jealousy

it's irrational, it's selfish, it's not right.... but I am so jealous of everyone now.  everyone that is happy.  everyone that seems to have everything go right for them.  when I "hear" them on facebook saying the most minor thing, I hear it in a disturbing braggy voice.  even though these aren't people who brag.  these are kind, loving people who are just sharing their life like so many of us do on facebook, including myself....  but right now, all of it hurts when I see it.  facebook always has kind of lent itself to that, to envy...  you know, one week I am struggling to pay the bills while I see joe schmoe posting pics from a fabulous vacation... or one week I am irritated with dear hubby about something because that is marriage, there are irritations sometimes, but that week I am irritated, everyone is posting about a handy dh who builds a deck or a dh who surprises them with something fantastic...  so that's facebook in general.... but now, oh yeah, now with my loss being what it is I am jealous about the stuff like "today is jimmy's birthday, happy birthday to my firstborn son"... yeah, that makes me jealous.  or just the normal mundane stuff that makes me feel like why can't I have normal and mundane and normal and NOLAN right here with me.... why?????  i'm so sick of this pain.  I ignore it as much as I can.  I distract myself, mostly with tv or dumb games on the computer.  but it's there.  and I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have this pain.  i'm jealous.  it's irrational, it's selfish, and it's not right... but it's just the way I am right now. 

broken record

I know I sound like a broken record but I am so freaking scared.  here's the thing.  I really thought finding out that it was NOT genetic something or other that killed Nolan would ease my mind.  it didn't.  it's worse.  if we had found out that Nolan had died from an arrhythmia that was some type of genetic issue, then we'd be prepared & the kids could be fitted with heart monitors & all the other stuff.  I have a friend who nearly lost her son to something genetic.  found out her other two sons had it as well.  all 3 boys now have something in their chest that will automatically start the heart if it stops.  scary, yes.  but manageable.  this whole myocarditis that is NOT as rare as the dr would have you think can strike anyone without warning.  any symptoms are the same symptoms that are like any other symptoms.  or there can be no symptoms.  any number of things can cause it.  anytime my kids get a tummy bug or anything viral I am going to be scared.  how can I live like that?  seriously?  I am freaked out.  the fear is not getting any better. 

today liam was acting all tired and just said his tummy hurt after eating.  I worry.  I worry so much.  I hate it.  I think "well surely God wouldn't let that happen again?"  but I keep hearing these awful stories of suffering & yes, God does let things like that happen again....  One mom today on one of my grief groups lost 2 sons on the same day to an overdose because they got into her husband's prescription meds.  how the hell do you cope?  a woman in a book I read lost 3 children over a period of 18 years.... sometimes it almost seems some people are just chosen for all this extra suffering.  they are just hit hard with it over and over and over. 

i'm just so scared and I don't know what to do about it. 

things we meant to do

life gets away from us all... summer is a good example.  you wait & wait for summer & you can't wait to relax, but you gotta do this & this & this too, but most importantly relax... then the next thing you know, you are school shopping & dreading getting back into that schedule and routine.  summer has gotten away, again.  and you probably didn't do everything you meant to do that summer.  this summer we missed our annual blueberry picking... it just didn't happen.

there were things I meant to do with Nolan or I meant for Nolan to do or Nolan wanted to do or Patrick wanted to do with Nolan... things.  lots of things. 

a big thing that Nolan and I had talked about for probably 2 years or so was that he was going to illustrate my book.  yes, I have ideas of writing a couple books, one of which is a children's story in the style of judy blume (more tales of a fourth grade nothing than deenie) and Nolan was going to illustrate it.  he'd occasionally bring it up "when are you going to write that book mom?"  and i'd say, oh someday Nolan.  and you are going to illustrate it!  don't forget!  I think I wrote 2 pages of it.  never got around to having him even sketch any of the characters.  I wish I had.

a newer idea of mine that started brewing about a year ago was to take the 5 kids on a long "we are cool and flexible because we homeschool" road trip.  we'd camp out.  we'd stay with friends.  we'd be gone about a month or maybe two.  who knows?  it would be hard to be away from Patrick that long.  but it was something fun I thought we could enjoy.  I still want to do that.  but now, Nolan will not be with us.  it won't be the same. 

so many things.... just little things.  some dumb.  some inconsequential.  but things. things we meant to do.  none seem dumb now because we should have done them... aw Nolan.  i'm sorry.  i'm sorry we didn't get to do everything we should have. 

Nolan's Prayers

When we would say nighttime prayers as a family, Nolan would say much of his prayers exactly the same every single night.  I have been trying to picture his voice saying prayers when we say prayers.  I can't remember the first thing he'd say, but he'd say "please bless my friends, my family, the world.  Please let willie not poop or throw up. Please let us not get rid of him ever"  that was part of it.  and he'd always say them fairly fast...  he'd pray that no one in our family get any bad disease.  that we'd all live a long time.  I can't remember his exact words for those parts.  sometimes he'd be saying them and he'd stop and ask if he had already said a part that he would say every night....

Patrick and Nolan had such a good relationship.  Part of that was their faith.  They would walk together and say the rosary some evenings.  Some evenings they'd just say it in either the boys' bedroom or ours.   

