More Links to Bubbles about you

http://www.bubblews.com/news/9765117-grieving-in-the-days-of-online-social-networks
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9760006-strength
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9759907-i039m-not-visiting-the-cemetery-today
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9757984-potato-soup-and-fear
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9757469-two-years-ago
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9751746-a-birthday-party

A Prayer

Please God, Sickness now frightens me.  And it's not a normal fear.  It's irrational, yet very rational because I know what the sickness can do.  But please, please, please.  I beg of you.  Let the sickness pass us by this year.  Help me to be better about keeping my kids away from germs.  Please.  And if we do have to get sick, please let it not kill us again. 
Please.

Those Days

Today is one of those days, a day where it is worse than usual.  Every day is bad when you lose your child.  Anyone who doesn't get that has either never had a child or something else.   I'm not saying every MOMENT is bad, but every day.  Every day is a day that you do not see your child, talk to your child, hear your child.  How could that be good?  Ever. 

Sadness today. 

I just feel rather blah anyway. 

I'm not writing as much about sorrow

It's not that I'm not feeling the sorrow.  I'm just not writing about it as much.  To those who see it on my blogs occasionally, they probably still think "wow, is that all she talks about?"  To me, sometimes I feel like I still have much to say.  Here's a few links to recent things I have written on my other blog.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/8913214-a-mother039s-anxiety
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8821103-praying-when-you-aren039t-sure-what-you-believe
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8631594-visiting-my-son039s-grave
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7835438-i-don039t-know-how-to-be-a-good-mother-anymore
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7823797-before-or-after
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7953982-the-overprotective-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8076169-playlist-for-the-grieving-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8287900-fifteen
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8240402-nolan039s-wish
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8350081-sentimental-for-the-old-days

This is my place to cry

This blog is where I vent, scream, cry, yell, whine, scream, cry, scream, cry....

I don't write my happy thoughts here. 

I write about how I see a picture of Nolan and I cannot believe that is all I have left.  I write about the ache I feel inside and how it isn't any better.

I have another place I write where I try to share happier thoughts.  This is where I show my sorrow.  I put on a "happy" face for the world and at times it is truly exhausting.  so I come here where I can take off the mask.  I take it off and I cry, scream, vent. 

Nolan's death is the most unbelievable, horrifying, cruel thing that could have ever happened. 

And I am still in a living hell because of it. 

unbearable thoughts

I hear story after story of mothers who have lost more than one child.   I fear that happening to me.  I go to bed every night fearful.   I am so scared, not only of losing another child, but of finding anyone else dead.  the thought of that terrifies me.  I don't know how to cope.  the fear is overwhelming. 

why did this have to happen to us?

I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but I just don't understand. 

why?

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

I don't even know what to do

I think Ciara is feeling anxiety which is leading her to feel pressure in her chest.  Add that to asthma and allergies and cold/flu season, I don't think I have anything to worry about.

What if I am wrong?

I had a whole post in my head that I was going to write about and my thoughts have fled.  now i'm consumed with worry for Ciara. 

shit.  why does this have to be so hard?

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

Screw You

Sometimes I feel so angry at the world.  At everyone who is living a normal life.  At everyone whose kids are still alive and growing up.  At everyone who has a 14 year old.   At everyone who has a 13 year old. 

I get angry when I see children advancing in Boy Scouts.

I get angry when I see children getting their drivers' license.

I get angry when I see a 14 year old in a play!

I get angry when I see a friend's child getting married.

I get angry when I see a kid going to the prom.

I get angry when I see life continuing normally for everyone else. 

This is the stuff that scares me

here's a link to info about myocarditis, what killed Nolan.  if you read the symptoms, they are so vague.  how many times have my kids had those very symptoms?  it sucks.  it really sucks that something like this exists!!!!

http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/

sorrow

sometimes it just hits me when I look at your picture how GONE you are.... I start to feel more empty.  there is a constant emptiness since you left us.  but occasionally, I just feel more empty.  does that make sense?

today I was looking at your picture from a saint Patrick's day, probably about 5 years ago or so.  you are so little.  you look so happy.  I look at pictures and suddenly realize the truth in never seeing you again, the truth in never hearing your voice.

my faith is so shattered.  I don't know if I will ever see you again.  I dont' know if there is a heaven.  I just don't. 

then there are those who believe in heaven we will not even remember our earthly life. 

if that's true, then I still won't see you.

my heart is broken.

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years

fear

I've voiced my fear many times on this blog.  Tonight the fear feels fresh. We have a tummy bug.  I fear for everyone, but mostly logan because he has been fighting a different bug for over a week now.  so his immune system is already weakened, his lungs are weak from his asthma, now he has the stomach virus.   but I am scared for all my kids.  I keep checking to see if they are breathing. 

nolan's videos

i was browsing through the photos and videos taken with his camera.  i was NOT surprised to see so many pictures of our pets and ella.  that's what he wanted to take pictures of.  he loved all of his pets.  he loved his baby sister.  anyway... i can't play all the videos on the laptop.  going to try to upload.

falling apart

sometimes I feel like we are falling apart. 

i'm tired and have no energy anymore.  I never read to the kids.  we watch tv too much.

Patrick is tired and grouchy all the time.  part of it is his job.  he works really long hours for not enough pay.  there's no appreciation for him there.  butg I know it boils down to losing Nolan.

there's just such discord in our home.  it never feels "happy" anymore

more grief

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1078998-a-grieving-mother

reality and functioning

so often now I feel like i'm living in a sort of haze... i'll think about things, about Nolan, about what happened, and I feel so disconnected like this is just not real.  I don't know if it is still a sort of shock thing.. I don't know.  or just that it is so horrific. 

and functioning... everything is so hard.  I can't seem to plan ahead for anything.  we are getting ready to go on vacation & just the thought of planning it is overwhelming me... I don't have to do MUCH... just plan our route, get a hotel room for the way down & the way back, pack, make lists, shop for stuff, go buy new tires, etc.  but I get kind of sick to my stomach when I start thinking about it. 

functioning:  school... our school year fell apart.  most everyone gets it & says that is the beauty of homeschooling... but i'm still not really handling it.  i'm sort of thankful that our co-op is changing this year to more of a core subject, two days a week with homework the other days kind of thing simply bcause of my inability to function right now... i'm hoping most everything will be taken care of & I won't allow the kids to fall behind more than they fell behind this winter & spring... but functioning to actually participate, well that stresses me out... I can't even think about buying books, and other stuff....

functioning..... getting the kids on a chore schedule... haven't been doing it.  before Nolan died, Nolan, liam, ciara, and me took turns doing dishes... since my sweet son's death, I have probably made ciara and liam do dishes about 3 times... I could use their help, but i'm just not functioning enough to even get the kids on a good routine... thankfully it's summer.

some people, most probably, who haven't experienced the loss of a child probably just cannot understand why  6 months later I still feel like i'm not functioning properly....  I can hear some of their voices saying "gee jill, it's been six months"  no one gets it.  not unless you've lost a child.  it's unlike any pain or suffering you can imagine...

so my functioning is just doing my best and my best may just not be much at all... but i'm doing what I can...