The Grief Chronicles: 1123

I just wrote this on my other blog
https://thegriefchronicles.wordpress.com/2016/01/29/1123-days/

The Birth of My Son

originally published on bubblews in December 2013

December.... Traditionally, December is my favorite time of year. It always has been. Not only is it Christmas, but it is my birthday. Then, along came Nolan in 1999 and even more reasons to love it. With 2010 came the birth of my daughter ella, so December has always been special to me.

My eldest child, Nolan, my first-born, had a due date of late January. As a first time pregnant mom, I worried very little. People are pregnant and give birth every day. So when I went into the doctor for my check-up on December 21, 1999, I had no fear. I had borderline high blood pressure the last couple weeks. However, I wasn't worried. When the doctor measured me and noted that I hadn't grown in 2 weeks, I was not worried. When she sent me over to have an ultrasound, I still felt no fear.

As the ultrasound techs started noting things and talking quietly, I began to think something might be wrong. I called my husband and said you might want to join me at the dr office. By the time he arrived, they told me "you are having a baby tonight"... They proceeded to tell us that our child looked to be only 2 pounds or so. He was approximately 6 weeks early. We were scared.

Around 10pm, the medical team started me on pitocen to try to start labor. After about an hour, they realized that my sweet child's heart rate was dropping every time there was a contraction. The consensus was that his small body could not handle labor. The decision was made to prep for a C-section. At this point, it was near midnight, it was near my birthday, my 30th birthday. As they prepared for delivering my first child, I realized it would be on my birthday.

Shortly after midnight, I heard my son's first cry. It was an amazing, scary sound. My husband and I both burst into tears. We were already in love with this child more than words could ever say.

He weighed in at 3 pounds 12 ounces. He was small, but healthy. He only stayed in the hospital for 9 days. They sent us home with our precious son on New Year's Eve 1999.

13 years later, New Year's Eve 2012, our son was dead in his bed from a virus to his heart.

13 years we had with this beautiful child.

13 years were not enough.

I miss him immensely.

I want him back

Life is Not Fair this Christmas

I love the holidays.  I still do.  Even after THIS.  I still love this time of year. 

But I'm sad.

Christmas music has always made me cry because of it's emotional sounds and words.  Now I can't make it through the first line of some songs without tears. 

Christmas shopping has always been a pleasure for me.  I love to splurge on my kids this time of year.  Even before having m own children, I looked forward to spoiling my nieces and nephew. 

Now, as I walk the aisle of my favorite stores it will hit me out of nowhere that I should be buying gifts for Nolan. 

Today has been a rough day with many bouts of crying and shouting at God. 

This will never, ever, ever seem fair. 

He's Officially Older

Today is a day I have dreaded.  Today Liam is officially older than Nolan ever became.  Nolan died 9 days after his 13th birthday, somewhere in the early morning hours.  We don't know the time.  They never told us.  It could have been 12:30am.  It could have been 7:30am.  We don't know.  Would it help if I knew?

Anyway, today is nine days since Liam turned 13. 

He's already bigger than Nolan ever became.  He already has started puberty and I don't think Nolan had.  He was probably close, but he didn't have any body hair.  Liam is covered in hair and has already shaved his teeny mustache a couple times. 

Nolan is frozen in time as my sweet thirteen year old boy. 

He will never grow older.

He will never kiss a girl.

He will never marry.

He will never fall in love.

He will never become a father.

He will never go to a college party.

He will never learn to drive.

He will never go to high school.

He will never wave goodbye to me as he leaves for college.

He will never get a first job.

He will never hug me again.

I miss him so much.  None of this is fair. 

The Second Thanksgiving, But Another First

Next week will be my second Thanksgiving without my son.  Nolan loved Thanksgiving because he loved to see his family.  He loved to have the big turkey leg.  He loved mashed potatoes and dinner rolls and pumpkin pie.  Grandma always made plenty of pumpkin pie because she knew how much he loved it. 

Most of our Thanksgivings since becoming parents have been at my sister's home.  Last year, for some reason, it was at my mom's house instead.  I'm unsure if it was in attempt to lessen our sorrow or what by making it different. 

