please let there be a Heaven

today was a hard day... I thought about Nolan so much and thought about the thought of never seeing him again on this earth.  it hurts like hell.  and then I thought of never ever seeing him again if there is no Heaven and the thought is unbearable. 

Liam and our dog willie

We found out this week that our dog Willie has an enlarged heart.  His heart is about 3 times the normal size and is pretty much taking up all the space inside his little body.  His lungs are crowded.  That's the reason for his cough, which is what prompted us to take him into the vet.  We took him to Crest Animal Hospital and I really liked the dr.  We have started him on some meds that may help, may lengthen his life, may improve his breathing.  Essentially the prognosis is not good though.  His little big heart could stop at anytime without warning.  Sounds kind of like Nolan, huh? 

When I told Liam and Logan the news, they both immediately started bawling.  I hugged both of them on the sofa and cried with them.  All I could think was why do they have to go through something like this so soon after losing Nolan? 

Liam is so scared that he is going to be the one to find Willie dead.  I kind of wish I hadn't told them, but I also felt like I had to be honest with them.  Willie could live another year, but he could die tomorrow.  We just don't know.   And besides, Ciara was with me at the Vet & so she knew what the prognosis was.  So I couldn't keep it a secret.  But now the kids live in fear of Willie dying, especially Liam.  I understand.  He found Nolan.  That was horrible.  Finding Willie won't be quite as horrible because a) we have warning and b) it's our dog, not our brother/son.  Yes, we love our pets... but I'd trade Willie for Nolan in a heartbeat, of course....  

I hope that I'm the one who finds Willie.  Or it would be ok if Patrick did.  But I just hope it is one of us, not the kids.  They have had so much trauma this year that they just deserve that one little thing, don't they?  And I hope that Willie stays with us for awhile longer... I read something online about a dog with an enlarged heart who lived another year and a half after finding out.  So it's possible he will. 

Losing a pet is supposed to be a child's first dealing with death....  I just think it will be even harder for them now.  

On the upside, we said to them just think how happy Nolan will be to see Willie in Heaven.  And how happy Willie will be to see Nolan.  And for all you freaks out there who say animals don't go to heaven, I'm sticking out my tongue at you.  Because seriously, God created these beautiful sweet creatures.  Perhaps they don't have "souls"... I don't know.  i'm not going to argue theology with you.   You won't convince me otherwise.  If there is a Heaven, then animals are a part of it. 

the fear of forgetting

will I ever forget my son Nolan?  of course not.  but I do fear forgetting... forgetting the little things.  forgetting day to day life with my 5 beautiful children.  forgetting Nolan being the biggest boy, the big helper, the eldest.... my first born son.  oh Nolan.  how I love you and miss you.  how can it be true?  how can you be gone????????  it's so freaking insane.  and yes, I wanted to type the other F word.  that's how messed up my world is that lately I find myself using the f word.  usually in my head and not aloud (thankfully, at this point).    but still, that is NOT me....  but it's so extreme just how awful it is. 

so forgetting you Nolan.  that's my fear. 

we hAVE to move on.  we have to exist without you.  therefore, even though it SUCKS big time, I have to get up and get everyone ready for the day WITHOUT YOU.  I have to teach school WITHOUT YOU.  I have to drive to co-op IWTHOUT YOU.  I have to watch soccer WITHOUT YOU. 

and so, I have to adjust.

