things

so many things about Nolan.....

he loved,loved loved climbing trees...no fear.  he'd be the kid, along with Liam, up some tall tree at meadowlake park, other parents looking at, wondering who he belonged to....

once we were visiting our friends, the bensons, in Columbia, and Nolan, Liam, and JakeBenson climbed this enormous pine tree that was around one hundred feet tall.... neither Sarah nor i wanted to look.

the trees in our backyard always scared me the most because they have no branches to break a fall and they are situated right above a point y fence.

climbing trees is a great part of being a boy.... it was a huge part of Nolan's boyhood

a limerick

there once was a boy named Nolan
up the tallest trees, he would be goin'
no shoes and no shirt
no fear of getting hurt
a smile on his face he'd be showin'

the fear

my life is filled now, not only with sorrow, but also with fear....

Logan has a yucky cough....how many yucky coughs have we had?   but if it was a virus that killed Nolan, then another virus could kill another one of my children.

Ella was cranky all day.  then about five o'clock, she seemed to be feverish.... she took Tylenol, became cheerful, and is now sleeping.  Nolan had a fever a month before he died.  what if that was the virus?????    what if Ella gets that same virus?

there are moments that i think about running away from here.... i think maybe i could escape the fear if i was somewhere else.    i hate the fear.   i hate everything about this.

a happier time

http://lifeandallitsgoodstuff.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-melinda-jill-take-you-patrick-to-be.html

Ella remembering Nolan

here's one of the many things that suck about this....Ella won't remember Nolan....soon.

  she will always hear our stories, she will see photographs, she will know about her biggest brother who adored her....

she mentions him sometimes...  she remembers him now.
e other night we went for a walk in the neighborhood with Ella in stroller for the first time since Nolan died.  Ella says "Nolan took me for a walk last night"  (last night is her word for anything that happened in the past)...Nolan often took her for walks in the stroller.

today i bought each kid a mango.  she said "Nolan had a mango, he shared with me"  .... Nolan did buy himself a mango a time or two in November or December and, yes, of course he gave Ella some.

Ella doesn't remember it, but Nolan dropped her when she was about four or five months old.  he was horrified.  she had just started that thing babies do where they jerk themselves backwards...she landed on the carpet, whew.  he felt so bad.  my sweet Angel.

Remembering Nolan

I have always complained that I have a horrible memory.  I really do.  Not sure what happened to it.  I used to be super smart growing up.... Straight A's, Valedictorian, Gifted Program, etc... etc....  Mommy brain?  Too much alcohol in my wild and crazy college days?  Not sure... but my memory is just NOT what it used to be. 

So now I have lost my son, now what?  Am I going to forget all the wonderful things about Nolan?  Am I going to forget the funny stories?  The special memories?  The day to day boring stuff?  I think that is what I worry most about... just forgetting the day to day things.  I don't think I will forget the bigger stuff like the day that Nolan split his lip open on the tree in our backyard or watching him play soccer every weekend.  But what about his facial expressions when he was happy, when he was serious, when he was being silly????  What about his voice?  What about his laugh?  What about the way he walked?  What about the feel of his skin when he hugged me or kissed me goodnight? 

When Nolan was little, he would start having a tummy ache when we were having something for dinner he didnt' like.  He'd suddenly not feel well, start crying....  Meatloaf.  he always was sick when we had meatloaf.  needless to say, I rarely make meatloaf.  Maybe once a year....  It was cute.  He was little enough that it was just plain funny.

As Nolan grew older, he'd often get teary and say he didn't feel well when he was just plain ol' exhausted.   He always liked to go to bed at a decent time & get a good sleep.  he knew it was good for him.  And he knew he felt better when he did.  So on those occasions when he'd get very little sleep like a campout or a sleepover, the next day he'd often get all emotional.  It was pretty sweet because he was growing up & so mature, but occasionally, he'd still seem so little to me.  My sweet child. 

I remember watching him play with action figures... for years & years, even at 13 years old, he would still be in some imaginary world holding two figures in his hands making sound effects.  Always using his imagination.  Something that children seem to lose as they grow up.  He hadn't lost that. 

can't find it

my journal....my Nolan journal.  i Will be heartbroken, again, if it is gone....i would be losing another part of him....memories i have written, doodles of his, even a notehe wrote me in it.  please, please let me find it..... the last time i remember seeing it was at the great wolf lodge....  i really i packed it.....

sweet children

my sweet kids,they force me to live

without them,I'dcrawl in bed and never get out

instead,i get up hundreds of times for the two yearold...

