everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be