i don't know why it matters

But it does...

I have a good friend or two or three who, after the initial reachingh out, haven't been reaching out... nothing much matters to me, but I do think of it and feel hurt.

Maybe it is because I have a pile of thank yous that I still haven't written....  it's embarrassing really

Maybe there is an uncertainty with how to act

I have a couple friends who just periodically email or text me to say "hey, I'm thinking of you."  Or I'm praying for you"  or how are you.that means a lot to me

It's just funny because my brain is so frazzled, yet I'm aware of stuff like this, stuff that shouldn't matter.  My world has crashed, so really it's all trivial...  I just wonder sometimes if they really get just how messed up my world is now.... how a caring "how are you" would be appreciated.

taco bell

We ate taco bell for lunch today.  It was the first time since the day before Nolan's death.... on Dec 30, we went to church.  We were minus daddy, but plus a friend of ciara s.  We drove her home after mass.  Nolan sat in the front seat, next to me.  The kids were thrilled with my announcement of lunch at taco bell.  Daddy hates taco bell, so we don't have it too often.  Nolan had two bean burritos, his favorite.

Today, we went through the busy drive through and all I could think of was the last time we were there... how 24 hours later my world had come crashing down....  taco bell.... forever I will think of it as part of my last day on earth with my precious son.

it feels like our family is in a tailspin

It used to feel like that sometimes, just with the chaos that goes with a family of seven.  Life would get crazy.  But the crazy would be mixed up with happiness and love.  Happiness.  Now it just feels like nothing is the way it should be.   So much bickering, too much tv, nothing like it was.  I feel like I'm failing as a mom to keep my family afloat.  Oh I mean, I'm doin what I must, running the kids here and there and everywhere, I'm buying them stuff, I'm keeping us busy, keeping us fed.  But I'm lacking spirit and I'm sure it shows... I try to be happy.

Nolan was so good at getting us to do things as a family.... play a game, go to the park...
I feel so lost without him.

Today, Logan said that I'm always looking at my kindle...what a great way for him to think of me... I suck

our house

We have a small house....6 months ago, we were busting at the seems with five children and the bedrooms.   Our house feels so empty now.  There's a ghost-like quality now in my mind, hazy, cold, sad.  I rarely hear joyful sounds of children's laughter coming from the boys' room.  There's a gloomy, overcast feeling.  And again, empty.

 Nolan was so full of life and joy.  Our home was crowded, but full of love and laughter.

  I'm in so much pain.

I feel like our family will never recover from this.

scream

Imagine the most horrible, heart wrenching scream....  that's what I'm feeling ALL the time

a horror

I can't wrap my mind around the horror of this...Nolan went to bed thinking he had his whole life ahead of him.  Maybe thinking about playing air soft guns again the next day, maybe thinking about the avengers, maybe thinking of a girl....he had no reason to think his life was over.... that's the horror of it.  His life is over.

i found it!!!!

My Nolan journal!!!!!!!! I felt certain it was gone for good.... I found it.  A piece of Nolan.  I can't really say I'm happy, but I'm happy I found it.

so many things that will never happen

so my dear sweet husband kind of messed up on my 40th birthday (don't think he even realizes it)... but you know, it was the big 4-0 and i wanted something special... either an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... he got me knives.  yes, i had wanted some nice knives.  so in that respect, he did fine.  but that was more of a 39th bday gift of a 41st.  so... i had thought to myself, i am going to make myself clear that iw ant something special for my 50th.  something big like an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... now that nolan is gone, i honestly don't care.  granted.  that is 7 years from now.  but for one thing, my birthday is nolan's birthday.  that will always take precendence over my day.  so a big 50th bday for me?  or a memorial for nolan who should be turning 20 on that day.... see?  no fiftieth bday for me.

another thing i had really, really hoped to do.... i wanted to redo our marriage vows maybe at 20th anniversary... and i wanted it special.  a party.  all of our friends and family.  our kids up there with us.  our kids.  up there.  as we redo our vows.  and now???? how could i do that and think that it felt right???? a party with our whole family WITHOUT NOLAN?????  how can that happen? 

those are both selfish things... things for ME that i have dreamed of.....  of course, there are all the many, many things that i think of about nolan... things that won't happen.

there's a girl we know through our catholic homeschool group.  for some reason, i just had this thought of "he's going to marry her".... and now???  anytime I see her, when i see her post things of fb, when i hear from her mom about things... right now, not a big deal... but when she actually does get married????? i'm going to be crushed.  