Our last night on earth with Nolan, Patrick was blessed to have spent some time in prayer with him before going to bed.  They had a little theological discussion after prayers.  If I remember correctly, Nolan asked Patrick if Mary could have said "no" when the Angel came & said she was going to have baby Jesus.  What a deep thinking kid.    He truly did have a strong faith.  He always wanted to do what was right. 

I was thinking the other day about when we only had 3 kids & Nolan would pray every night for God to bring Ciara a baby sister.  When I eventually became pregnant with Logan, he continued to pray for a sister.  We had to find out the sex of Logan because I knew there'd be some disappointed kids if it was a boy and we hadn't been forewarned since the prayers every night from Nolan were for a sister for Ciara.  I think about how good it is now that Logan is a boy for Liam's sake.  I know how much Liam misses Nolan and the fun times they had together.  I see Liam play rough games now with Logan.  Sometimes they are laughing and playing and it reminds me so much of Nolan and Liam playing like that.  So I am thankful that Liam has Logan.  It's not the same, of course. 

I wish I could pray right now.  I still can't really.  Oh I do sometimes because it is just in me to pray... but my faith is just so devastated....  I do not know how to make it strong.  I just don't. 

the kids & fear & willie

the boys are extremely scared of finding willie dead.  I completely get it.  especially liam.  but no, we were all here that horrible day that we found Nolan in bed.  Yes, Liam was first, but we all were here to experience that nightmare, that nightmare that has never ended really.  So Liam really, really, really is scared of finding willie.  He has slept with Willie since Nolan's death & now, he doesn't want to.  He makes Patrick sleep with Willie in the boys' room because it's the easiest room for Willie to climb on the bed.  Poor ol' dog finds it hard to jump up anymore.  So Patrick sleeps in there, Liam sleeps in Ciara's room, and Ciara sleeps with me....

Logan is afraid too, though I think he doesn't think of it as much. But he's worried about Willie.  He talks about him dying. 

Part of me hopes it happens to Willie sooner rather than later simply because of the fear that the boys are facing every day.  Is that cruel of me?  I'm not sure.  I mean, if we knew Willie would live another year, then I wouldn't say that.  And I would convince the boys to stop worrying... but we don't.  Willie does seem to be breathing a little harder, he's thin.  There's no pain at this point.  sometimes he seems like his old self.  He ran out the door barking when Patrick came home this evening.... ran all the way to the car.  So he still has energy.  But I think he was tired out after that....

I fear everything now.  And I wonder if I will be scared my whole life now?  I was always a bit of a worrier.  My dear friend Lydia from Chicago used to compare me to the worrying walrus from a book that she used to read to her children.  I have always struggle to NOT worry... then this happened. 

I'm so tired of being afraid.... sometimes I feel like it shadows my sadness and grief over Nolan being gone... I come to bed at night and think more about my fear than about Nolan....

I miss Nolan so much.  It doesn't get better.  People who expect there to be a timeframe on this whole grief thing have never lost a child.  I can't compare it to losing anyone else because Nolan is the first person I have lost in my life that I have been close to.  So I don't know about how long grief lasts for someone who loses their spouse, their parents, a sibling, a best friend.  But I'm so sad.  I try desperately to distract myself from the sadness, but I'm just so sad.  I miss him. 

why?

it hits me in so many different ways... the truth of this nightmare. 

the truth of it seeps into everything I do.

I sit here, trying to unwind before I can attempt sleep and that horrible morning pops into my head.  I can't stop it.  It hits me like a freight train over and over and over.  I have to live that moment over again so many times and I feel sickened every single time.  Sometimes it is from the moment of Liam yelling at me.  Sometimes it is from the moment I walked into the bedroom.  Sometimes it is from the moment Patrick came running.  But that "moment" which really lasted more than a moment... it felt like a lifetime.  It was what living through some war zone must be like.  The screams.  The cries.  The agony. 

Why?  Why did it have to happen?

 I feel so sick.  I feel so sad.  I feel so empty.  I feel agony.  I feel helpless.  I feel angry.  I feel lonely.  I feel miserable.  I feel despair.  I feel pain.  I feel numb. 

I miss Nolan so much.  Why did this have to happen?

myocarditis

what happened to Nolan is not as rare as it sounds and not as rare as it should be.  I recently joined a facebook group devoted to myocarditis.  it is so scary how often this happens.  sometimes people survive.  somehow they figure out something is wrong before it is too late.  but most of the stories I have read have been almost identical to Nolan's.  so many parents had no warning, just like me. 

I go to bed scared every night.  scared of my children, my spouse, myself dying... and now I see it's not so farfetched.  I met a woman on this group who had two children get myocarditis and one died and the other had a heart transplant....  TWO CHILDREN IN THE SAME FAMILY HAD IT!!!!    yes, i'm scared.  it makes me want to become like Monk from that tv show and make the kids crazy about washing their hands and germs....  I've always been so laid back about illness because I've always been told that it helps to develop immunity if they catch what is going around.... the ones who are sanitizing everything aren't building that immunity.  geesh.  I just dont' know if I can change to that person.  but I need to. 

Nolan's wasn't for sure viral.  but it was myocarditis.  and it can be various things.  but my dr did seem to think since we had been sick that it was probably viral.  it just hit him differently.  everyone I know was hit hard by bugs this year.... It was one of those years.... yet no one else had a child die because of it....

i'm scared.  and I don't know how I will ever rest easy again.