Nolan Drawing With His Feet

Nolan was an artist.  He was drawing constantly from the time he was able to pick up a crayon.  Here's a video of him when he went through his phase of drawing with his feet. 

Nolan, you were the first....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1653850-you-were-the-first

people's positive words

people often tell me they worry about saying the wrong thing to me.  in all honesty, nothing anyone says to me is going to make me upset with them.  however, often what they say can really warm my heart.  does it make me less sad?  no.  i'm sad forever.  but they can comfort me with their kindness, their positive outlook, their belief in God and Heaven and that Nolan is there.  It's comforting.  I'm thankful for these people.  in all my miserableness, i'm thankful for these people.

Disbelief

There's still a certain level of disbelief as I walk through every single day in a haze of gloom and grief.  I look at Nolan's smiling face in photographs and I am filled with such a desperate longing to see him again.  I relive that awful moment of walking into his bedroom that horrific morning.  I shut my eyes and I open them and yes, I'm awake.  It's not a dream.  It is a terrible reality.  Terrible.  That's not even an evil enough word for it.    Horrific?  I do not think there is a word in the English language that can truly describe it, losing your child like this.  Losing your child period is a nightmare.  And we can argue what way is the worst way.  Patrick and I have said a few times that suicide would have been worse.  Or knowing your child was a victim of molestation.  But.... the trauma that we all feel from that day, the post-traumatic stress that we feel.... finding our beautiful son dead in his bedroom when he went to bed healthy.... How can I believe it is real? 

Pictures of Nolan climbing trees

it shouldn't be so difficult to visit my son....

but it is.....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1614512-visiting-the-cemetery

unable to keep up with anything, especially my house

I would be extremely humiliated if anyone who helped with all the work around my house in January were to walk in the door right now.  I would hang my head in shame and probably never be able to look them in the eye again.... My house is a mess.

I've never been a great housekeeper, but I do TRY.... I try....

Seriously though, between my anxiety attacks that have made me physically feel ill, Ella being sick, lack of good spirit period, I can't seem to get motivated to anything.  I can't keep up.  I'm not good at having the kids help.  Oh I will say "logan pick up the living room" and he'll pick it up, but it's not clean... he's just picked up some of the clutter. Or Ciara will decide to vacuum.  I miss my old living room rug.... the one that we have now shows every single spec of dirt.  I can vacuum it and five minutes later it looks dirty.  the old rug was beautiful rich colors and shag and you couldn't see any dirt!  So the kids help, don't get me wrong.... But it's not enough.  Nolan was my truly good helper.  If I asked him to do a job, he did it completely.  Not tryin to compare everyone to him.  He was older. And therefore, he should have been better at it. 

I have tried getting rid of things, but they just continue to pile up.  Everything is just a mess.  And I just can't get it clean.  It's horrible.  I think being depressed and sad just doesn't help.  My energy level is blah. 

videos of nolan

so for some reason, I have a few videos that won't work on this computer, but if I upload to facebook or youtube they work.  so I thought I would test them on here too.  here's a fun video of liam and Nolan being silly together.  gosh, liam has to miss him so much. 

there are days where i just feel even more empty

today was one of them.... I played a song a couple times that always makes me cry about Nolan.  I didn't cry.  the only tears I shed today were when my feelings got a little hurt at a person's probably unintentional remark that made me think they think my kids are poorly behaved.... that brought some tears.  but I didnt' cry about Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  I feel like, gosh, I don't even know how to explain it.  I look at his pictures and there's this unreality of it, I feel hazy today, like none of it is real.  yet, it's so real that I feel empty.  I felt sad today as I looked at photos from Nolan's birthday... but I didn't cry.  I needed to cry.  I was alone at home in the house, the best time for me to cry. I can let it all out, I can scream.  but I didn't.  I just felt foggy.  I've been obsessing about this website called bubblews because i'm trying to earn money for Christmas on there because otherwise no idea how we will afford gifts this year.  and really, with the suckiness of Nolan not being here, i'd hate for the gifts to be sucky too.  I know that isn't what it's about.... but still, the kids deserve some magic.  and so, i'm spending loads of time on this website trying to earn a few bucks to help with Christmas.  anyway... that's what I have thought about today.  I guess my distractions worked today if I didn't cry.  but I kind of wanted to since I was home alone.  and I didn't.  empty. 

