angry

i'm so angry.  I am mad at God.  I'm mad at myself.  That's really it.  God and me.  More God than me... I do NOT understand how He could let this happen.  Bad things happen all the time.  I have always questioned them.  There have been people that my family has prayed and prayed and prayed for that have died.

 Glenn Wright, father of 5, I think, maybe 6, was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago, right after he lost his job & lost his insurance!!!!  The whole thing sucked!  One of his 5 kids was a fairly new baby... He had soooo many people praying for him.  But he died. 

Natalie, sweet 4 year old neice of my friend Stephanie... Found out she had a brain tumor, I think in April of 2012.  So many people praying.  She died in September or October.  Can't remember which now.   Why???

There have been so many others.  Innocents, fathers, mothers....

Never does death make sense when it is a child.  I have heard so many horrible stories and always think "why"... but honestly, I feel like Nolan's death makes sense less than any of them... How does a 13 year old boy go to bed "healthy" and die in his sleep????? I know now that he wasn't technically "healthy", he had a virus that attacked his heart.  Well, then why didn't he have severe symptoms that we could have treated???? Why God???? Why?????   How can YOU let that happen?  If you are the creator of our world, if YOU listen to prayers, if you care about us lowly humans, then HOW can you let something so awful and senseless happen?????  I'm angry, angry, angry!!!!!!!!!  

If God truly listened to our prayers, then why is my prayer of more than 13 years of keeping Nolan healthy & safe ignored????

All this crap about things happening for a reason... yeah, right... whatever.  There's NO reason for this.  Nothing could make any sense from this.  Nothing.  The pain that this has caused my family.  The loss of the the entire world of such a wonderful person as Nolan.  No sense.  He was just such a special, special kid with so much to offer the world!!!!!!  He played outside all day!!!!  He ate a lot of food!  He acted FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How?  Why?  WHY??????? 

I'm angry.  And I just wonder how I can ever feel a trust for God again.  Or Love.  I don't feel any love for God right now.  I'm just too filled with anger.