Conversations with Ella, July 22, 2014 Edition

This was originally published by me on Bubblews, July 2014.

This evening after divvying up the rest of the ice cream between the children, I held my three-year old daughter on my lap. We had the following conversation as she ate her vanilla ice cream.

Ella: Is it ok that we ate all of the ice cream?
Me: Sure! That's why I bought the big container because we have a big family.
Ella: There's six of us, right?
Me: No, there's seven.
Ella: But... One... Two...
Me (interrupting her): We have seven because we always include Nolan. Even if Nolan isn't eating ice cream with us, we have to count him.
Ella: Nolan IS eating ice cream! He's eating it in Heaven!
Me: You are right Ella, he is. What kinds of flavors do you think they have in Heaven?
Ella: The same as we have.

Photo Credit: My own
+Motherhood +Conversations-with-ella +Grief +Grieving-mother

Jealousy is Ugly

yet another story being shared of a child who we are praying for who is getting better. 

it's not that I don't want that child to get better.

I do.

I just don't understand why we couldn't get a miracle.  I don't understand why we didn't even have a chance.  My son died in his sleep with no warning.  How the hell is that fair?

More Links to Bubbles about you

http://www.bubblews.com/news/9765117-grieving-in-the-days-of-online-social-networks
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9760006-strength
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9759907-i039m-not-visiting-the-cemetery-today
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9757984-potato-soup-and-fear
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9757469-two-years-ago
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9751746-a-birthday-party

Joyous Grief?

How do you put the two together?  Joy and grief?  How? 

Grief often feels like it is swallowing me whole. 

I've talked about the physical feelings of it.  It often feels like I am drowning. 

I miss my son so much.

Yet....

He's not my only child.  I have four other children who do bring me joy. 

I smiled today as I watched the youngest run down the hall nearly naked because she needed to reach the bathroom.    Seeing her chubby little legs moving like that brings me joy. 

My eight year old son is still so young and sweet and innocent.  His voice still has that childish quality that makes me melt inside when he says I Love You.  He brings me joy when he snuggles next to me on the sofa.

Then there's the eleven-year old daughter who loves to be helpful.  And you can tell just how much she still needs her momma and daddy.  Her smile brings me joy.

Of course, there is sometimes discord between the thirteen year old son and myself, but I love him.  He is fun to sit and talk to as he grows up.  He still likes to snuggle in next to me on the couch.  He brings me joy.

But I am sad.  I have a hard time rectifying the two. 

I do put myself in the here and now most of the time.  Then I feel guilty because sometimes I push Nolan's image out of my head.  I am sad when I look at him.  I miss him, I want to look at him. 

It's not easy.

And it's not right.

A mother should not bury her child ever.  The child should bury the mother.  When they are both old!

Thirteen years was not enough time with my son.

He's Officially Older

Today is a day I have dreaded.  Today Liam is officially older than Nolan ever became.  Nolan died 9 days after his 13th birthday, somewhere in the early morning hours.  We don't know the time.  They never told us.  It could have been 12:30am.  It could have been 7:30am.  We don't know.  Would it help if I knew?

Anyway, today is nine days since Liam turned 13. 

He's already bigger than Nolan ever became.  He already has started puberty and I don't think Nolan had.  He was probably close, but he didn't have any body hair.  Liam is covered in hair and has already shaved his teeny mustache a couple times. 

Nolan is frozen in time as my sweet thirteen year old boy. 

He will never grow older.

He will never kiss a girl.

He will never marry.

He will never fall in love.

He will never become a father.

He will never go to a college party.

He will never learn to drive.

He will never go to high school.

He will never wave goodbye to me as he leaves for college.

He will never get a first job.

He will never hug me again.

I miss him so much.  None of this is fair. 

Another Post Titled Thirteen....

Shortly after the loss of my precious son, I wrote a post on here titled Thirteen. 
http://thesorrowful.blogspot.com/2013/02/thirteen.html

It seems impossible that I wrote that nearly two years ago.  How can it be two years since I lost him?   Two years since I kissed him goodnight and watched him walk down the hallway.  The last time to watch him walk down the hallway.

Tonight I wrote a post on my other website about my twelve-year old turning thirteen next week. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9325821-thirteen-isn039t-going-to-be-easy-on-me

And I thought how tough THIRTEEN is for me now. 

And I wonder if it is going through Liam's mind that Nolan died right after he turned 13.  Liam is already a worrier.  Is he worried?  Is he scared?

Why do we have to suffer this nightmare?  I still do not understand.  I don't have the faith to understand. 

