there are days where i just feel even more empty

today was one of them.... I played a song a couple times that always makes me cry about Nolan.  I didn't cry.  the only tears I shed today were when my feelings got a little hurt at a person's probably unintentional remark that made me think they think my kids are poorly behaved.... that brought some tears.  but I didnt' cry about Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  I feel like, gosh, I don't even know how to explain it.  I look at his pictures and there's this unreality of it, I feel hazy today, like none of it is real.  yet, it's so real that I feel empty.  I felt sad today as I looked at photos from Nolan's birthday... but I didn't cry.  I needed to cry.  I was alone at home in the house, the best time for me to cry. I can let it all out, I can scream.  but I didn't.  I just felt foggy.  I've been obsessing about this website called bubblews because i'm trying to earn money for Christmas on there because otherwise no idea how we will afford gifts this year.  and really, with the suckiness of Nolan not being here, i'd hate for the gifts to be sucky too.  I know that isn't what it's about.... but still, the kids deserve some magic.  and so, i'm spending loads of time on this website trying to earn a few bucks to help with Christmas.  anyway... that's what I have thought about today.  I guess my distractions worked today if I didn't cry.  but I kind of wanted to since I was home alone.  and I didn't.  empty.