St Patrick's Day without You

sad days.... always sad days

here's a post from my other blog
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9898691-missing-him-a-little-extra-today

Tears at a Wedding

my husband and I attended a wedding tonight.  (I suppose since it is 4am, I should say yesterday)

he's not much of a dancer, but he likes to dance to slow songs. 

the live band performed "I Will Always Love You,"  to which we danced.

as we were dancing slowly, all I could think of was Nolan.  initially, I was imagining me saying the words to him.  Then I realized it was more appropriate to think of him saying them to me because the singer is the one to leave. 

and he left

he left me without a warning

not by choice, of course

but he left me.

the lyrics say something like "well I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love." 

yes, it's a love song, but isn't the love between parent and child unlike any other?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here.

My second without you. 

Most of the time I am just functioning, doing everything I have to do.  Then suddenly I feel tears because I see a picture of you.  I looked through pictures of your last thanksgiving. 

We were at my sister's house.  You and your little brother Logan helped uncle Bruce and your cousin chase to chop wood.  You loved to be productive. 

Today is the first time I will be at your Aunt Brenda's house since you died. 

I will see your ghost everywhere I am sure:  playing board games, eating turkey legs, watching tv in the living room, out in her backyard, her front yard, playing the piano. 

You will be missing.  You will be missed. 

I miss you always.

I Wish He Could Enjoy These Things

I wish Nolan were here. 

I always wish Nolan were here. 

I think of him all the time. 

He should be here to enjoy life with us.  I remember how much we were enjoying our sunroom before he died.  Just a few weeks before his death I had bought a couch and tv for the sunroom.  I wanted it to be a great place for the kids to hangout with friends.  I still had hopes for fixing the basement, but wasn't sure when that would happen. 

We were rapidly outgrowing our little three-bedroom house with our five growing kids. 

Oh how I would love to be that crowded again!

About a year after Nolan's death, I started to work on the basement.  I rented a huge dumpster and decluttered like crazy.  Then I painted walls, I painted the floor.  Next I hired someone to put up a couple walls.  After that I organized, bought carpets, bought furniture.  I even bought a small pool table.  The basement became a wonderful space for the children.  It nearly doubled our living space.

Now I am open to parties, to sleepovers. 

In the last month, I have hosted a first communion party, a birthday party, a slumber party, a sleepover, and a baby shower.  All in a month. 

Our house has felt festive, full of laughter and noise and friends.

I think of Nolan and his beautiful personality.  He would be loving the social life we have been having. 

I wish he were here. 

Worries for the PTSD Mother

 

I'm tired of worrying so much.  I have always been a worrier.  Before I even had children, I had a friend who called me "The Worrying Walrus" (because she had read a children's book titled that).  Add children to the mix and then, of course, I worry about them.  Add the death of my son to our lives, and worry has become an enormous weight. 

So many fears exist now, fears that, perhaps were there, but were miniscule. 

 

My twelve-year old (who turns thirteen next week) worries me.  First of all, I have this worry that I will lose all my children at age thirteen.  It's an unreasonable fear.  I have no valid reason to feel that way.  I'm just scared. 

 

However, my twelve-year old has been complaining of neck pains for almost a week now.  I seriously think it is probably just a pulled muscle.  He feels fine otherwise.  He even remembers when it started, specifically, like he pulled something.  However, it's just not getting any better.  Again, it is probably just a pulled muscle. 

 

But what if it isn't? 

 

I don't know what else it could be, but I'm still scared. 

 

I hate the fear that is in my life now.  I hate it.

I forgot

I had completely forgotten that I started another blog on here that is to be stories of my sweet boy, Nolan.  my brain is just not the same.  losing a child is so tiring, draining, horrible.  I don't remember stuff often.  I should make a point of writing on there daily.  I miss Nolan so much.

Oh, I had a connection on another site tell me they hope that I just "get over what happened" to my son....  seriously? 

Here's the post I wrote in response.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8998804-it-actually-happened

Will I Always Feel So Angry?

I wonder at times if I will always feel so angry.  I have such ugly thoughts at times.  Sometimes they are about me, my family, God, other people. 

I'm just filled with hate. 

On a photo that I shared on facebook much like the one I have attached to this post, someone wrote "He is always with you."  And my first hateful thought was, NO HE IS NOT!  HE IS BURIED IN THE GROUND! 

such darkness permeates my being.

And it has aged me.  oh it has aged me. 

And I have gained weight.  I look at myself and cannot believe how horrible I look.  I feel like the ugliness of my soul is showing in the ugliness of me nowadays. 

property of me.

Grief is so tiring

just another post about how tired I am lately
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8124433-grief-is-exhausting

Crying More

I'm relieved to be crying again.  I was taking some Zoloft for awhile to help with anxiety and instead it was making me a zombie.  I am a crier.  That's me.

I have been sad a lot, of course.  But lately, these things have made me sad:  1) yesterday was memorial day.  I remember going to the cemetery with my parents as a kid visiting old people's graves.  that's what you should do on memorial day.  not visit a child's gave.

and 2) today I took logan to the children's mercy orthopedic clinic.  I had completely forgotten about taking Nolan there a few times for scoliosis.  I was crying when we were waiting once it hit me.  the last time I was in that clinic was with Nolan.  a few years ago. 

losing Nolan just sucks and hurts and is hell and just can't get better.  how could it?

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

The Other Day

The other day, someone said to me that they were so happy that I was doing so much better.  I thought to myself, wow, I must REALLY be putting on a happy face for the world because I am NOT doing better.  I'm more sad, hopeless, and down than ever.  Yes, I'm sort of used to the fact that Nolan is dead.  But not really.  Sometimes the reality hits me out of nowhere, like today.  I was driving and it hit me, for the thousandth time, that I will never see him again.  never.  it's so f...ing final. 

This is hell on earth.

yeah, i'm not doing better.

lonely sad bitter mad

I'm so lonely.

I'm so sad.

I'm so bitter.

I'm so mad. 

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

the other day

my mind was full of thoughts to put here.  where did they go?  my mind isn't the same since Nolan's death.  motherhood, in general, has given my brain a run for its money.  add in the death of my son, and my brain is just a little bit of a mess.  I can't remember to mail bills.  I am overdue on things all the time even when we have the money to pay the bills.  i'm a disaster on two feet who'd like to just lie in my bed. 

Linking to an article about a Mother's Fear

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2930461-fear-of-a-mother

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

The Carefree Past

I was looking through my old photos on Facebook this evening.  I was struck by the days when my profile picture was of either just me or me and one of the other kids or the other kids or just one of the other kids.  Rarely now will I have a profile pic that does not include my sweet Nolan.  I feel like he needs to be seen by people.  I don't want people to forget him..... He's such a part of me.  I don't know.  just looking at those pictures reminded me of the past.  back, way way way back when I was carefree.  of even just back, shortly before Nolan's death, when I had the normal worries in adult life of how to pay bills, school for the kids, etc.  I wish I could go back.

sorrow

sometimes it just hits me when I look at your picture how GONE you are.... I start to feel more empty.  there is a constant emptiness since you left us.  but occasionally, I just feel more empty.  does that make sense?

today I was looking at your picture from a saint Patrick's day, probably about 5 years ago or so.  you are so little.  you look so happy.  I look at pictures and suddenly realize the truth in never seeing you again, the truth in never hearing your voice.

my faith is so shattered.  I don't know if I will ever see you again.  I dont' know if there is a heaven.  I just don't. 

then there are those who believe in heaven we will not even remember our earthly life. 

if that's true, then I still won't see you.

my heart is broken.

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years