nutella

For Nolan's birthday, I bought him a jar of nutella.  He loves Nutella & I often buy it for a mommy hidden treat & don't always share because, well, i'm being a good mom... ha.  anyway, I would make it for them for a special lunch sometimes... nutella sandwiches.  So for his birthday, I bought him his own jar of it.  The night before he died he opened it for the first time & ate quite a bit of it.  He LOVED it.  I was actually scared when he died that perhaps something had been wrong with the nutella and he had been poisoned by it.  I took it & put it up high in case his autopsy came back showing that he had ingested something toxic.  I wouldn't let anyone else eat it.  I seriously was afraid that I had done it by giving it to him.  But that wasn't the case... it wasn't the nutella.

Today, I was thinking (as I am eating some nutella for breakfast) that maybe Nolan went to bed thinking that he did love his mom because she bought him some nutella.  Perhaps, his last thoughts of me were extra special & good.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's because I'm a bad mom that I haven't had any sign from him.  I hear these awesome stories of signs, real vivid signs.  Visions or dreams or other things.  And I've had nothing like that.  And then I think maybe it is because sometimes I suck at being a mom. 

But today, I thought of the nutella he cheerfully ate that last night.