the kids & fear & willie

the boys are extremely scared of finding willie dead.  I completely get it.  especially liam.  but no, we were all here that horrible day that we found Nolan in bed.  Yes, Liam was first, but we all were here to experience that nightmare, that nightmare that has never ended really.  So Liam really, really, really is scared of finding willie.  He has slept with Willie since Nolan's death & now, he doesn't want to.  He makes Patrick sleep with Willie in the boys' room because it's the easiest room for Willie to climb on the bed.  Poor ol' dog finds it hard to jump up anymore.  So Patrick sleeps in there, Liam sleeps in Ciara's room, and Ciara sleeps with me....

Logan is afraid too, though I think he doesn't think of it as much. But he's worried about Willie.  He talks about him dying. 

Part of me hopes it happens to Willie sooner rather than later simply because of the fear that the boys are facing every day.  Is that cruel of me?  I'm not sure.  I mean, if we knew Willie would live another year, then I wouldn't say that.  And I would convince the boys to stop worrying... but we don't.  Willie does seem to be breathing a little harder, he's thin.  There's no pain at this point.  sometimes he seems like his old self.  He ran out the door barking when Patrick came home this evening.... ran all the way to the car.  So he still has energy.  But I think he was tired out after that....

I fear everything now.  And I wonder if I will be scared my whole life now?  I was always a bit of a worrier.  My dear friend Lydia from Chicago used to compare me to the worrying walrus from a book that she used to read to her children.  I have always struggle to NOT worry... then this happened. 

I'm so tired of being afraid.... sometimes I feel like it shadows my sadness and grief over Nolan being gone... I come to bed at night and think more about my fear than about Nolan....

I miss Nolan so much.  It doesn't get better.  People who expect there to be a timeframe on this whole grief thing have never lost a child.  I can't compare it to losing anyone else because Nolan is the first person I have lost in my life that I have been close to.  So I don't know about how long grief lasts for someone who loses their spouse, their parents, a sibling, a best friend.  But I'm so sad.  I try desperately to distract myself from the sadness, but I'm just so sad.  I miss him.