Our first big family vacation without Nolan. The really crappy thing??? It was actually a nice vacation. The weather was perfect. We stayed in the best place ever (pool a few feet away, beach just a few more feet away). Good food, good adult beverages. Everything you could want on a vacation: except Nolan.
That's a very big "except" isn't it? I mean, I would take the world's worst vacation to have Nolan. I would take never, ever, ever having a vacation again to have Nolan.... I would take living in a jail cell alone the rest of my life if it meant Nolan were alive and thriving out here with everyone else....
He will never take another family vacation with us, ever. That sucks beyond belief.
I spent so much time on vacation reliving this nightmare. I spent so many moments of solitude thinking of how I could have saved Nolan, how I should have known something was wrong. That morning kept replaying itself in my head during vacation... More than usual. I keep grasping at that conversation with Nolan where he said something was bugging him that night when I asked him to do the dishes... and I can't quite hear it, was it his stomach? his chest? I keep thinking about that. That moment. That moment when if he had said his chest hurt & I had taken it seriously.... Why couldn't his heart have stopped when we were all awake? We could have taken him to the hospital. They could have saved him. I should have saved him.
So that's vacation for me.... beautiful sunshine, watching my other children having fun, all the while in my head blaming myself for my beautiful Nolan's death... and that will be my life until the day I die.
No comments:
Post a Comment