I don't want to.

but I have to.  sometimes I am "living" life with the other kids.  and suddenly I realize I havent' thought of you for 5 minutes. 

here's the thing.  even when i'm not thinking of you, your absence has now become part of my very essense, my being.  so even when you are not at the forefront of my mind, every thing I do is affected by you. 

will I forget you? 

never.

but I have always complained about my crappy-ass memory (since becoming a mom... when I was a kid I was straight a's and "gifted")

so I forget stuff.  the only thing I want to forget is finding you dead.  I want to forget that morning.  the worst morning of my life.  however, i'm forgetting stuff. 

why can't I get a sign?  so many people get signs?  why can't I?  why?

more on everyone being scared

I was just thinking about my children.... I pray, pray, pray that they are strong as they grow up and that this doesn't screw them up.  I was thinking how much I feel like escaping now.  I wonder about how hard it is for them to sleep at night.  I wonder if one of them or all of them will turn to drugs or alcohol to make it "easier" when they are alone at night and can't sleep... that scares me too.  I don't understand why God had to let this happen.  I just don't see how any good can come from such a tragedy.  We've all lost so much and I just look at all that can go wrong from here.... How can that be part of a plan? 

we are all scared.

tonight, just a few minutes ago actually, instead of saying "goodnight, I love you mom" ((like he usually does and he did earlier)) Liam said "i'll see you tomorrow mom"....  it's like we are all trying to convince ourselves.  Ciara says that too a lot at bedtime.  It's scary as heck as for me.  So I think of what must be going through the minds of the kids.  They don't talk about being scared.  But I know they must be.   Just realized on vacation that Logan is checking everyone to make sure they are breathing.

Our dog is sick.  We aren't sure what's wrong.  Going to the vet tomorrow.  Liam and Logan both started to cry tonight when I talked to them about the possibility of having to put willie to sleep.  I just wanted them to be warned. 

A pet's death is the first death a child should have to handle... not a sibling.  But now, I don't want them to have to deal with a pet dying either. 

7 months

7 months ago.... my family was complete.  Nolan was alive. 
He had just celebrated his 13th birthday.  We had just celebrated our birthdays together for the last time.  (he was born on my birthday)  We were passing around a bug and hoping we'd all feel ok on Christmas because we were hosting for the first time. 
7 months ago, Nolan bought me a starbucks for my birthday for the last time.... I wasn't feeling too great, but I drank most of it.   He also gave me a book of coupons such as "will wash dishes"  "will watch ella" and my favorite "hugs and kisses every second".....
7 months ago, I had no idea my life would be turned inside out in just a few days....  I was the happiest I would ever be and I had no idea.
Appreciate what you have people because you just do not know how long you will have it. 

sometimes....

i just think to myself, if God really cares or listens, then why is HE letting the devil win right now?  I mean, I do NOT feel like praying.  i'm so angry.  I have thoughts that I shouldn't, irresponsible, run away from responsibility, not holy thoughts.  why?  I WANT to do what is right?  I want to be close to God!  Then why, why, why if God listens or cares, does he just let me fall farther away from HIM????? 

Liam and symptoms

Liam has been feeling weird tonight...now I'm scared.  Should we take the kids to the Dr every time they feel weird?

Your Face

So many people have said to me "aren't you glad you have taken so many pictures?" and yes, yes, yes, I am so thankful for that one little thing.  I surround myself with your face.  You are my screensaver on my phone.  You are my profile and cover pic on my facebook.  You are my login pic on my computer.  There are pictures in the house.  Hanging, in books, in the kitchen right by the sink.  Your face is everywhere.  I'm thankful I have that.

I'd so much rather have you.  I'd so much rather see your face break into a smile, laugh, even cry... your face, alive. 

scared

some nights I just go to bed scared... scared that i'm going to wake up to another child dead in bed.  I hate it.  I second guess everything.  my kids complain about some minor tummy ache, chest thing, headache, leg ache.... I worry.  because I didnt' worry enough with Nolan.  but then, I think, they are fine.  but Nolan was fine.  see...  it's awful.  everything about this is awful.  everything.  even when I feel decent and laugh, that's awful.  I shouldn't laugh.  I shouldn't feel decent, even for a moment.  tonight is a scared night.... i'm so scared.  in addition to my immense sadness, i'm just so scared.

Vacation

Florida, beautiful Florida, without Nolan... Not right, whatsoever. 

