I can't remember exactly when, but Nolan did complain of a chest pain probably a few weeks before he died. Actually, I think on two occasions (not close together). I asked him if it was his asthma, he said he didn't know. i said, well try your inhaler. He did. And he didnt' complain again. My kids have always been worriers. So I always tried to make them not worry. I tried to make any concern of theirs seem like nothing to worry about to them. So they wouldn't worry. (i know I wrote about this before). And yes, when my kiddo tells me his chest hurts, I worry. i worried when he told me. yet, he never mentioned it again after he did his inhaler. I'm a worrier too, a bit of a hypochondriac actually. So my thoughts did go to a bad place when he said his chest hurt... but then, he didn't complain again. So I thought "whew"... why did I not check it out? what if?
Nolan almost slept with us that night, which was unusual. He said he was going to. I said "ok" but he knew i was never thrilled when he asked because, let's face it, he was getting big. He took a lot of space in the bed. but I did say "ok" thankfully... but then, he changed his mind. And I thought "whew"... why did I think "whew"??? I shoudl have said, "oh come on Nolan! Why don't you sleep with us?!" because seriously, our kids grow up too fast period. And I should have thought that, I should have thought "thank God, I have a beautiful 13 year old son who for some reason feels like sleepign with his mom and dad tonight!"... but I didn't, I thought "whew, he changed his mind, now I will have space"... What if?
What if he gasped in his sleep, clutched his chest in pain, called out? We could have called 911. We could have saved him.
I always slept before with my bedroom door shut at least the first part of the night. Not sure why. And Nolan usually slept with his door shut until everyone went to bed. We didn't open his door that night when we went to bed. I didn't sleep with my door open. What if he asked for help? What if I didn't hear him? I now sleep with my door open & make sure the doors are all open at bedtime. Why didn't I make sure that night? What if?
We slept late that horrible day. We were up late the night before & we slept in until around 9am I think. What if this happened at 7am? Why couldn't I be an early riser? What if I had been awake & up and at 'em like lots of morning moms are? If I had been awake early, I may have heard him make a noise. I could have saved him. I could have called 911. What if??????????
We still dont' know if the problem with his heart is from genetics or from a virus. We were fighting bugs from about Thanksgiving through Christmas. Nolan had two different really bad bugs in late November/early December. One was a fever, feel crappy bug (not the flu, he was tested at the dr) and the other was a vomit thing that we all had. He threw up 17 times from bedtime until morning... From then on, we all just seemed to not feel great off and on all the way until after Christmas Day... If Nolan had some virus that went to his heart, all the symptoms were things that he may have felt. But any feeling icky, we all just thought was fighting these normal bugs. I look at some pictures from December & he looks a little pale (it's winter, we all look pale) and even thinner than usual. He was acting normal. Running, playing, rough housing, laughing, living life.... But it is possible that a horrible virus had went to his heart. These things can be cured. If he had been the only one feeling icky, I would have had him checked out maybe???? What if? What if this hadn't hit us during the cold/flu season & I had noticed it more. What if?
Liam, Logan, and Ciara slept in the living room on December 30th. We stayed up late watching tv, it's the holidays after all. Liam usually shared the room with Nolan. Liam is a very sound sleeper. So most likely, he would not have heard anything unusual. but who knows, maybe he would have. We don't know what Nolan did. We will never know. What if Liam had been there? What if?
December 30th, 2012, the last day I shared with my beautiful son Nolan... I was a grouch that day. I had started my period the night before. I was exhausted. I actually took a long nap with Ella that afternoon, which is very rare. I was wiped out and cranky. I layed in bed probably 3 hours that day with her. Again, UNUSUAL! What if I had spent some quality time with him that day? What if I had paid close attention and noticed something wasn't right? He played outdoors most of the afternoon with his air soft gun. He obviously had the energy to do that. And that evening at home, he ate normally, in fact ate a lot. So there may have been nothing to notice that afternoon. But still, I regret spending that afternoon napping with ella. Even if it just meant that I would have spent more time with Nolan before losing him. What if?
The evening of December 30th, Nolan was supposed to do dishes. Occasionally, Nolan would say he didn't feel well if it was his turn to do dishes or if we were having something to eat that he didn't like (oh do i remember the meatloaf episodes when he was little!)... When I said it was time for him to do dishes, he said something hurt... I can't remember now what it was.... I'm not sure why. But I THINK it was his tummy... I chalked it up to him not wanting to do dishes. I said 'well, it's a good thing there aren't very many dishes then!" and made him do them.... he still spent the evening hanging with us. and didn't complain about his tummy again. and honestly, a tummy ache isn't something I usually run to the dr for. But still, I can't help but think "what if?"
My life has changed forever. The world isn't quite as beautiful as it was just a little over 3 months ago. It just isn't. And it never will be for me again. That doesn't mean I don't see the beauty of my other children. And I pray to someday see beauty in their children. But it just isn't as beautiful. How can it be without my beautiful son? how?
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