the fear

my life is filled now, not only with sorrow, but also with fear....

Logan has a yucky cough....how many yucky coughs have we had?   but if it was a virus that killed Nolan, then another virus could kill another one of my children.

Ella was cranky all day.  then about five o'clock, she seemed to be feverish.... she took Tylenol, became cheerful, and is now sleeping.  Nolan had a fever a month before he died.  what if that was the virus?????    what if Ella gets that same virus?

there are moments that i think about running away from here.... i think maybe i could escape the fear if i was somewhere else.    i hate the fear.   i hate everything about this.