fear sucks almost as much as losing you

in bed, scared.  2 years ago you went to bed and didn't wake up.  we had no warning.  no real warning. 

you were 13

now liam is 13.  and he is always worried that something is wrong with him.  what if someday something actually is wrong and I miss it because he has always worried for no reason?  what if?  that scares me.  i'm scared of losing him.  i'm scared of losing all of my children.

I hate that you are gone Nolan.  it's not fair.  it's not right. 

I miss you.  I love you.

two years.

Christmas Eve

Two years ago, I had five living children in a house too small for their growing bodies.  There was rowdy wrestling, loud boys laughing, happiness. 

Christmas Eve was a lovely evening at mass then home to get ready for bed for what would be our final Christmas as a complete family.  We had no idea. 

How could we have known?

Tomorrow is Our Birthday

Fifteen years ago, at this very moment, I was being told that you were coming in a few short hours.  I was about to become a mother. 

 I miss you so much Nolan.

 Happy birthday. 

A Prayer

Please God, Sickness now frightens me.  And it's not a normal fear.  It's irrational, yet very rational because I know what the sickness can do.  But please, please, please.  I beg of you.  Let the sickness pass us by this year.  Help me to be better about keeping my kids away from germs.  Please.  And if we do have to get sick, please let it not kill us again. 
Please.

I Hate Being Sick

Viruses are now potential killers and it scares me.  I hate the fact that I am queasy and feel slightly achy.  I hate it.  I hate worrying that my kids might die.  That I might die.  That Patrick might die.  That my folks, my friends, my family might die. 

Why would you invent something like myocarditis God?  Why?

The Fear is Too Much

The fear is too much.  Sometimes I just cannot handle this.  I wonder how to go through the next however many years of my life with such fear coursing through my body all of the time.  You add the fear to the grief and i  think it is taking such a toll on my physically, mentally, spiritually.

Get Me Through This (Then What?)

The expectations of getting through the holidays when you are grieving can be a bit much.  You know everyone is wondering how you are doing.

 You know that you wonder how you are doing.  But you keep "doing"  

And there is this build up. You know it's not going to be "right," but you try to make it wonderful for everyone, especially the kids. 

And honestly, even for yourself.

It's bad enough that God took your son, should He take all of your happy moments too?

So you try to enjoy it because you always have. 

 Christmas is your favorite time of the year.  And it still is.  Yet it is the most difficult time as well.

But let's face it.  EVERYTHING is difficult now. 

Saint Patrick's Day parade:  difficult

Summer Vacation:  Difficult

Swimming at the pools:  Difficult.

Party with friends:  Difficult.

 So the fact that the holidays are "difficult," really doesn't make them any different than the rest of your life these days. 

Life as you knew it is gone.

You have now entered "the new normal."

 In some ways, the joy of the holidays provide so much other distractions that those moments of distraction are pretty good. 

That doesn't mean you don't cry. 

That doesn't mean, in fact, that you aren't crying more this month of December.  you are.

After you make it through this, the second holidays, the second death-iversary, then what?  Does it get easier?  Some folks say it does.  I'm not sure that "easy" will ever describe this. 

It's like a man who loses his leg.  He will always miss it.  He learns to live without it because he has no choice. 

But he will always walk with a limp.