grandparents and grief

Grandparents are suffering in a very unique way after losing their grandchild.  I never gave it much thought before this tragedy happened to our family.  Not only did they lose their grandchild that they love probably very nearly as much as the parents do, but they have actually "lost" their own child in a way.... Their child will never be the same.    So grandparents actually are suffering from two separate losses after the loss of a grandchild.

I think about my parents.  I know how deeply they love Nolan (notice I say LOVE, not loved).  Of course, their love isn't quite the same as Patrick and I have for our son, but it is a deep love nonetheless.  And of course, they haven't lost their day to day existence like we have.  But it is a very, very deep loss.

And then, me, their baby.  They are worried about me (and Patrick) and they know down deep that I will never be the same.  I just won't.  They have lost the person that I once was.  That person is gone forever.  That doesn't mean that someday I won't be "happy" again.  However, sorrow is now a part of me. 

My mom cries a lot now.  It's understandable.  I cry a lot too.  Patrick cries a lot.  We are suffering, we all are.  But grandparents don't get quite as much understanding and sympathy.  Sure they do at first.  Everyone understands how horrible our loss is.  But, I think, people think that a grandparent can just move on more quickly.  My mom mentioned on a grief support group that she has friends who already no longer act like they want to talk to her because she is so sad.  That makes me sad.  So far I don't have any friends avoiding me (like you hear about in all these grief sites and books).  I think because our loss was so horrific and sudden and unexpected and just a blindsided mess that people are still feeling so strongly for our family.  I do expect though, in the future, there may be some friends who just don't know what to say to me anymore.  I understand.  I know people don't know what to say now.  What can you say when someone has suffered such a loss? 

I feel so much more sympathy now though for all grandparents.  I feel sympathy for my own mom for the loss of my son.  sounds weird, huh?  but i know she is suffering.  I just hope that her friends are understanding and supportive of her.  She needs them.  My dad is a little more stoic, keeps his emotions in check, he doesn't like her to cry all the time.  He has cried plenty of times over Nolan's death.  He adores him.  But he keeps it under control more because that is just the way my dad is.  Hopefully, he understands though that my mom needs to cry because that is just the way my mom is. 

So if you know any grandparents who have lost a grandchild, keep them in your prayers.  support them in a special way.  They need it.