sometimes

you just want to scream out loud....  and it's not just about grief.  it's about life.  it's challenging and unfair and so much of it really sucks.  just sucks.  and you hold it in because you know some think you lack class if you share too much out loud.  and you begin to feel sick inside.  and you wonder if you will always feel sick inside.  and you wonder how you can feel healthy inside.  will you ever feel good again?  

Blogging when it is Important

When my son died five years ago, I started blogging like crazy.  Writing out my feelings was therapeutic (it still is.)  I wrote on a few different sites.  I happened upon one that was a paid social networking blogging site called Bubblews.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  I connected with many people.  And we earned money while doing it, quite a bit actually for simply writing and connecting.  I made a mistake though.  I didn't save all of my writing elsewhere.  The site went under with zero warning.... That's what sucked the most.  They didn't think about the fact that maybe some of us wrote meaningful stuff there.  Bam, the site was gone.

I had written poetry, lots of it, about my son, about life.  In the dark hours during those dark days, I wrote.  I saved some of it, but not all.  Today, a memory came up on Facebook with a link to a poem I wrote there about "What's it like in heaven" that i was writing to my son.   I have looked on all of the places where I saved stuff & it's not there.  I did save some stuff on my laptop which went kerplunk at some point....  That may be the one that I pulled some stuff onto another hard drive.  I'll have to look.

But wow, it made me think about how when it is important, you need to keep multiple copies of it.  Thankfully, I did for a lot of stuff, but not everything.

I was thinking today, once again, about the weight of grief.  It's exhausting with its heaviness.  You don't always realize it is there.  Sometimes you actually feel joyful about something, but maybe it's that guilt then that weighs on you.  How can you feel joy when your son died?

I'm often so tired.  And I'm wondering if this is why.

The Grief Chronicles: 1123

I just wrote this on my other blog
https://thegriefchronicles.wordpress.com/2016/01/29/1123-days/

Food

I wrote this in a grief group on Facebook today.

Somehow, unfortunately, I guess I've become more accustomed to this horrible loss. It's been 3 years.... 3 years since I lost my precious 13 year old son... I remember those first several months... I remember seeing foods he loved. I remember cooking pasta & realizing that my piggy boy wasn't eating anymore & therefore, I didn't need to cook as much. (I still cook as much... I can't seem to stop).... Or pancakes. he loved pancakes. I hate to cook potatoes because he would always peel them for me. It still occasionally hits me at unexpected moments. I'll suddenly see reese's peanut butter cups and remember when that was about the only candy he would eat. Or I'll see Nutella and remember he was eating that the night before he died. I still look around our table and hate that there are only 6 of us there now, instead of 7. For the longest time we kept the leaf int eh table that we needed because it was too crowded for 7.... I hated to remove it. But we have a small house. So I finally had to take it out. All these stupid, stupid unfair things that just suck.

I wish I had Faith

Faith would help.

Not only is my faith in shambles, I am cynical.

I want to believe.  I need to believe.  But I don't think I believe in anything anymore.

A New Post...

i guess due to google/blogger's annoying issues with adsense, i haven't written here in awhile.  i'll share a post i wrote ELSEWHERE.....

https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/36926556/893795453