.i advise the nine year old on how to be a friend as she struggles with on friends who one day love her, the next ignore her...

i hug six year old...

i converse about life with the elevenyearold....

they make me continue to be a mother even though i feel like my life is over

A friend writes about Nolan

A friend of mine wrote this shortly after the death of my son. 

http://comewhatmaychristyfam.blogspot.com/2013/01/trying-to-make-sense.html

You made me a mother

Young, wild, free, that was me
Reaching up that ladder of gold, thinking that was what mattered
Loved my cat, loved your dad, loved myself
Along came you, weighing in at less than four pounds
Arriving six weeks early, scaring us
Fearing for you, fearing for us
Hearing your first cry, you made me cry
Your daddy too, oh how we immediately loved you
I didn't get to hold you right away
But you held my heart in a way that was so new to me

how my heart swelled from day to day
year to year... my love for you only grew

as you grew into this smart, creative
boy with a heart so big, so loving
helping others, being silly, being you

you have no idea how you helped me
me to be a better me

you made me care for others more than myself
you made me realize what was important in life
you made me want to make the world a better place
you made me a mother

My Niece writing about Nolan

My niece has recently started a blog.  She has 3 entries thus far & they all made me cry because she spoke of my sweet son, Nolan. 

  http://chandraandme.blogspot.com/2013_02_01_archive.html

pictures

i spent much of today looking at pictures of you... mostly from about the age of 5 to the age of 8.  somehow these younger pics of you don't break my heart as much as the ones from recently... i think the more recent ones just emphasize more of what we have lost.  i don't know. 

i'm going to put together a special photo book for each of the siblings of pictures of them with nolan.  boy, liam's book could be 500 pages with so many pics of the two of them... heck, i'm probably underestimating... it's going to be a long project.  iw ill start & work on them... poor ella.  she only got to be with nolan for 2 years... it doesn't seem fair, but then, none of this does....

blessings

i wonder when it won't hurt so much to read about other people's blessings....

i know, i know that I'm still blessed with my four on earth children,my loving husband, my extended friends and family, love,kindness,..

but all i can think of is the blessing that was stolen from me....  my sweet Nolan is gone.  it hurts to see everyone else going on

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8AZt3LJo0ZNXjQ

an ok day

today was ok.  as ok as it could be.

 does an amputee ever really get used to their missing leg?  but they get used to it enough that they function.  and i would take losing both my legs over losing my son any day.... of course....

today i talked gardens and parenting with other moms... spent time at co-op, then soccer practice... was busy.

i smiled.  i laughed.  i cried briefly, twice.

Nolan is not here.  that is so wrong, but it is such a horrible, horrible fact.  so i have to put one foot in front of the other and just try for some happiness.  but gosh, i miss him so much.

wish i could forget

that first month is a blur... i have vague images from the wake and funeral,i know people came to my house,brought me food,called me...but it is so hazy.  yet those early moments from December 31,2012 are etched in my brain....i see them in slow motion....from Liam telling something was wrong until the police officer confirmed Nolan was gone....especially those minutes where i walked into the boys' room, saw Nolan,tried to wake him.  the following of chaos, screaming, crying, Patrick attempting cpr.  those moments, the worst of my life, i can't get out of head.  why?   don't want to remember that.  why are the images from my last night with him fading, yet the moments from hell are so vivid?

gardens, basements, wine, and doctor who

keeping busy, being distracted, escaping...... these things help.  they do.  the pain is always present.  but i can forget it briefly or numb it for a bit.  i also face the pain.  i cry and scream at God at least once a day...

gardening with the other four loves will be good for us.  fresh air, digging in the dirt, listening to the birds, feeling the sunshine on our face.  busy,busy we shall be...how often will i think of my sweet Nolan?

building a patio from bricks, a diy project for me...more fresh air, the prospect of a lovely place to sit....how often will i think of Nolan as i dig that ten by ten spot?

doctor who, a fun romp into time and space.
... yes, Nolan, I'm thinking of you.

 wine, a glass or a bottle, I'm relaxed, but yes, I'm thinking of you sweet Nolan.

