some nights I just go to bed scared... scared that i'm going to wake up to another child dead in bed. I hate it. I second guess everything. my kids complain about some minor tummy ache, chest thing, headache, leg ache.... I worry. because I didnt' worry enough with Nolan. but then, I think, they are fine. but Nolan was fine. see... it's awful. everything about this is awful. everything. even when I feel decent and laugh, that's awful. I shouldn't laugh. I shouldn't feel decent, even for a moment. tonight is a scared night.... i'm so scared. in addition to my immense sadness, i'm just so scared.
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