Nolan was the Exception, I think

I look at all my children, all of whom I love deeply.  I see their qualities, I see their faults.  I see things that I want them to work on, I see things that I know is just a phase (i.e. being a 12 year old boy!).  I see Liam acting like every boy I remember from that age acting... silly, boyish, rowdy, goofy sense of humor, difficulty sitting still.  I think he still shows respect, which is important, but he may not always pay attention when he should.  He's a goofball & I love that about him.  I know that someday the silly things that make boys laugh at the age of 12 won't necessarily make him laugh when he's an adult, or even 15.  Nolan was a goofball too.  He seemed to have an easier way about him though.  He naturally knew how to be polite and respectful and saved his goofiness for the proper times.  Liam is polite and respectful, but he doesn't always remember to save the goofball antics for the right time because HE IS A 12 YEAR OLD BOY!   I think Nolan was the exception, really.  From my own experiences growing up, from kids I have known through my life, Liam is the one who acts like I think 12 year olds normally do.... silly.  goofy.    He's a good kid.  He has a big heart and always wants to do what is right.  He loves his family.  He loves God.  He's just a boy for goodness sakes.

And you know, I'm glad.  I am glad that even after losing his brother, his best friend AND being the one to find him, that he can still act like a normal 12 year old.  I'm glad that he finds things like farting funny, even though I don't.  And I am proud of him.

Logan is hyper and can't seem to sit still.  he too likes to act silly.  again, I'm glad!  I'm glad he can act silly after all we have been through.  He'll mature eventually and settle down and I know he's a good kid too.  Having older brothers, he seems to grasp onto that silly dumb boy humor at an earlier age then they did.  But someday, he will be a great grown up young man.  I'm already proud of him.

Ciara is a girl and all girl.  She's going through the tough lessons that girls have to go through, learning that you have to be true to your friends, that you have to be kind to others even if sometimes you don't feel like it.  Girls are snarky, girls are mean.  Ciara falls into the same trap as all girls do at times, but we talk about it and she will learn.  And she has a big heart and will eventually make someone the most wonderful friend in the world.  and when she grows up, I know she will always want to help people, bbecause that is what she does now.

So I think Nolan was the exception.  All of this growing up stuff seemed to come pretty easy for him.  He rarely seemed insecure.  He knew when to do what.  It was just his personality.  I don't love him any more or any less than the others.  I love them each for their own beautiful selves. 

feeling sad, of course

looking through old pictures from Nolan's last birthday.... i'm so sad. 

still so filled with anxiety

i'm home alone with ella today & having an anxiety day... crap.  I hate it.  I have been feeling better, but still occasionally having the difficulty breathing.  I think it is anxiety, but sometimes I still worry it is health.  I had so nmany tests done over the last two weeks.  I feel better, then I feel bad.  is it just anxiety?  I already took my meds and still feeling anxious.  I hate it.  I just want to feel good.  healthy.  I don't like this at all. 

more on anxiety

I have a constant feeling of anxiety these days & I honestly just want to feel NORMAL again... and by normal, I mean as normal as a mom who lost her son can feel.  I want to be able to just physically feel OK.  Today's been rough.  Ella is sick with a  fever.  And it's making me exhausted.  Poor girl.  And you add the fear I feel on top because last year Nolan had both a throw up bug and a fever bug within a month of each other and then he died.  So now here is ella.... so i'm scared.  and tired.  it sucks.  i'm sure the fear doesn't help my anxiety.  and I had to drive to Lenexa twice today and seriously, not sure why but driving seriously makes me anxious now.  almost everything does though.... I rarely feel relaxed.  Maybe when I am in bed and it is quiet.  That's about it.  Even then, I worry. 