a flooded basement, busy as hell trying to clean it.  pictures of you  old toys, your collections, memories of your hard work, memories of your silliness. busy as hell, time flew by, but yes, i was of you

sweet smile

someone today commented on what a sweet smile you have Nolan...you do.   it hurts like a stab to the heart when i think of the world not getting to see that smile.   it is wrong that you were taken so soon from us, from the world.  you have so much to offer.   your siblings need you.  daddy and i need you.

grandparents and grief

Grandparents are suffering in a very unique way after losing their grandchild.  I never gave it much thought before this tragedy happened to our family.  Not only did they lose their grandchild that they love probably very nearly as much as the parents do, but they have actually "lost" their own child in a way.... Their child will never be the same.    So grandparents actually are suffering from two separate losses after the loss of a grandchild.

I think about my parents.  I know how deeply they love Nolan (notice I say LOVE, not loved).  Of course, their love isn't quite the same as Patrick and I have for our son, but it is a deep love nonetheless.  And of course, they haven't lost their day to day existence like we have.  But it is a very, very deep loss.

And then, me, their baby.  They are worried about me (and Patrick) and they know down deep that I will never be the same.  I just won't.  They have lost the person that I once was.  That person is gone forever.  That doesn't mean that someday I won't be "happy" again.  However, sorrow is now a part of me. 

My mom cries a lot now.  It's understandable.  I cry a lot too.  Patrick cries a lot.  We are suffering, we all are.  But grandparents don't get quite as much understanding and sympathy.  Sure they do at first.  Everyone understands how horrible our loss is.  But, I think, people think that a grandparent can just move on more quickly.  My mom mentioned on a grief support group that she has friends who already no longer act like they want to talk to her because she is so sad.  That makes me sad.  So far I don't have any friends avoiding me (like you hear about in all these grief sites and books).  I think because our loss was so horrific and sudden and unexpected and just a blindsided mess that people are still feeling so strongly for our family.  I do expect though, in the future, there may be some friends who just don't know what to say to me anymore.  I understand.  I know people don't know what to say now.  What can you say when someone has suffered such a loss? 

I feel so much more sympathy now though for all grandparents.  I feel sympathy for my own mom for the loss of my son.  sounds weird, huh?  but i know she is suffering.  I just hope that her friends are understanding and supportive of her.  She needs them.  My dad is a little more stoic, keeps his emotions in check, he doesn't like her to cry all the time.  He has cried plenty of times over Nolan's death.  He adores him.  But he keeps it under control more because that is just the way my dad is.  Hopefully, he understands though that my mom needs to cry because that is just the way my mom is. 

So if you know any grandparents who have lost a grandchild, keep them in your prayers.  support them in a special way.  They need it. 

wallowing

today i feel like wallowing in my sadness.  i read these books about finding grace in my grief.  i read about being strong.  i TRY to be strong, most of the time.  i have these wonderful children who must, must, must continue to live life.  and therefore, i try to be strong for them.  but today, i feel like wallowing in my grief.  i feel like crawling into my bed, pulling up the covers, and sobbing.  i won't.  i can't.  i have to do school iwth the kids, deal with a 2 year old who is very demanding, take the kids to a playdate, then take two kids to soccer practices... after that, home for dinner & then i must start taxes... no, today is NOT a day that i get to wallow... but i feel like it.  i miss Nolan so much.  everything about his death is wrong, wrong, wrong.... it's not fair.  period.

Plagued by the "what ifs"

I will always, always, always feel responsible for my son's death.  I will always think "what if" about many different things...

I can't remember exactly when, but Nolan did complain of a chest pain probably a few weeks before he died.  Actually, I think on two occasions (not close together).  I asked him if it was his asthma, he said he didn't know.  i said, well try your inhaler.  He did.  And he didnt' complain again.  My kids have always been worriers.  So I always tried to make them not worry.  I tried to make any concern of theirs seem like nothing to worry about to them.  So they wouldn't worry.  (i know I wrote about this before).  And yes, when my kiddo tells me his chest hurts, I worry.  i worried when he told me.  yet, he never mentioned it again after he did his inhaler.  I'm a worrier too, a bit of a hypochondriac actually.  So my thoughts did go to a bad place when he said his chest hurt... but then, he didn't complain again.  So I thought "whew"... why did I not check it out?  what if?