Nolan will never marry. 

Nolan will never have a first kiss.

Nolan will never graduate from high school or college.

Nolan will never get a first job.

Nolan will never drive a car (though he did often sit on daddy's lap & help drive). 

Nolan will never go to Europe (hell, at this rate, neither will I)

Nolan will never be a father. 

It's all so heartbreaking... I can't stand it. 

music makes me cry

everything makes me cry
i love music.  i'm a rock-star-wannabe & have always been one to sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.  that's me.  the kids have their favorite songs.  nolan had his favorite songs.  the kids are at an age where we put in the ipod & listen to their songs, though honestly, not so much since nolan died.  but before nolan died, we'd have it on every day.  hot chelle rae, taio cruz, one direction.... one of my favorite memories, favorite moments, with my kids, with nolan, was a weeknight in december.  i was waiting for a ride to dinner with my friend mary & we were listening to music & we were all dancing (except liam who was being grumpy).  it was so fun.  i was thinking "this is the life".... i had no idea that in less than a month that life would be ripped away from me.

but now, music makes me cry.... i still listen of course. 

when i hear the popular music that nolan would listen to, it makes me cry.  i sing along & get choked up. 

when i hear love songs, i now think of nolan.  i think of it in terms of motherly love rather than romantic love & it usually works.

when i hear songs from my youth, i cry because i think how carefree and happy i was then & how i had no idea the tragedy that was waiting for me down the road. 

when i hear songs that are new that we now like (the first that comes to mind is the duet by pink & fun, just give me a reason) i get sad because nolan never knew them with us....

when i hear music about youth, about living to be old, about marriage, about death, about having fun... it all makes me think of nolan.... i still sing loud, until the tears choke me up.  i usually have my sunglasses on, but my kids know i am crying... they hear it in my voice. 

everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be

hell

I'll be brief.   This is hell.

so grouchy

And seem to be taking it out on the kids... I wish wish wish I would learn to control my temper.  I've learned nothing since losing you. I'm probably even being a worse mom because of the added stress and exhaustion

so sad, so tired

It has been a tough week.   Extra emotional.  Then mothers day yesterday.  My first without Nolan.  It hurt so bad.  I tried to enjoy my family, my other kids.  There were smiles.  There was gardening outside on a lovely day.  There was pizza and beer at Waldo pizza and noisy kids.  There was tv at home to unwind.  There was home made French toast compliments of ciara.  A flower from Logan.  an offer from Liam to take me to the movies.  B but there was no Nolan.  Last mother's day he gave me two paperback mysteries that he had bought at a garage sale....he knew I liked mysteries .  He asked the woman who was having the sale of she had any mysteries.   He was always so thoughtful....always.   now he's gone and my heart is broken

another friend writes about Nolan...

it means a lot to me when my friends write about him....in fact, the couple times I've noticed that a blogger friend has not,it has really hurt my feelings.... anyway, here's a post by my friend Kerrie.   i think she even posted more than once about him...and that means so much...

http://www.thekerrieshow.com/2013/02/in-memory-of-nolan.html

stitches, moles, asthma, and stuff

you and Liam spent most of your time in our backyard.  so imaginative, curious, adventuresome.  I'd look at you boys digging in the backyard, finding bugs, building forts, racing each other.  always making up games.  last summer, you created this fun water balloon game that we all played outside a couple hot summer evenings...even i played!   it was great and came from your creative mind.

