I'm sick from the fear

Every single night I go to bed terrified that another one of my children is going to die in the night.  And every morning I wake up scared to check on them.  Every day.  This is my life.

feeling sorry for myself

Sometimes I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Today is one of those times where I'm feeling the extreme why me feelings... I read a post on one of the grief groups of mothers who were on disability after the death of their child.  I totally get that.  I have a hard time functioning in my world and I do not have to check in art a job every day.  I just don't know how I could do that.

crawling into a hole

Sometimes that's all I want to do.  I don't have it in me to play the social games anymore.  People talk about people, especially women.  They gossip.  Life goes on.  Other people just existing the way they always have.  Me, not having the energy to play nice anymore.  Kids being mean to my kids... I can't even fake a smile anymore when I walk past them.   Petty grievances that shouldn't even matter.  Nolan is gone.  He is buried just a few miles from where I sleep.  There is now a headstone in big letters telling the world that he died.  Does it show the world what we lost?  Can a stranger know what a wonderful boy he was?  None of it is fair.  Why do I have to go on?  Why do I have to try anymore?  Sometimes it's unbearable just trying...

keeping traditions alive

I have four children still to take care of on this earth... they keep me going.  They make me feel moments of happiness.  I must, must, must keep trying for their sake.  I've always been one for traditions.   And now I have to keep on with the traditions even though a part of me feels like throwing in the towel.  Fall pictures in loose park... oh dear Lord, how can I do that this year?   Yet I must.  Birthdays, holidays, and all that goes with that... I must.  My heart is broken.  It will not ever heal, it won't.  But my heart is still full of love for my family and a family needs a mom to keep it going.  I need to be better about spending quality time with my kids, using a gentle tone, showing them love and affection.  They deserve my all even though I feel like my all is shattered.

Nolan, an artist

Today I saw a quote about how artists are like wizards, only they perform magic with pencils instead of wands.   Nolan, I miss your creative self.... so much.  You did perform so much magic in your short life.

sometimes I just feel so alone

Ask anyone who knows me, really knows me, send they will tell you I'm a social butterfly.  Or I was a social butterfly.  Nolan s death has changed everything.  I feel so alone s op .  often. Sitting at co-op, alone at lunch, lonely.  Listening to other moms make plans.  Lonely.  I am alone.

i just get angrier and angrier with God

I wonder if I will ever find faith again.  I'm so angry with God.  Then I find myself doubting the existence of God.  Or believing there is a creator, but not a being who actually listens to or cares about prayers.  What happened to Nolan is so freaking unfair.  I will feel that way until the day I die.  Then I pray for a sign.  A real sign to give me strength to face the rest of my life without Nolan.  And I get nothing.  People say they see signs in birds, butterflies, clouds.... My problem with that is that because of my kids, I have always seen the birds, the butterflies, the clouds.  There is no sign there.  Then our smelly, but sweet dog dies.    Then Patrick's mom dies.  How fair is that?  Then his brother treats us like dirt.  How is all of this part of a plan?  How can my husband be made to suffer over and over.  How can my kids deserve so much pain?  Why can't I have a sign?  Why do I have to feel like an outcast at co-op, sitting alone at lunch while everyone else smiles and laughs?  Why is my beautiful son buried six feet under.  The thought of that makes me crazy.  Then I feel bad for letting piddly crap from co-op upset me.  Who cares

reality

A part of me died on December 31, 2012.... there's an emptiness now that will never be filled, ever.  There's a gnawing ache that is physically painful, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.  Sometimes I just feel an overall achiness that resembles a flu bug.  My life still feels like I'm living a nightmare and that this reality can't possibly be real.  I will think of Nolan and his big smile, his boyish laughter, his rowdy antics, his wrestling matches with Liam, his graceful movement on the soccer field, his speed, his smelly farts, his theatrical voices, his general goofiness.  And then I think, I have to wake up.  Him being gone cannot be reality.  It just can't.

if you have never lost a child

Please do not judge us too harshly...

We are in pain constantly.

We are angry often.

We are confused.

We are emotional.

We need your comfort though sometimes we may push you away.

We wear a mask constantly in order to function in life's day to day routines

We aren't trying to make excuses for ourselves, this is just our life now.

We feel guilty when we laugh, but we try to laugh nonetheless.

We want to turn back time.

We would give anything to have our child back.

sucks being scared

All the time..... I'm overwhelmed with fear.  

sad

Sad for so many reasons today

sad

Sad for so many reasons today

using your words

I can't understand adults who don't care about the implications of hurtful words.  I spend so much time trying to teach this very thing to my kids.  I remember learning my lesson when I was twelve years old because my friends were mad at me due to me not using my words kindly.  And from that point on, I told myself I would never fall to that level again.  I'm not perfect.  I've accidentally found myself speaking before thinking.  But I never ever try to use words to hurt others.  There's no taking back the hurt.  I strive to teach this every day in my children.  I may not be as neat a housekeeper, I may screw up and make mistakes... but I'm never going to hurt anyone on purpose.  And if I make a mistake, I'm going to try to fix it.  When I have lost my temper with my kids, I apologize.

very sad

I'm just so sad tonight.  I never understand people who show no compassion and who judge others.  Especially family.  We are all different and should embrace each other's differences instead of being a judgemental meanies.

my children and their mortality

my poor kids have had such a rough lesson in mortality this year....

