wallowing

today i feel like wallowing in my sadness.  i read these books about finding grace in my grief.  i read about being strong.  i TRY to be strong, most of the time.  i have these wonderful children who must, must, must continue to live life.  and therefore, i try to be strong for them.  but today, i feel like wallowing in my grief.  i feel like crawling into my bed, pulling up the covers, and sobbing.  i won't.  i can't.  i have to do school iwth the kids, deal with a 2 year old who is very demanding, take the kids to a playdate, then take two kids to soccer practices... after that, home for dinner & then i must start taxes... no, today is NOT a day that i get to wallow... but i feel like it.  i miss Nolan so much.  everything about his death is wrong, wrong, wrong.... it's not fair.  period.