Nolan almost slept with us that night, which was unusual.  He said he was going to.  I said "ok" but he knew i was never thrilled when he asked because, let's face it, he was getting big.  He took a lot of space in the bed.  but I did say "ok" thankfully... but then, he changed his mind.  And I thought "whew"... why did I think "whew"??? I shoudl have said, "oh come on Nolan!  Why don't you sleep with us?!"  because seriously, our kids grow up too fast period.  And I should have thought that, I should have thought "thank God, I have a beautiful 13 year old son who for some reason feels like sleepign with his mom and dad tonight!"... but I didn't, I thought "whew, he changed his mind, now I will have space"... What if?

What if he gasped in his sleep, clutched his chest in pain, called out?  We could have called 911.  We could have saved him.

I always slept before with my bedroom door shut at least the first part of the night.  Not sure why.  And Nolan usually slept with his door shut until everyone went to bed.  We didn't open his door that night when we went to bed.  I didn't sleep with my door open.  What if he asked for help?  What if I didn't hear him?  I now sleep with my door open & make sure the doors are all open at bedtime.  Why didn't I make sure that night?  What if?

We slept late that horrible day.  We were up late the night before & we slept in until around 9am I think.  What if this happened at 7am?  Why couldn't I be an early riser?  What if I had been awake & up and at 'em like lots of morning moms are?  If I had been awake early, I may have heard him make a noise.  I could have saved him.  I could have called 911.  What if??????????

We still dont' know if the problem with his heart is from genetics or from a virus.  We were fighting bugs from about Thanksgiving through Christmas.  Nolan had two different really bad bugs in late November/early December.  One was a fever, feel crappy bug (not the flu, he was tested at the dr) and the other was a vomit thing that we all had.  He threw up 17 times from bedtime until morning... From then on, we all just seemed to not feel great off and on all the way until after Christmas Day... If Nolan had some virus that went to his heart, all the symptoms were things that he may have felt.  But any feeling icky, we all just thought was fighting these normal bugs.  I look at some pictures from December & he looks a little pale (it's winter, we all look pale) and even thinner than usual.  He was acting normal.  Running, playing, rough housing, laughing, living life.... But it is possible that a horrible virus had went to his heart.  These things can be cured.  If he had been the only one feeling icky, I would have had him checked out maybe???? What if?  What if this hadn't hit us during the cold/flu season & I had noticed it more.  What if?

Liam, Logan, and Ciara slept in the living room on December 30th.  We stayed up late watching tv, it's the holidays after all.  Liam usually shared the room with Nolan.  Liam is a very sound sleeper.  So most likely, he would not have heard anything unusual.  but who knows, maybe he would have.  We don't know what Nolan did.  We will never know.  What if Liam had been there?  What if?

December 30th, 2012, the last day I shared with my beautiful son Nolan... I was a grouch that day.  I had started my period the night before.  I was exhausted.  I actually took a long nap with Ella that afternoon, which is very rare.  I was wiped out and cranky.  I layed in bed probably 3 hours that day with her.  Again, UNUSUAL!  What if I had spent some quality time with him that day?  What if I had paid close attention and noticed something wasn't right?  He played outdoors most of the afternoon with his air soft gun.  He obviously had the energy to do that.  And that evening at home, he ate normally, in fact ate a lot.  So there may have been nothing to notice that afternoon.  But still, I regret spending that afternoon napping with ella.  Even if it just meant that I would have spent more time with Nolan before losing him.  What if?

The evening of December 30th, Nolan was supposed to do dishes.  Occasionally, Nolan would say he didn't feel well if it was his turn to do dishes or if we were having something to eat that he didn't like (oh do i remember the meatloaf episodes when he was little!)... When I said it was time for him to do dishes, he said something hurt... I can't remember now what it was.... I'm not sure why.  But I THINK it was his tummy... I chalked it up to him not wanting to do dishes.  I said 'well, it's a good thing there aren't very many dishes then!" and made him do them.... he still spent the evening hanging with us.  and didn't complain about his tummy again.  and honestly, a tummy ache isn't something I usually run to the dr for.  But still, I can't help but think "what if?"

My life has changed forever.  The world isn't quite as beautiful as it was just a little over 3 months ago.  It just isn't.  And it never will be for me again.  That doesn't mean I don't see the beauty of my other children.  And I pray to someday see beauty in their children.  But it just isn't as beautiful.  How can it be without my beautiful son?  how?