my most recent post

I'm writing on another site too called www.bubblews.com  I save most of my writings about dealing with this sorrow and pain for this site, but occasionally I will write a post there that needs to be posted here too.  so here's one I wrote today.  http://www.bubblews.com/news/1576891-writing-from-the-heart

my anxiety

I have been suffering extreme anxiety lately.  I'm sure part of it is just that the holidays are upon us.  My favorite time of year.  Now living it without my sweet Nolan.  I still have moments of disbelief.  How can this be real?
I seem to feel anxious every time I have to drive the kids somewhere, especially if it is a longer drive.  I usually do ok driving to our close co-op, but anything else and I am biting my nails & feeling short of breath.  It's kind of a crappy thing because as a mom period, let alone a homeschool mom who has to constantly run her kids places, it is not good to fear driving.  I hope it's temporary.
I've started on a daily anti-anxiety/anti-depressant to hopefully help.  So far, I'm not noticing a big difference.  I'm still needing my as needed drug too.  Kind of sucks.  I don't like to be dependent upon medicine.  But I guess this isn't your normal situation.

a few things i miss.... an incomplete list

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1570354-just-a-few-things-that-i-miss-about-my-son

just a few random thoughts on things i'm thinking of today.... and every day.... I miss you

comfort

there is comfort in the kind words, the prayers, the virtual hugs, the real hugs, the emails, the cards... there is comfort. 

Nolan is gone.  nothing fills that void.

yet I have people reaching out to me, mostly virtually, but still, reaching out.  I imagine a world before facebook.  I think if I had lost my son then.  my void would be the same.  but would I have as much comfort as I do now?  I don't know.  the world has changed. 

I used to be one of those gals who spoke on the phone with friends every day.  now I rarely talk on the phone.  so maybe, just maybe, if facebook weren't around, i'd have real contact with people?  I don't know.  it's just a different place now.

but i'm thankful for the friends that I have.  i'm thankful for them checking in on me and saying they are thinking of me. 

i'm sad.  the sadness is there.  period.  Nolan is gone & all the comforting friends in the world can't replace him.  but i'm grateful for the comfort.

more to feel sick about

Money
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1522328-money-from-my-childamp039s-death-kind-of-sucks

trying to function while grieving

some random thoughts in this post  http://www.bubblews.com/news/1516450-i-think-grieving-parents-should-get-some-kind-of-a-pass

just not doing well right now

can't breathe, anxiety abounds, can't eat, nausea, more tears than usual... feel like I should be in a mental hospital.  i'm a mess.  I can't function.  I can't focus on the kids.  I feel bad, I know they are worried about me. I can't focus to pray other than begging God to make me feel better.  Yet He doesn't.  My house falls into a bigger mess because I just can't do anything.... I'm scared for my health.  Scared for my kids. 

a song someone just shared with me

well, this song says it all.... I miss you Nolan. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frsDzIQ4gQI&feature=youtu.be

i feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown

The last week has been miserable, yes, they are all miserable to an extent, but the last week had been even worse.  I'm crying constantly and having anxiety attacks several times daily.  When not having a full on attack, I'm constantly anxious.  It's taking a toll on me.  I'm not feeling healthy at all, I'm even more exhausted, and my house is even messier than usual.  I can't focus, my poor kids...I feel like I'm bein g such a bad mom to them.  I feel like I need a companion to just come sit and hold my hand through my anxiety attacks, or to do my laundry, or to take care of my kids while I cry in my room.  I went to the Dr and am starting on an antibiotic which will hopefully help my breathing and an daily anxiety pill, but that takes a couple weeks to notice effects....so please pray for me.  I need it.