the basement

Nolan, I wish you were here to see what I have been doing in the basement.  I have been working so hard to make it a space we can actually use.  I have cleaned, decluttered, painted, bought too much stuff, hired someone to build a wall and do some electrical work. 

Today, I sat down there for a few minutes and all I could think of was  you.  I was thinking how you need to be here to enjoy it.  I was thinking how you would be begging for it to be your bedroom.  When you were here, we were falling all over each other in our small house.  We needed more space.  Then you were gone and our house felt empty. 

It still feels empty.... you aren't here.  there's an emptiness that is unbearable. 

Checking out and keeping things straight

at times, I feel like I have checked out.  I don't really feel like participating in life at times.  other times, I feel like I am overcompensating by filling myself with all kinds of projects and stuff.  distractions. 

i'm looking forward to grief therapy next week.  she wants me to bring Nolan's poetry and pictures. 

He would be 14 now....

instead he is forever 13.  I don't know how to think of him.  is he 14 or is he 13.  I just don't know.

falling apart

sometimes I feel like we are falling apart. 

i'm tired and have no energy anymore.  I never read to the kids.  we watch tv too much.

Patrick is tired and grouchy all the time.  part of it is his job.  he works really long hours for not enough pay.  there's no appreciation for him there.  butg I know it boils down to losing Nolan.

there's just such discord in our home.  it never feels "happy" anymore

I Don't Want This to Be Real

383 days since Nolan died.  I still feel like it should not be real.  I still feel like he's going to come home, that I will be able to see him and hug him and talk to him.  I still feel like this must be a nightmare.  How can I walk through the rest of my life feeling like it is a nightmare?  My family is suffering.  Oh on the surface, we are all so strong.  I get that comment often.  "oh jill, you have handled everything with such strength, such grace."  (with slight variations on the wording).  Mentally I am truly checked out.  I do not want to face anything anymore.  I don't know how to handle it.  I really don't.  This going through the motions thing for the last 383 days just doesn't feel right.  I don't want this to be real.  I don't want this to be my life.

Why Don't I Watch Video More Often

I think that I worry that if I start to watch videos of Nolan, I will not stop.  I will want to lose myself in seeing him again.  I could just sit and watch him over and over and over.  It's all I have of him.  Oh what I would give to reach out and touch his beautiful face. 

missing you

you loved to build a fire

snuggling with the kids

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1452517-not-much-sweeter-than-snuggling-with-your-children

more grief

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1078998-a-grieving-mother

regrets

http://www.bubblews.com/news/863701-regrets

Grief

http://www.bubblews.com/news/814483-grandparents-and-grief

I miss your face.....

I miss you son. 

I miss your silliness.

I miss your beautiful face. 

his face

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2026229-looking-at-his-face

One Reason I Detest Grocery Shopping

My love for grocery shopping has slowly waned through the years.  I used to enjoy it.  I suppose it became more work to buy for a bigger family and then put it away.  However, I have hated it the last year.  Why??????  Because Nolan always put the cold stuff away.  That was just his thing.  He always did it.  I didn't even have to ask. 

I miss him so much.

it just hit me

one year ago today was the funeral.  i wouldn't have even thought of it except that my niece's birthday is this weekend & i remember that hers was the day after.  i also forgot that it was my brother-in-law's birthday. 

so one year ago today was the last time i touch my son's body.  even though it was lifeless, it was his body.  the one that i carried in my womb; the one that kicked me; the one that lay next to my heartbeat.   One year ago, his body was lowered into the earth.   I hate this day for that. 

exhaustion and not feeling well

i'm blaming the grief.  I have been utterly exhausted since Christmas.  moreso than usual.  i'm always tired.  that's nothing new.  but the complete exhausted is worse than ever.

to top it off, my not-breathe feeling is back.... i'm congested and hope to clear it up soon.  but in the meanwhile, it makes me feel uncomfortable and then I get stressed. 

grief is hard on your physical body as well as your mental state. 

a story about nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1953741-a-story-about-a-boy

Nolan inspires me

this link has nothing to do with Nolan other than the fact that he inspires me.  I think of how much I always sloved to write poetry when I was younger.  then I just stopped.  I see the depth with which he wrote and i'm proud.  and i'm inspired.  so anything.  this link is just a poem that I jotted off as I lay in bed waiting for the kids to all fall asleep. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1947972-late-night-poetic-thoughts

Survival

We made it one year.  We survived.  We survived the worst possible hell imaginable.  We are still managing to function a year later.  The worst day of my life, of my husband's life, Losing Nolan is the most painful thing.  I do not know how I even manage to breathe each day.  But I do. Breathe I must.  I have 4 other children who need me.  I have four other children who bring me joy. I have four other children who are also survivors.  We have suffered so much this year.  We will continue to suffer.  I will suffer until the day I die.  I miss my son.  I'm angry with God.  I don't know if I believe in God anymore.  There is no sense to Nolan's death.  None.