Crying More

I'm relieved to be crying again.  I was taking some Zoloft for awhile to help with anxiety and instead it was making me a zombie.  I am a crier.  That's me.

I have been sad a lot, of course.  But lately, these things have made me sad:  1) yesterday was memorial day.  I remember going to the cemetery with my parents as a kid visiting old people's graves.  that's what you should do on memorial day.  not visit a child's gave.

and 2) today I took logan to the children's mercy orthopedic clinic.  I had completely forgotten about taking Nolan there a few times for scoliosis.  I was crying when we were waiting once it hit me.  the last time I was in that clinic was with Nolan.  a few years ago. 

losing Nolan just sucks and hurts and is hell and just can't get better.  how could it?

Life Goes On and it Sucks

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3515116-life-goes-on

a few things that are on my mind

i hate that my other kids are asthmatic.  their coughs scare me.  I hate being so scared.

i'm so tired.

I know it is wrong

I know it is wrong, but I am so jealous of complete families.  i know that jealousy is never a good thing.  but i can't help it.  i see people celebrating their families and their kids and i'm jealous.  our family will never be complete ever again.  how do i come to grips with that?

Pictures on the Wall

I'm slowly adding more photos to our main photo wall in our living room.  I also added a big multi-photo frame to the hallway.  If we added it up, there are probably a couple more of Nolan than anyone else.  Once I explained to one of the kids that it is because I still get to see them, but I only have pictures now of Nolan.  I hope they understand.  Though, looking up at my wall right now, there is only one of Nolan by himself and it is small.  However, he is in 14.  Actually I see more of my daughter by herself than anyone else.... Huh, I guess I shoudlnt' worry too much about them thinking anything.  Although, I do have 4-5 pictures of him just him, in frames on shelves.  I think they get it. 

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

Another MOthers' Day without You

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3317255-mothers039-day-random-thoughts

The Other Day

The other day, someone said to me that they were so happy that I was doing so much better.  I thought to myself, wow, I must REALLY be putting on a happy face for the world because I am NOT doing better.  I'm more sad, hopeless, and down than ever.  Yes, I'm sort of used to the fact that Nolan is dead.  But not really.  Sometimes the reality hits me out of nowhere, like today.  I was driving and it hit me, for the thousandth time, that I will never see him again.  never.  it's so f...ing final. 

This is hell on earth.

yeah, i'm not doing better.

I just can't get it together

in my head, I can't help but compare the other kids to Nolan.  it's not fair.  this is making me a worse mom!!!!  I have had so many people tell me how what happened to Nolan has made them a better mom.  yet, me, the one who lost my son???? i'm a much worse mom now.  i'm angry and sad all the time.  I yell.  I disappear into myself.  this made me a worse mom.  how can there be a God when this stuff happens?  There is no reason for this.  there is no purpose to this.  i'm miserable.