Writing my Pain

as time wears on and December 31, 2012 grows to be more of a memory to others, I know that more and more friends of mine think I should be moving on, the pain should be lessening.  I feel less inclined to write how deep the pain continues to be, how deep it will always be. 

there are those who think "stop wallowing for God's sake!"

I know it.  even if they do not say it.

I'm not wallowing.  I'm living it.  I'm struggling to exist each day because of it.  I get out of bed.  I take care of the other children.  I put on a "happy-ish" face. 

But the pain is deep. 

Out of nowhere, one day I will suddenly think of the fact that Nolan said his chest hurt the night before he died.  He said it once.  I asked him a couple of questions, chalked it up to his asthma.  I screwed up.  I cannot forget that.  That will NEVER go away.

Or there are the thoughts of the horrific morning.  They pop up.  (thankfully not as often as they did in the beginning)

Often when I am at church, the funeral and wake come to mind.  Today I cried as I thought how that is the last place I laid eyes on his human form.  I don't pay much attention in church these days.

So this is where I come to let it all hang out.  And if you think I should get over losing my child, well, stop reading. 

This is my place to cry

This blog is where I vent, scream, cry, yell, whine, scream, cry, scream, cry....

I don't write my happy thoughts here. 

I write about how I see a picture of Nolan and I cannot believe that is all I have left.  I write about the ache I feel inside and how it isn't any better.

I have another place I write where I try to share happier thoughts.  This is where I show my sorrow.  I put on a "happy" face for the world and at times it is truly exhausting.  so I come here where I can take off the mask.  I take it off and I cry, scream, vent. 

Nolan's death is the most unbelievable, horrifying, cruel thing that could have ever happened. 

And I am still in a living hell because of it. 

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real.  it's been 18 months.  some people might say "get on with your life!"  and they do not know.  they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again.  my life as I knew it is over.  this is a new worse life.  that's the fact jack.  it's worse.  I hate that.  I hate it for my other children.  but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare.  how can this be true?  how can something so horrible be true?

 I worry about my other children.  I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older.  I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.