my kids, using a gentle tone, showing them love and affection.  They deserve my all even though I feel like my all is shattered.

Nolan, an artist

Today I saw a quote about how artists are like wizards, only they perform magic with pencils instead of wands.   Nolan, I miss your creative self.... so much.  You did perform so much magic in your short life.

sometimes I just feel so alone

Ask anyone who knows me, really knows me, send they will tell you I'm a social butterfly.  Or I was a social butterfly.  Nolan s death has changed everything.  I feel so alone s op .  often. Sitting at co-op, alone at lunch, lonely.  Listening to other moms make plans.  Lonely.  I am alone.

i just get angrier and angrier with God

I wonder if I will ever find faith again.  I'm so angry with God.  Then I find myself doubting the existence of God.  Or believing there is a creator, but not a being who actually listens to or cares about prayers.  What happened to Nolan is so freaking unfair.  I will feel that way until the day I die.  Then I pray for a sign.  A real sign to give me strength to face the rest of my life without Nolan.  And I get nothing.  People say they see signs in birds, butterflies, clouds.... My problem with that is that because of my kids, I have always seen the birds, the butterflies, the clouds.  There is no sign there.  Then our smelly, but sweet dog dies.    Then Patrick's mom dies.  How fair is that?  Then his brother treats us like dirt.  How is all of this part of a plan?  How can my husband be made to suffer over and over.  How can my kids deserve so much pain?  Why can't I have a sign?  Why do I have to feel like an outcast at co-op, sitting alone at lunch while everyone else smiles and laughs?  Why is my beautiful son buried six feet under.  The thought of that makes me crazy.  Then I feel bad for letting piddly crap from co-op upset me.  Who cares