lollipop the puppy dog

Nolan has had lollipop the puppy dog since about two months before he turned three...so this sweet animal made it ten years...many other toys came and went, but lollipop was special to Nolan.

i miss the days when a tummy ache or a headache didn't make me fear the worst

tonight, Liam acting all tired and said he had a headache and tummy ache....my thoughts immediately go to the evening of Dec 30th.... i have this vague memory of Nolan having some vague complaint, either a headache or tummy ache....he once, then acted fine the rest of the night....but now,any complaint by my kids and i feel an immense fear.

i also fear for my health mostly because i think the trauma it would cause kids if they lost their mama....   i have weird flutter feelings in my heart.. i need to call our crummy insurance company and make sure i follow the right process to see a specialist...grown-up shit sucks...excuse my language....i rarely cuss.  but seriously, this all sucks. i would have been to a cardiologist a month ago if not for the insurance stuff....i can't seem to get anything done.

i fear for my daughter's mental health because of her worries....her constant worries about everything since Nolan died.

so much fear....i know worrying does no good, but i worry i may miss something important if i don't worry...

escapism

is it wrong for me to try to escape the pain?  lots of tv, too much wine, mindless hours on pinterest, distractions, if I'm watching the shenanigans of gus and Shawn who make me laugh,then the thoughts of how much i miss my son are temporarily pushed aside...if I'm on m my second glass of wine,the happy buzzy warm feelings place a shade over my sharp pain...  browsing beautiful works of art on pinterest keeps my mind on the beauty in the world... playing a game of words with friends is a challenging way to virtually play with my friends....looking up funny pins about doctor who, distracting... reading a good novel takes me to a fictional world where my sadness doesn't exist...

i feel the sadness, the pain,many times per day...the escapism isn't constant...even if I escape all the time, i wouldn't. i need to spend time with Nolan each day.  i need to think about what i miss.  i need to remember him....and right now, that is so painful....

pray for us because she needs it and she is making me crazy

Ciara is getting worse....the worrying it's constant....it is waking her up at two a.m.then five a.m.after being awake until after midnight.  she is obsessing all the time...and I'm not being patient anymore... Patrick is being great with her,thankfully.....  but I'm the one with her 24 hours...... pray for us.

two separate people

I'm two people..the one who wants to cry all day and never talk a soul...the other who tries to for my kids and to forget my pain

sometimes it is hard to get out of bed

I'm lying here,awake,but in bed...getting out of bed takes so much energy these days.  i could lie here in bed, awake,all day.  everything takes so much more energy.  cooking, cleaning,breathing.  i have a sink that desperately needs me to have some energy as it sits full of dishes... meals are still coming, thankfully...not every day, but frequently.  that helps.  i haven't even written thank you cards....though part of that is i lost the book that listed who gave what... maybe i will find it when my emotional state can handle writing all those notes.  it's time to do taxes and i don't have the energy for that....plus who knows what i have done with our documents...

that is one thing i don't know if friends and family really get about bereaved parents, just the mental dysfunction that is happening.  not only do i have zero energy, but i can't focus,i can't remember important things,my grief clouds every single thing that goes on in my brain... i don't feel like i can be counted on for much of anything right now... sometimes i will be walking along in a somewhat "normal" state and then i will just be suddenly overwhelmed with such sorrow that i can't take another step.  whatever i was about to do forgotten....

negative ninny hammer

that's what i am on this blog...i wallow in my sorrow.  i have read a couple other blogs by bereaved parents who sound so much better than i do.actually saying something to inspire on their page.

today, I'm thinking how i haven't been allowed an entire day in bed...boy that would be nice... that isn't very inspirational.  no,i don't think i have it in me to inspire anyone.

last night,the kids and i watched a couple episodes of doctor who until about 11:30pm.  we have been watching too much tv.  pre-traumatic life changing event, i would have had them in bed and watched something by myself afterward.... Nolan might have come out and said"you know, I'm the oldest,can't i stay up too?"  i usually said no.  why?  sometimes I would let him,but mostly i just didn't want to hear the  others complain.   i know none of us are sleeping well and now, well,it's better being snuggled up with them on the couch watching tv than watching alone.  i know we should be reading or playing a game. i know our sleep habits need to get better.  i miss the good quality times...the days when the tv was only on in our house for Friday night movie night.

we have our co-op today...I'm going be so tired.  so will the kids... next year co-op is going to be twice a week, longer days...I'm not looking forward to that