National Grief Awareness Day

I wrote this on my other page today.  I wanted to share it here as well. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/6473950-national-grief-awareness-day

Body Odor Makes Me Sad

Nolan had just started to need deodorant occasionally.  It wasn't an all the time thing.  He was a little behind on hitting puberty. 

Liam seems ahead of the game.  Body hair, growth, and body odor.  He's got it all. 

Today, he smelled up the van so badly with his body odor.  He had played soccer yesterday then went to a sleepover.  At the sleepover, they rode bikes.  He had no deodorant and didn't shower.  Boy did he smell.

I felt sad thinking that I never really dealt with that with Nolan. 

I'm so sick and angry with God with the world.  If there was a God that cared, Nolan wouldnt' have died.  If there was a God that cared, I could receive some sort of powerful sign because I NEED IT. 

There's no one up there that cares about me.

Selfish Thoughts

Sometimes I find it impossible to "like" someone's status or photos on facebook because I selfishly think that they have no idea what it is like to lose their child. 

Example:  today, a mom, a nice mom, wrote that she had only cried once today after leaving her child at college.  and all I could think of was how I wished Nolan was just at college. 

And I know that I am being selfish because life goes on.  Their feelings are genuine and true and they deserve to share them with the world. 

But I am wrapped up in my own world of grief.  It's hard for me to step outside of it. 

Ever.

You are beautiful

I was looking at some old photos today from one of our trips to Florida.  You always had such a beautiful smile.  You always had such enthusiasm for life!I wonder if I will ever not hate God for taking you.  It's a really sorrowful and dark feeling to have. 

 

 I will never understand this.  Never.

I miss you so much Nolan. And this is not fair.  It sucks and makes me want to use some really foul language right now.

He Should Be STarting High School Today

Here's a post I wrote on my other blogging page about how hard today is. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/5653452-why-the-first-day-of-school-is-tough