Our first big family vacation without Nolan.  The really crappy thing??? It was actually a nice vacation.  The weather was perfect.  We stayed in the best place ever (pool a few feet away, beach just a few more feet away).  Good food, good adult beverages.  Everything you could want on a vacation:  except Nolan. 

That's a very big "except" isn't it?  I mean, I would take the world's worst vacation to have Nolan.  I would take never, ever, ever having a vacation again to have Nolan.... I would take living in a jail cell alone the rest of my life if it meant Nolan were alive and thriving out here with everyone else....

He will never take another family vacation with us, ever.  That sucks beyond belief. 

I spent so much time on vacation reliving this nightmare.  I spent so many moments of solitude thinking of how I could have saved Nolan, how I should have known something was wrong. That morning kept replaying itself in my head during vacation... More than usual.  I keep grasping at that conversation with Nolan where he said something was bugging him that night when I asked him to do the dishes... and I can't quite hear it, was it his stomach?  his chest?  I keep thinking about that.  That moment.  That moment when if he had said his chest hurt & I had taken it seriously.... Why couldn't his heart have stopped when we were all awake?  We could have taken him to the hospital.  They could have saved him.  I should have saved him. 

So that's vacation for me.... beautiful sunshine, watching my other children having fun, all the while in my head blaming myself for my beautiful Nolan's death...  and that will be my life until the day I die. 

back to reality

Vacation is over..... our first real vacation without him..... it's so hard.  Today all I could think of was him as we drove...how I should have known something was wrong

angry

i'm so angry.  I am mad at God.  I'm mad at myself.  That's really it.  God and me.  More God than me... I do NOT understand how He could let this happen.  Bad things happen all the time.  I have always questioned them.  There have been people that my family has prayed and prayed and prayed for that have died.

 Glenn Wright, father of 5, I think, maybe 6, was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago, right after he lost his job & lost his insurance!!!!  The whole thing sucked!  One of his 5 kids was a fairly new baby... He had soooo many people praying for him.  But he died. 

Natalie, sweet 4 year old neice of my friend Stephanie... Found out she had a brain tumor, I think in April of 2012.  So many people praying.  She died in September or October.  Can't remember which now.   Why???

There have been so many others.  Innocents, fathers, mothers....

Never does death make sense when it is a child.  I have heard so many horrible stories and always think "why"... but honestly, I feel like Nolan's death makes sense less than any of them... How does a 13 year old boy go to bed "healthy" and die in his sleep????? I know now that he wasn't technically "healthy", he had a virus that attacked his heart.  Well, then why didn't he have severe symptoms that we could have treated???? Why God???? Why?????   How can YOU let that happen?  If you are the creator of our world, if YOU listen to prayers, if you care about us lowly humans, then HOW can you let something so awful and senseless happen?????  I'm angry, angry, angry!!!!!!!!!  

If God truly listened to our prayers, then why is my prayer of more than 13 years of keeping Nolan healthy & safe ignored????

All this crap about things happening for a reason... yeah, right... whatever.  There's NO reason for this.  Nothing could make any sense from this.  Nothing.  The pain that this has caused my family.  The loss of the the entire world of such a wonderful person as Nolan.  No sense.  He was just such a special, special kid with so much to offer the world!!!!!!  He played outside all day!!!!  He ate a lot of food!  He acted FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How?  Why?  WHY??????? 

I'm angry.  And I just wonder how I can ever feel a trust for God again.  Or Love.  I don't feel any love for God right now.  I'm just too filled with anger. 

sweet Logan

Today, we were driving down the highway.  As usual, Logan was pointing out every car..(there's a mustang!  There's a Toyota, Nissan convertible, charger!!!)..he loves, loves cars.   Logan says "I don't know what Nolan's favorite car was"..... my first words were, oh I don't know if he had one (as I rubbed Logan's arm).  Then I said, actually, he loved batman' s car, that was his favorite.   I'm glad I could give him that thought about his big brother....  he really seems to grasp for a connection with him.  I'm so sorry he had to lose him.  I wish he'd get a visit/ vision from him.