This year it returns to my sister's house.  Not only will it be the first Thanksgiving at her house since Nolan's death, it will be my first time PERIOD at her house since his death.  All I will think of is his presence and how it is missing. 

Why does he have to be gone? 

Why?

THANKSGIVING 2012

THANKSGIVING 2011

GRANDMA'S HOUSE

This is my place to cry

This blog is where I vent, scream, cry, yell, whine, scream, cry, scream, cry....

I don't write my happy thoughts here. 

I write about how I see a picture of Nolan and I cannot believe that is all I have left.  I write about the ache I feel inside and how it isn't any better.

I have another place I write where I try to share happier thoughts.  This is where I show my sorrow.  I put on a "happy" face for the world and at times it is truly exhausting.  so I come here where I can take off the mask.  I take it off and I cry, scream, vent. 

Nolan's death is the most unbelievable, horrifying, cruel thing that could have ever happened. 

And I am still in a living hell because of it. 

observations

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3691890-more-observations-of-a-grieving-mother

Another MOthers' Day without You

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3317255-mothers039-day-random-thoughts

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

Talking about Nolan

Any conversation that I have that allows me to talk about Nolan is a gift.  I do not care if I cry.  That's fine.  I want to cry.  Talking about him, about what he was like, about the things he did, my memories... that's comfort to me.  I have always joked that I have an awful memory due to all the partying I did in my youth.  Well, now that I have lost my son, it's not that funny of a joke.  I'm scared of forgetting things.  And I will, I have already.  I had already forgotten things about all the children over the past 14 years before this happened.   I wish people would share memories of him.  A friend on the Catholic loop sent out a message to our group asking people to share any stories they had of him, she shared one.  No one else did.  That made me sad.  (deja vu feeling here, I may have already mentioned that in a previous post).   I just need things like that.  Anything to grasp onto of his to help me through this nightmare.   

we've just lost that something....

since Nolan died, we just have lost whatever it was that we used to do right. 

we used to spend more time together, talking, playing games, even just watching movies together.  now, we are all apart.  we don't play games.  the kids fight.  I know kids fight.  but it is just like losing Nolan really messed up our family.  seriously.  I feel like we will always be screwed up now.  dysfunctional.

I can't cry....

I need to ask the doctor if that is an effect of the medicine that I am taking.  Because, seriously, I haven't been crying.  I feel like crying.  But I'm not crying.  Perhaps that's ok for the short-term.... get me through this tough holiday season.... because prior to taking the meds, right as the holidays started, I was a basket case and could not stop crying.  I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.  So maybe it's ok.  but crying often helps relieve me.  and hell, Nolan is my son, I want to cry about him.  I mean, well, I want to hug him and have him here.  I want that day from nearly a year ago to be a dream.  I want to wake up.  but if it has to be real, then I want to cry about him.  I feel like i'm not honoring him lately.  I keep my mind as busy as I can.... I don't think of him nearly enough.  oh Nolan.  how can you be gone?

myocarditis

what happened to Nolan is not as rare as it sounds and not as rare as it should be.  I recently joined a facebook group devoted to myocarditis.  it is so scary how often this happens.  sometimes people survive.  somehow they figure out something is wrong before it is too late.  but most of the stories I have read have been almost identical to Nolan's.  so many parents had no warning, just like me. 

I go to bed scared every night.  scared of my children, my spouse, myself dying... and now I see it's not so farfetched.  I met a woman on this group who had two children get myocarditis and one died and the other had a heart transplant....  TWO CHILDREN IN THE SAME FAMILY HAD IT!!!!    yes, i'm scared.  it makes me want to become like Monk from that tv show and make the kids crazy about washing their hands and germs....  I've always been so laid back about illness because I've always been told that it helps to develop immunity if they catch what is going around.... the ones who are sanitizing everything aren't building that immunity.  geesh.  I just dont' know if I can change to that person.  but I need to. 

Nolan's wasn't for sure viral.  but it was myocarditis.  and it can be various things.  but my dr did seem to think since we had been sick that it was probably viral.  it just hit him differently.  everyone I know was hit hard by bugs this year.... It was one of those years.... yet no one else had a child die because of it....

i'm scared.  and I don't know how I will ever rest easy again.