Saturday, May 3, 2014
I just can't get it together
in my head, I can't help but compare the other kids to Nolan. it's not fair. this is making me a worse mom!!!! I have had so many people tell me how what happened to Nolan has made them a better mom. yet, me, the one who lost my son???? i'm a much worse mom now. i'm angry and sad all the time. I yell. I disappear into myself. this made me a worse mom. how can there be a God when this stuff happens? There is no reason for this. there is no purpose to this. i'm miserable.
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I am so incredibly sad about the intense pain you are going through. I am a mom of 2 young daughters and cannot fathom it. I have had much loss, the most recent being my 31 yr old baby brother this past Christmas Day. His death was by his own hands and it was brutal, ugly, nightmarish and it wasn't even possible to kiss his cheek as I told him I loved him one last time. Most Christians would have me believe he is in Hell, but I know he is in the arms of God. I also know that your precious baby boy is also in the arms of God. I know this because I know God. I have felt His comfort. I have felt His love. I have overcome trials with His care and knowing He is there. I have also been angry at Him and yelled at Him and wondered why I have to go through this. And He has forgiven me and loved me unconditionally. I have been told in one instance that His spirit could not penetrate my anguish until I humbled myself enough to release all of my pain and sorrow to Him. He was waiting to receive it and to comfort me in my sorrow. When I finally let go, He did comfort me. A huge burden of anger, sadness, fear, bitterness lifted off my shoulders and I felt His comforting arms around me. As I continued to turn to Him, I was strengthened and able to help others through their pain and suffering. He is patiently waiting for you to turn to Him and relinquish your suffering and sorrow. All you have to do is turn to Him in prayer. Your precious son is watching you from beyond the veil. He wants you to be happy and to be a joyful mother to the children you have on this earth. They need you. He is happy and safe. He will never have to suffer from the temptations of this world. You have one child who has made it back into The Lord's presence. One child who won't have to struggle with peer pressure, cyber bullies, and everything that plagues our society. Who needs you more than ever are the children who are presently entrusted to your care. They are learning to deal with hardship and grief from your actions and example. They need you to be present in their lives to love and guide them through the challenges that Nolan no longer has to face. You can't fake it because kids are too perceptive. They need to see your strength as a woman, as a mother and as a loving daughter of our Heavenly Father. They don't have the tools or know how to overcome this confusing and painful trial in their sweet, young lives. All they can do is watch you and do what you do. How you handle this will affect them for the rest of their lives. You were chosen to be their mother because you are an incredibly loving and sensitive soul. He chose you to lead them through the maze of life with its confusion, hills and valleys, twists and turns because He trusts you and knows how much you love them and will do everything in your power to teach and protect them and lead them safely back to Him one day. You are truly special. Your heart speaks to mine through your tears, your innermost thoughts, your excruciating regrets. I'm sure your son loves you and would do anything in his power to ease your pain and dry your tears. I know this because of the way you described him and because I have never posted anything anywhere and was truly compelled to post the things I have written. Please know that they come from my heart and that these are not just a bunch of hollow words. I know that Heavenly Father exists and hears and answers our prayers. I know that we can be with our loved ones again in His presence forever. I know that He loves us more than we love our own children, even though I can't comprehend that. I truly believe that all that your son wants is to see you happily living your life, raising his beloved siblings, fulfilling your calling on this earth, letting go of the bitterness and grief that is plaguing you and mentally, spiritually and physically destroying your life and any happiness that you deserve. And you truly do deserve it. I hope you feel my prayer
ReplyDeleteThank you Lori for your comment. It truly means something to me. There is comfort in your words. I hope to some day let go of my anger and feel some hope and some faith again. Right now, I am just in a truly dark place. I miss my son.
DeleteMy heart truly hurts for you. I will be praying that even though your life will never be the same, that you will be able to feel peace and comfort and that he is not so far away. My mother prayed day and night that my brother would be permitted to visit her one last time so that she could tell him she loved him again. Heavenly Father answered her prayers as he did come to her as she sat in a very spiritual place. She felt a kind of warm breeze go through her body and felt his hand touch her face. She knew it was him and she told him how much she loved him and how very much she missed him. And then he was gone soon after. It has really helped her, even though she will also miss her baby until she is with him again. A similar experience happened to me. My best friend's mom was only 50 when she passed away after a 6 month battle with a rare, horrific type of breast cancer. I loved her so much and she and I were spiritually connected as she was also a free spirit. A couple of hours after she passed, my friend invited me to come into her room to look at her mementos and talk about her life. As we were standing there looking at a trinket on her dresser, I felt her hug me tightly from behind--so much so that I audibly gasped as I strongly felt her loving presence. I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that she had to go through that extremely painful, disturbing illness that eventually took her life. I was so grateful for that love filled hug. I think about it and her very full and exciting, spontaneous life all of the time. It feels odd to me to share such personal experiences on a blog, but if it helps your heart to heal in any way, I will be happy. I know if you prayed to see him or talk to him one last time that your prayers will be answered. God is a merciful God. He feels our pain just as we feel our childrens' pain. I have faith that the day will come when the storm will subside and bright rays of sunlight will stream down and lift you up. The stages of grief take time and you have to feel the pain to work through it so that you can have some happiness again. You will get through this. Please try to trust God to help you through this unthinkable trial. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be. I just know that throughout my life, I was never able to heal when I turned away from Him. The healing began when I was able to realize that I couldn't do it on my own. I really will be thinking and praying for you and your family. Much love coming your way.
DeleteThank you Lori for your words and for sharing your experiences. I have asked God to give me a sign so many times. I wish that I could have one. Something like you experienced, and your mom. It would help. I will always miss him, but then, perhaps, I would feel hopeful again.
DeleteI have to tell you that my husband's birthday is the same day as your son's birthday is. I 'm also a homeschool mom. Amazing. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers morning and night.
ReplyDeleteMy son was born on my birthday.
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