please let there be a Heaven

today was a hard day... I thought about Nolan so much and thought about the thought of never seeing him again on this earth.  it hurts like hell.  and then I thought of never ever seeing him again if there is no Heaven and the thought is unbearable. 

Liam and our dog willie

We found out this week that our dog Willie has an enlarged heart.  His heart is about 3 times the normal size and is pretty much taking up all the space inside his little body.  His lungs are crowded.  That's the reason for his cough, which is what prompted us to take him into the vet.  We took him to Crest Animal Hospital and I really liked the dr.  We have started him on some meds that may help, may lengthen his life, may improve his breathing.  Essentially the prognosis is not good though.  His little big heart could stop at anytime without warning.  Sounds kind of like Nolan, huh? 

When I told Liam and Logan the news, they both immediately started bawling.  I hugged both of them on the sofa and cried with them.  All I could think was why do they have to go through something like this so soon after losing Nolan? 

Liam is so scared that he is going to be the one to find Willie dead.  I kind of wish I hadn't told them, but I also felt like I had to be honest with them.  Willie could live another year, but he could die tomorrow.  We just don't know.   And besides, Ciara was with me at the Vet & so she knew what the prognosis was.  So I couldn't keep it a secret.  But now the kids live in fear of Willie dying, especially Liam.  I understand.  He found Nolan.  That was horrible.  Finding Willie won't be quite as horrible because a) we have warning and b) it's our dog, not our brother/son.  Yes, we love our pets... but I'd trade Willie for Nolan in a heartbeat, of course....  

I hope that I'm the one who finds Willie.  Or it would be ok if Patrick did.  But I just hope it is one of us, not the kids.  They have had so much trauma this year that they just deserve that one little thing, don't they?  And I hope that Willie stays with us for awhile longer... I read something online about a dog with an enlarged heart who lived another year and a half after finding out.  So it's possible he will. 

Losing a pet is supposed to be a child's first dealing with death....  I just think it will be even harder for them now.  

On the upside, we said to them just think how happy Nolan will be to see Willie in Heaven.  And how happy Willie will be to see Nolan.  And for all you freaks out there who say animals don't go to heaven, I'm sticking out my tongue at you.  Because seriously, God created these beautiful sweet creatures.  Perhaps they don't have "souls"... I don't know.  i'm not going to argue theology with you.   You won't convince me otherwise.  If there is a Heaven, then animals are a part of it. 

the fear of forgetting

will I ever forget my son Nolan?  of course not.  but I do fear forgetting... forgetting the little things.  forgetting day to day life with my 5 beautiful children.  forgetting Nolan being the biggest boy, the big helper, the eldest.... my first born son.  oh Nolan.  how I love you and miss you.  how can it be true?  how can you be gone????????  it's so freaking insane.  and yes, I wanted to type the other F word.  that's how messed up my world is that lately I find myself using the f word.  usually in my head and not aloud (thankfully, at this point).    but still, that is NOT me....  but it's so extreme just how awful it is. 

so forgetting you Nolan.  that's my fear. 

we hAVE to move on.  we have to exist without you.  therefore, even though it SUCKS big time, I have to get up and get everyone ready for the day WITHOUT YOU.  I have to teach school WITHOUT YOU.  I have to drive to co-op IWTHOUT YOU.  I have to watch soccer WITHOUT YOU. 

and so, I have to adjust.

I don't want to.

but I have to.  sometimes I am "living" life with the other kids.  and suddenly I realize I havent' thought of you for 5 minutes. 

here's the thing.  even when i'm not thinking of you, your absence has now become part of my very essense, my being.  so even when you are not at the forefront of my mind, every thing I do is affected by you. 

will I forget you? 

never.

but I have always complained about my crappy-ass memory (since becoming a mom... when I was a kid I was straight a's and "gifted")

so I forget stuff.  the only thing I want to forget is finding you dead.  I want to forget that morning.  the worst morning of my life.  however, i'm forgetting stuff. 

why can't I get a sign?  so many people get signs?  why can't I?  why?

more on everyone being scared

I was just thinking about my children.... I pray, pray, pray that they are strong as they grow up and that this doesn't screw them up.  I was thinking how much I feel like escaping now.  I wonder about how hard it is for them to sleep at night.  I wonder if one of them or all of them will turn to drugs or alcohol to make it "easier" when they are alone at night and can't sleep... that scares me too.  I don't understand why God had to let this happen.  I just don't see how any good can come from such a tragedy.  We've all lost so much and I just look at all that can go wrong from here.... How can that be part of a plan? 

we are all scared.

tonight, just a few minutes ago actually, instead of saying "goodnight, I love you mom" ((like he usually does and he did earlier)) Liam said "i'll see you tomorrow mom"....  it's like we are all trying to convince ourselves.  Ciara says that too a lot at bedtime.  It's scary as heck as for me.  So I think of what must be going through the minds of the kids.  They don't talk about being scared.  But I know they must be.   Just realized on vacation that Logan is checking everyone to make sure they are breathing.

Our dog is sick.  We aren't sure what's wrong.  Going to the vet tomorrow.  Liam and Logan both started to cry tonight when I talked to them about the possibility of having to put willie to sleep.  I just wanted them to be warned. 

A pet's death is the first death a child should have to handle... not a sibling.  But now, I don't want them to have to deal with a pet dying either. 

7 months

7 months ago.... my family was complete.  Nolan was alive. 
He had just celebrated his 13th birthday.  We had just celebrated our birthdays together for the last time.  (he was born on my birthday)  We were passing around a bug and hoping we'd all feel ok on Christmas because we were hosting for the first time. 
7 months ago, Nolan bought me a starbucks for my birthday for the last time.... I wasn't feeling too great, but I drank most of it.   He also gave me a book of coupons such as "will wash dishes"  "will watch ella" and my favorite "hugs and kisses every second".....
7 months ago, I had no idea my life would be turned inside out in just a few days....  I was the happiest I would ever be and I had no idea.
Appreciate what you have people because you just do not know how long you will have it. 

sometimes....

i just think to myself, if God really cares or listens, then why is HE letting the devil win right now?  I mean, I do NOT feel like praying.  i'm so angry.  I have thoughts that I shouldn't, irresponsible, run away from responsibility, not holy thoughts.  why?  I WANT to do what is right?  I want to be close to God!  Then why, why, why if God listens or cares, does he just let me fall farther away from HIM?????