a few years ago, we had a rope hanging from one of the trees and you would swing on it, like a monkey.  it was great fun that you started and before long all of you kids were taking turns, laughing, having a great time.  one afternoon, you were playing this swinging tree game and suddenly i hear a scream and you come running into the house... blood was everywhere.  you had swung right into the tree with your face, your mouth.  mouth injuries always seem to bleed a lot (something i don't think i knew until i had adventurous kids)..... but this was seriously squirting out and i thought "is there an artery there i should be concerned about?"....  called 911 and panicked, not very calm and motherly like i should have been.  it scared me.Patrick came home, took you into children's mercy, gotcha a couple stitches...you had this cute scar on your lip.....

you had a couple big, scary moles....you were sure you had skin cancer.  you'd be playing soccer and trying to keep your shoulders and chest out of the sun.  it was comical,yet sweetly sad to watch....we had them removed for your peace of mind.  i took you for the procedure.  you were scared.  you cried.  you were  getting so grown up, yet you needed me that day.  i sat and held your hand while they removed them.

asthma....from the time you were four months old,  i would give you breathing treatments....holding you on my lap when you were little, holding the mask over your face middle of the night when you were big and just listening as you did it yourself as you grew into a young man.

being your mother is such a privilege Nolan.  every time i got to care for you, nurture you...a privilege.

 I'm sorry  i messed up and missed that something was wrong with you.  I'm sorry that i failed to nurture you that fateful night.  I'm so sorry

empty

this horrible emptiness is never going to go away....you are gone, my sweet,sweet boy.  nothing can fill that void.  somehow, i have to keep living though.  i think how unfair this is to all of us, but especially to your brothers and sisters.  not only was their innocence robbed by this tragedy, but now they have sadness in their lives that is just not right....and they lost you

grief counseling

went to group grief counseling tonight. it was good.  i cried for an entire hour.  it was seriously good to be able to do that. i hope can continue it for some time. being around other bereaved parents is helpful.

i hate thinking

about this nightmare.... we seriously have been watching more tv than ever.. filling my head with fluff seems to be the only thing fighting off pain

I'm still not praying really, not much anyway... i feel such  darkness about God

comparing my grief

"they" say not to compare your grief to that of others.  our suffering is our own.   even those who've suffered the same loss (ie me and Patrick)  are suffering individually.  i can't help it though, i compare myself to others... sometimes i think "my story is THE worst".....others i think, gosh that's worse.

the woman with the stillborn baby:  i think, well, her loss is less. she didn't spend every day with that child, know that child.   but then i think, would i have preferred Nolan to have been stillborn?  to never have known him?  to never have had those 13 years?   whose loss is truly greater?

the child who dies from cancer:   i say "at least they had warning!!!  "  our traumatic situation feels so much more horrible, the blindsiding in our own home that robbed our other children of security.   yet...... cancer..... imagining my sweet Nolan suffering for months, excruciating pain, not being able to help him.   can i honestly say I'd choose that simply so i could have warning?

the mother who loses a grown child who has children of their own:  my first thought is selfish.  "they had more time with their child. they are so lucky.  and at least they have grandchildren,  a part of their lost child"  is her loss any less than my own?  sure, i envy the extra years that she had with her child, but she hurts the same as i.

the child who dies in some sort of accident:  unlike me and Nolan, there something or someone to blame,  the driver of another car, the carelessness of the child, mother nature....yet, they too had a sudden unexpected shock, they too went from normal to this hell.  and they may even suffer more guilt than i do.... i feel many "what ifs" about Nolan.  yet, imagine the guilt of the mother who was driving the car which caused the accident or the mother who wasn't paying close attention to her child and something happened.   we are all lost without our child.  who is truly suffering more?

there's the awful circumstance that takes the life of a child, a senseless act of violence, murder:  again, someone to blame...but knowing how scared your child must have been... i don't know if Nolan was scared.  i pray he wasn't.  i hope he died in his sleep.  but a child murdered, gunpoint,what have you, knowing the fear they felt...

we are all suffering the loss of child.   there really is no comparing.  my pain is horrific.  so is the pain of the many other bereaved mothers.   we can't compare our individual suffering with the suffering of anyone else..

besides, what good does that do?