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real.  it's been 18 months.  some people might say "get on with your life!"  and they do not know.  they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again.  my life as I knew it is over.  this is a new worse life.  that's the fact jack.  it's worse.  I hate that.  I hate it for my other children.  but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare.  how can this be true?  how can something so horrible be true?

 I worry about my other children.  I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older.  I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.

This is my silent scream

because you know I need to scream

inside I yell always

I tell myself that I HAVE THE WORST STORY OF EVERYONE!!!!!!! MY LOSS IS THE WORST.

outside I know that all of our losses are horrible

but i'm selfish

I only care about my loss of my sweet Nolan

he should be here and I am silently screaming at all times

yes, it has been 18 months and for those of you who do not have a heart, let me tell you that IT HURTS JUST AS MUCH TODAY!!!!!!!

this is hell

Life Goes On and it Sucks

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3515116-life-goes-on

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

The Day my World Stopped

December 31, 2012, my world stopped.  Everyone else just kept going, some of them sad, but their world was still moving, going. 

It has been 16 months, I think.  Funny how time has become so confusing to me.  I think I'm calculating this nightmare correctly.  16 months since my beautiful son died.  16 months since my world changed forever. 

My world is still stopped. 

I now have two lives.  One before Nolan's death when life was good and normal and happy and filled with ordinary pain and suffering and stress and things.  And the second life is post 12/31/12.  Post-Nolan.  How is it I lived 30 years without him before his birth, but living without him the past 16 months is unbearable.  Post-Nolan life is confusing, vague, nightmarish, void, bitter, painful. 

Sometimes it hurts to look at your face

how is that possible?  but sometimes looking at pictures of you gets my heart hurting, my soul crying, my brain aching.  I look at those beautiful images and realize that is ALL that I have left.  I look at the ones from just days before your death and I think WHY DIDN'T I KNOW SOMETHING WAS WRONG????   now that I see them, you look so skinny.  of course, we had all been fighting a bug.  I didn't know such a horrible virus could kill my son. 
even though it hurts, I will never stop looking at your face though.  I need to see you as much as I am able.

Signs???

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3044472-i039ve-stopped-looking-for-signs

Thoughts that Won't Go Away

I often think of Nolan's last breath.  Why?  Why do I have to wonder what it was like?  I wonder if it was completely peaceful.  I wonder if there was a sound of his last breath escaping as his heart simply stopped.  I wonder if I had been lying next to him, would I have heard anything unusual?  Did he feel anything?  Did he feel pain?  Did a sharp pain awaken him long enough to scare him before he died?  Did he know he was dying? 

Was he having a dream when he died?  How did he feel when he lay down that night? 

Is he now in Heaven?  Is there a Heaven?  Will I ever get to see him again?  Is Heaven a myth? 

If he is alive in spirit, why can't I get a sign?  Why do some people have visions or visitations from spirits (if it is real) and I don't?  Why?

My sweet boy.  My sweet, sweet boy.  Why do I have to ask myself these questions?  It's not fair. 

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

The Carefree Past

I was looking through my old photos on Facebook this evening.  I was struck by the days when my profile picture was of either just me or me and one of the other kids or the other kids or just one of the other kids.  Rarely now will I have a profile pic that does not include my sweet Nolan.  I feel like he needs to be seen by people.  I don't want people to forget him..... He's such a part of me.  I don't know.  just looking at those pictures reminded me of the past.  back, way way way back when I was carefree.  of even just back, shortly before Nolan's death, when I had the normal worries in adult life of how to pay bills, school for the kids, etc.  I wish I could go back.

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years

14 Year olds Make Me Sad

14 year olds make me sad.  Whether they are friends of Nolan's or not, I see that someone is turning 14 and I am sad.  Hearing talk of kids starting high school makes me sad.  Nolan would be starting high school next year.  It makes me sad. 

I'm jealous and I'm angry

I'm angry at God.  Tonight at dinner, the kids were talking about how I'm mad at each of them the most.  What I mean by that is that Liam thinks I'm mad at Liam the most, Ciara thinks I'm mad at her the most, Logan thinks I'm mad at Logan the most, and so on.   Then I said something like, "oh, I'm mad at everyone."  And Liam say "oh, are you mad at God?" and I said "well, yes, I'm maddest at him."  And Liam says "why?"  and I said "why do you think?  because Nolan died."  And yes, I'm mad.  It's been 14 months and the anger has not subsided.  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm unforgiving.

I'm also jealous.  I see large, beautiful families.  My family of seven was right on the cusp of being considered a "big" family.... Now, with only 6 of us living, we are small.  I see the large families, the grown children surrounding their mothers.  I'm jealous.  We are small.

I have heard friends (and strangers) talk of their children starting high school next year.  Nolan should be starting high school next year.  I'm jealous and I'm angry.