Halloween

Our first without you my sweet boy..... last Halloween, we did a Lord of the rings theme, you were Gollum.  The weather was beautiful and you ran barefoot through the neighborhood in true Gollum fashion.there was such joy and freedom in you and your siblings that night.  I remember feeling so truly happy and blessed.
Tonight was difficult mentally, but I was so busy chasing after Ella and watching the others run with that same joyful spirit that I couldn't help but find moments of happiness.
I read a post from a woman who lost her child twenty years ago, she sometimes feels like "was he ever really here?"   I'm scared of those days when it has been so long since I've seen you that I can feel like that.....
I miss you like hell Nolan.  I would give anything for a sign from you.

pumpkin carving without nolan

one of the many firsts that we have to do, that we must continue on for the sake of our family, our kids, and truly for ourselves.  sometimes I think the easy thing would be to curl up in a ball and never allow myself to be happy again.  but honestly, I am TRYING to be happy.  i'm miserable much of the time, but I am aiming for happiness.  so I want to enjoy Halloween with my children, even without Nolan.  it seems impossible.  but I must.  so our first year, tonight, without Nolan.  .... we are going to carve one for his grave too.

Ella throwing up

How can I not be scared out of my mind?  A short time before Nolan died, he had tummy bug where he threw up all night.  He also hadr some other random fever, achy virus.  Which ultimately led to his death, to our loss?  We don't know.  Myocarditis isn't exactly the same every time.

So Ella has now been throwing up the equivalent of all night.... She started at about four pm and it is nearly midnight.  She hasn't kept a thing down.

I'm scared.

I know these posts are often repetitive, but I'm always scared.

She took a medicine today that technically could be causing the vomiting.  I'm praying that is the case.  That she'll sleep well tonight and wake up her happy self in the morning.  Anyone who's reading this, please pray for us.

i know people mean well....

Sometimes when people try to show me that care with platitudes and such, I wonder if they truly can understand the horror that I'm living.  Tonight, I'm driving down the street after Logan's soccer practice and I was suddenly struck with the memories of that horrible morning which then proceeded to make me feel physically ill.  I want to vomit when I think of that morning.  I want to crawl under my blankets and never come out.  I want to drive and drive and never turn back.  I want to scream at every parent who still has all their children.  I want to cry non stop.  In thirty years, if I'm still alive, I will be just as horrified that this happened.

will i feel this much fear every day for the rest of my life?

I just don't know how I won't.... I know all the sayings of "be not afraid" and stuff... stuff about having faith.  trusting God.  but you know, I did that before Nolan died.  I put stock in my prayers of "please keep my kids healthy and safe" every single night.  I told my girl at bedtime "you are home with us, nothing can happen to you"....

but we found out otherwise....

I CAN'T trust in God.
Bad things can happen at home in bed even though mom and dad are in the room next door. 

how can I not go to bed fearful?

wake me up

Sometimes I still stop myself and think this must be a nightmare, I must wake up.  How the hell can it be real?  The reality is too painful and yes, too bizarre.  I'll be in the middle of a conversation and the pain will strike anew and a concurrent thought of "I must wake up".....

I'm sorry Nolan

I'm sorry for being so negative Nolan.  It's so hard to be cheerful, happy.  I know that is what you'd want.  You would want us to be happy.  But it is so hard without you.  I know you would not like to see my anger at God, my anger at life.  I'm sorry.  I don't want to be angry.  I just can't help it

Immature Idiot

So recently my feelings were extremely hurt by someone who supposedly cares about me & my family.  It upset me immensely.  It still does.  However, I've reached a conclusion:  it's their problem and not mine, this person is an immature idiot.... asshole to be more precise.  Seriously.  I mean who says stuff like this:

"you're house smells"...

I'll tell you who, a 12 year old kid, not a 50-something adult. 

Even if it is true. 

You just don't say that to ANYONE.... unless... you are... an asshole....immature... an idiot.  yes, i'm speaking out because I was SO HURT.  SO UPSET.  I lost sleep over it. 

I talked about it with a few friends and realized another thing that, yes, my house does smell sometimes... I have pets, I have kids.... and yes, i'm not a great housekeeper. 

But the thing is, when this person visited our house, I cleaned my ass off, febreezed the hell out of everything, burned candles, mopped, andmopped again.... if it "smelled", it probably smelled like Lysol with a hint of Willie (our dog, because let's face it, if you have a dog, it's impossible to rid your house of that smell... the one thing I don't miss about him)....

Then there was a brief stop at our house after Nolan died.  And honestly, who knows how my house smelled that time.  It could have smelled like anything and I wouldn't have noticed. 

To be honest jerk, until we got rid of Nolan's bed IN WHICH HE DIED there was a horrible smell because when he died his body released everything... and no matter how many times we tried to clean it (me, my dad, who knows who else) the smell was impossible to get rid of.  So yes, jerk.  maybe you smelled the smell of Nolan dying.  Asshole. 

Yes, now I am no longer "hurt" I'm pissed.  I'm angry.

And you know, I know that I don't get a "pass for life" because of losing my son... I know that.

BUT..... you would THINK that someone who LOVES us would at least be KIND to us 9 months after losing our child. 