first, and the worst, was losing Nolan a little over 8 months ago.  that was & continues to be a horrible nightmare for all of us.  he was only 13.  he went to bed healthy.  he didn't wake up.  the shock of that morning for all of us, but especially my other children, is awful.  I think about their security that they felt before that, the safety of our own home... shattered.

second, about a month ago, we lost our dog willie.  losing a pet should really be the first death a kid should have to deal with.  not losing a brother.  but we lost willie at the age of 10 to an enlarged heart.  he was deteriorating rapidly, we knew he was dying.  so there was no "shock" this time.  but it affected the kids horribly.  I think their sadness was magnified after losing Nolan.  Liam was crying so hard saying "why us?"  my sweet boys were bawling about as hard as they did when Nolan died.  I was crying too just knowing the pain they were feeling.  Ciara went to bed that night afraid to go to sleep again.

third, yesterday, we lost nana.  Nana is Kathleen Connors, Patrick's mom.  so the children just lost their grandmother that they spent a week with only 2 months ago in florida.  they didn't see her often, but they love her and she is a part of them.  again, tears from liam and logan.  Ciara doesn't really cry.  i'm not sure why.  liam asked why we had to lose all of them so soon.  why all within the last 8 months.  I tell him I do not know.  nana was one of those active adults who seemed to be in great health, great shape.  her mother lived to be 100 and we fully expected the same from nana.  so this came as a complete shock.

I feel like my children have lost so much innocence this year.  I'm so sad for them. 

i miss Nolan

It gets worse.... the missing Nolan.  Not easier.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of never talking to, hugging, kissing, watching, listening to Nolan again.  I feel sick as I get further and further from the last time we talked, touched, just were together.   It's worse.  Not better.  You can't get this, understand this, if you haven't lost a child.  It gets worse

things that just don't really matter

it's so easy to get wrapped up in everything and the way everything is supposed to be....  your house is supposed to be clean, your kids are supposed to get good grades, your family is supposed to either do certain things or not do certain things, your job is supposed to earn you a high income, etc.... etc... etc. 

let me tell you.... NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would give anything to have Nolan back. 

I'm trying to get my house clean because I hate not being able to find things, not because it is supposed to be clean.  I don't really care if it's a mess and someone stops by.  It just doesn't matter.  My sanity matters though, so I do want to keep decluttering for that reason.

I still want the kids to do well in school because I think it will help them in life.  But you know what??? if they don't, who cares?!!!!  if they are alive and well even if they are working some crappy job, they will be alive and well!  and to me that matters above all else.  I want them to be happy.  But if it turns out one of them is not college material, who cares?!  The world is full of people who are not college material.  That's fine.  I'd take Nolan living working at petsmart full time and doing art in his spare time any day.....

I just really don't care anymore what people think of me.  I know that there are people in the circles I run in who would cringe at the fact that I watch the walking dead with liam.  Or that my family LOVES harry potter.... whatever!!!!!!  Liam and I bond while watch the walking dead.  so there!  Harry Potter is not evil because it has witches & wizards in it.  It's actually about GOOD winning over evil & if you don't agree with me, who cares?!!!!! 

I'm tired of caring about things that just don't really matter.  Nolan is gone.  I think that puts everything in perspective about what matters in life....

worrying is hell

I'm not going to sleep tonight and I'm so tired.  Liam says his chest hurts, like it has in the past, like we have had him checked for, but it scares me.  Should I take him to the Dr at 1130pm when everyone it has been checked, it was fine?
And Ella has a fever... fevers, a normal part of childhood, but after Nolan s death fevers scare me.  Nolan had a fever a couple weeks before this hell started.
ciara keeps checking everyone's heart rate, hearts beating.... she worries too.
Sometimes Logan looks so pale in his sleep....I get scared.
I'm so tired and I'm so tired of this hell.

another post

i'm not usually going to post my grief stories on this other site that I write on.... but I did today....  here it is
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1078998-a-grieving-mother

how can the world be beautiful now

The world has so much beauty, yet the ugliness of Nolan 's death blatantly stares me in the face every second of every day.  I saw a lovely pink sunset this evening from my patio and my heart was breaking as I looked at it.  Nolan 's lifeless body is such a horror to me.  My sweet beautiful boy who was always quick with a smile, a joke, a laugh, a big....taken from me.  A horror.  Yet the world continues to have beauty.  I just can't quite reconcile that

nutella

For Nolan's birthday, I bought him a jar of nutella.  He loves Nutella & I often buy it for a mommy hidden treat & don't always share because, well, i'm being a good mom... ha.  anyway, I would make it for them for a special lunch sometimes... nutella sandwiches.  So for his birthday, I bought him his own jar of it.  The night before he died he opened it for the first time & ate quite a bit of it.  He LOVED it.  I was actually scared when he died that perhaps something had been wrong with the nutella and he had been poisoned by it.  I took it & put it up high in case his autopsy came back showing that he had ingested something toxic.  I wouldn't let anyone else eat it.  I seriously was afraid that I had done it by giving it to him.  But that wasn't the case... it wasn't the nutella.

Today, I was thinking (as I am eating some nutella for breakfast) that maybe Nolan went to bed thinking that he did love his mom because she bought him some nutella.  Perhaps, his last thoughts of me were extra special & good.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's because I'm a bad mom that I haven't had any sign from him.  I hear these awesome stories of signs, real vivid signs.  Visions or dreams or other things.  And I've had nothing like that.  And then I think maybe it is because sometimes I suck at being a mom. 

But today, I thought of the nutella he cheerfully ate that last night.