so many things that will never happen

so my dear sweet husband kind of messed up on my 40th birthday (don't think he even realizes it)... but you know, it was the big 4-0 and i wanted something special... either an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... he got me knives.  yes, i had wanted some nice knives.  so in that respect, he did fine.  but that was more of a 39th bday gift of a 41st.  so... i had thought to myself, i am going to make myself clear that iw ant something special for my 50th.  something big like an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... now that nolan is gone, i honestly don't care.  granted.  that is 7 years from now.  but for one thing, my birthday is nolan's birthday.  that will always take precendence over my day.  so a big 50th bday for me?  or a memorial for nolan who should be turning 20 on that day.... see?  no fiftieth bday for me.

another thing i had really, really hoped to do.... i wanted to redo our marriage vows maybe at 20th anniversary... and i wanted it special.  a party.  all of our friends and family.  our kids up there with us.  our kids.  up there.  as we redo our vows.  and now???? how could i do that and think that it felt right???? a party with our whole family WITHOUT NOLAN?????  how can that happen? 

those are both selfish things... things for ME that i have dreamed of.....  of course, there are all the many, many things that i think of about nolan... things that won't happen.

there's a girl we know through our catholic homeschool group.  for some reason, i just had this thought of "he's going to marry her".... and now???  anytime I see her, when i see her post things of fb, when i hear from her mom about things... right now, not a big deal... but when she actually does get married????? i'm going to be crushed.  

Nolan will never marry. 

Nolan will never have a first kiss.

Nolan will never graduate from high school or college.

Nolan will never get a first job.

Nolan will never drive a car (though he did often sit on daddy's lap & help drive). 

Nolan will never go to Europe (hell, at this rate, neither will I)

Nolan will never be a father. 

It's all so heartbreaking... I can't stand it.