YOU WOULD THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah... sometimes my house might smell like a dog (no more though), 2 cats, a reptile cage, boys who can't seem to hit the toilet, a 2 year old who is potty training (or was in diapers at the time), food cooking, dishes in the sink from yesterday because I was busy running my children all over the place today, cookies baking, candles burning, spoiled milk because sometimes my kids pour themselves a cup of milk, then leave it in an odd place that I don't notice UNTIL it smells, laundry that I left in too long because again, I am running 4-previously 5, children everywhere, wet something (because my kids spill things and I don't always kjnow it)

Here's the thing, I am REALLY REALLY one of those people who hate bad smells.  So that is probably why I took this so personally.... I will smell and odor in my house of children and will then go crazy trying to locate the source.

I'm obviously NOT type-a.  My house is not always like YOURS. 

But guess what?  I do not give a shit.

I don't.

My son died and even though I already knew what was important before his death, I know it even more now.

Here's what matters:  family, loving each other, kindness, home....

My kids have fun at home.  Sometimes they drive me nuts because they DO leave milk somewhere unknown, the boys DO pee and miss the seat, ella does spill water and not bother to tell me.... That's life. 

We do not know how much time we have on this earth.  Obviously.  My healthy son died in his sleep when he was a mere 13 years old.  We thought we had all the time in the world.  We didn't.

I'm not going to waste my time worrying anymore what people think.  I'm not.  I'm raising my children to know love, to know God, to know respect, to know kindness, to know charity.  I pray none of them ever speak like this person spoke to me.  I talk to them often about hurting the feelings of others. 

I'm still working on the anger thing... even though I'm not going to "worry" anymore what people think, I'm human.  I'm still angry about this.  I hope I get over that... though I don't know if I will.  Right now, I could care less if I ever see this person again in my entire life, which is sad because before he said this, I always really thought a lot of him. 

But I may always feel that way. 

Side note:  I'm angry with God right now about Nolan.  Don't know if I will ever get over that either.  So perhaps I need to work on my anger issues while this person learns about how to be human. 

 

your laugh

I wonder if I have your laugh on video?  I miss your laugh

there's this loud pounding in my head

sometimes when you see me smiling & laughing with other adults or my children, there's something you don't see.  it's the loud pounding in my head. 

it's this pounding that is sometimes actual pain, sometimes just noise, sometimes it's like a scream.  it's the noise of anger, sadness, despair. 

it's hard to smile and laugh now.  I do it.  i'm thankful that I have children and friends and other family who make me do it.  but it's hard. 

so if you look at me and think to yourself "how the hell can she act like she's happy after what she's been through?"  just know you don't see everything

how can you not be here anymore?

how? 

I just want to scream and cry and scream some more.  i want to throw things.  i want to have a huge tantrum like my sweet ella still likes to throw. 

how can you not be here Nolan?  how?  i miss you so much.  that doesn't get easier.  the missing you.  it gets harder.  because you seem further and further away from me....

i am so mad at God.  so mad.  there is nothing right about this.  you went to bed "healthy" for God's sake!  you were only 13!!!!!  you had everything in the world to live for! 

you are my boy & i miss you so much.  how can you not be here?

it's going to be a tough couple months

well, honestly, it's going to be a tough life for me, period. 

but already, feeling extra emotional lately... we have entered what has always been my favorite time of year.... especially since becoming a mom.  from now through new years has always been so busy, so crazy, and so joyous to me. 

it was rotten timing too that Nolan's headstone arrived... that started the whirlwind of extra emotions... I feel like I have been crying ever since....

fall leaves, fall pictures iwht the kids....
Halloween... always so much fun for us as a family... even at age 12 last year, Nolan spent Halloween with us, not friends.
thanksgiving.... family
then of course, December... my favorite month of the year... love the entire Christmas season.... everything about it will now be without Nolan... from decorating the tree, to baking cookies, Nolan's letter to santa (always so sweet and thoughtful)....
and Nolan and I's shared birthday.... that was ours.  that was special.  our day. 
and now the anniversary of his death is in my favorite month... what the hell? 

we've never done a lot to celebrate new years eve... though the kids were getting old enough that they looked forward to it.  now?  never can I celebrate that day ever again.

and then from what I have heard, it seems unimaginable, but supposedly the 2nd year without my child will be even worse.....

fear, anger, sadness

These feelings seem to rule my life

aging

Not to be vain, but I used to look younger than my age... oh maybe not a lot, but probably at least five years younger.  And Patrick has always looked five years younger too.

Grief ages you.

I'd guess that in the last nine months, my face has aged at least ten years.  My hair has more grey.  And physically, well, I guarantee my insides have aged as well.  I no longer have a hop in my step.

Emotionally, I'm now ancient.  I've suffered such heartbreak that I now feel a million years old.

Patrick is looking older too.

Grief ages you.

anxiety

I have suffered on and off from anxiety attacks for about six years.  I went through many when Logan was about one.  Then I got over them and they stayed away other than the occasional mild one until Nolan s death.  Now they are back.  They were pretty bad the first couple months, then they lessened a bit.  I had a major one today.  I almost went to the Dr.  I was hyperventilating, about to pass out, all while driving.... real nice.  I've been sick from allergies and then my blood pressure went up and then I just freaked.  I'm so scared all the time, it's no wonder.