my children and their mortality

my poor kids have had such a rough lesson in mortality this year....

first, and the worst, was losing Nolan a little over 8 months ago.  that was & continues to be a horrible nightmare for all of us.  he was only 13.  he went to bed healthy.  he didn't wake up.  the shock of that morning for all of us, but especially my other children, is awful.  I think about their security that they felt before that, the safety of our own home... shattered.

second, about a month ago, we lost our dog willie.  losing a pet should really be the first death a kid should have to deal with.  not losing a brother.  but we lost willie at the age of 10 to an enlarged heart.  he was deteriorating rapidly, we knew he was dying.  so there was no "shock" this time.  but it affected the kids horribly.  I think their sadness was magnified after losing Nolan.  Liam was crying so hard saying "why us?"  my sweet boys were bawling about as hard as they did when Nolan died.  I was crying too just knowing the pain they were feeling.  Ciara went to bed that night afraid to go to sleep again.

third, yesterday, we lost nana.  Nana is Kathleen Connors, Patrick's mom.  so the children just lost their grandmother that they spent a week with only 2 months ago in florida.  they didn't see her often, but they love her and she is a part of them.  again, tears from liam and logan.  Ciara doesn't really cry.  i'm not sure why.  liam asked why we had to lose all of them so soon.  why all within the last 8 months.  I tell him I do not know.  nana was one of those active adults who seemed to be in great health, great shape.  her mother lived to be 100 and we fully expected the same from nana.  so this came as a complete shock.

I feel like my children have lost so much innocence this year.  I'm so sad for them. 

i miss Nolan

It gets worse.... the missing Nolan.  Not easier.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of never talking to, hugging, kissing, watching, listening to Nolan again.  I feel sick as I get further and further from the last time we talked, touched, just were together.   It's worse.  Not better.  You can't get this, understand this, if you haven't lost a child.  It gets worse

things that just don't really matter

it's so easy to get wrapped up in everything and the way everything is supposed to be....  your house is supposed to be clean, your kids are supposed to get good grades, your family is supposed to either do certain things or not do certain things, your job is supposed to earn you a high income, etc.... etc... etc. 

let me tell you.... NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would give anything to have Nolan back. 

I'm trying to get my house clean because I hate not being able to find things, not because it is supposed to be clean.  I don't really care if it's a mess and someone stops by.  It just doesn't matter.  My sanity matters though, so I do want to keep decluttering for that reason.

I still want the kids to do well in school because I think it will help them in life.  But you know what??? if they don't, who cares?!!!!  if they are alive and well even if they are working some crappy job, they will be alive and well!  and to me that matters above all else.  I want them to be happy.  But if it turns out one of them is not college material, who cares?!  The world is full of people who are not college material.  That's fine.  I'd take Nolan living working at petsmart full time and doing art in his spare time any day.....

I just really don't care anymore what people think of me.  I know that there are people in the circles I run in who would cringe at the fact that I watch the walking dead with liam.  Or that my family LOVES harry potter.... whatever!!!!!!  Liam and I bond while watch the walking dead.  so there!  Harry Potter is not evil because it has witches & wizards in it.  It's actually about GOOD winning over evil & if you don't agree with me, who cares?!!!!! 

I'm tired of caring about things that just don't really matter.  Nolan is gone.  I think that puts everything in perspective about what matters in life....

worrying is hell

I'm not going to sleep tonight and I'm so tired.  Liam says his chest hurts, like it has in the past, like we have had him checked for, but it scares me.  Should I take him to the Dr at 1130pm when everyone it has been checked, it was fine?
And Ella has a fever... fevers, a normal part of childhood, but after Nolan s death fevers scare me.  Nolan had a fever a couple weeks before this hell started.
ciara keeps checking everyone's heart rate, hearts beating.... she worries too.
Sometimes Logan looks so pale in his sleep....I get scared.
I'm so tired and I'm so tired of this hell.

another post

i'm not usually going to post my grief stories on this other site that I write on.... but I did today....  here it is
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1078998-a-grieving-mother

how can the world be beautiful now

The world has so much beauty, yet the ugliness of Nolan 's death blatantly stares me in the face every second of every day.  I saw a lovely pink sunset this evening from my patio and my heart was breaking as I looked at it.  Nolan 's lifeless body is such a horror to me.  My sweet beautiful boy who was always quick with a smile, a joke, a laugh, a big....taken from me.  A horror.  Yet the world continues to have beauty.  I just can't quite reconcile that

nutella

For Nolan's birthday, I bought him a jar of nutella.  He loves Nutella & I often buy it for a mommy hidden treat & don't always share because, well, i'm being a good mom... ha.  anyway, I would make it for them for a special lunch sometimes... nutella sandwiches.  So for his birthday, I bought him his own jar of it.  The night before he died he opened it for the first time & ate quite a bit of it.  He LOVED it.  I was actually scared when he died that perhaps something had been wrong with the nutella and he had been poisoned by it.  I took it & put it up high in case his autopsy came back showing that he had ingested something toxic.  I wouldn't let anyone else eat it.  I seriously was afraid that I had done it by giving it to him.  But that wasn't the case... it wasn't the nutella.

Today, I was thinking (as I am eating some nutella for breakfast) that maybe Nolan went to bed thinking that he did love his mom because she bought him some nutella.  Perhaps, his last thoughts of me were extra special & good.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's because I'm a bad mom that I haven't had any sign from him.  I hear these awesome stories of signs, real vivid signs.  Visions or dreams or other things.  And I've had nothing like that.  And then I think maybe it is because sometimes I suck at being a mom. 

But today, I thought of the nutella he cheerfully ate that last night.