reality

A part of me died on December 31, 2012.... there's an emptiness now that will never be filled, ever.  There's a gnawing ache that is physically painful, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.  Sometimes I just feel an overall achiness that resembles a flu bug.  My life still feels like I'm living a nightmare and that this reality can't possibly be real.  I will think of Nolan and his big smile, his boyish laughter, his rowdy antics, his wrestling matches with Liam, his graceful movement on the soccer field, his speed, his smelly farts, his theatrical voices, his general goofiness.  And then I think, I have to wake up.  Him being gone cannot be reality.  It just can't.