the sorrowful: October 2014

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Depressed

there's so much negativity in our house. i never know how much of it is normal. how much is due to the death of Nolan. all i know is that i don't like the way our family treats each other. i don't like how unhappy i must seem. how mean. how grouchy. i need to find a way to make this family the way it should be. well, it can't be how it "should" be because Nolan is dead. but how it can be in his absence. how can it be happy?

Sunday, October 19, 2014

I forgot

I had completely forgotten that I started another blog on here that is to be stories of my sweet boy, Nolan. my brain is just not the same. losing a child is so tiring, draining, horrible. I don't remember stuff often. I should make a point of writing on there daily. I miss Nolan so much.

Oh, I had a connection on another site tell me they hope that I just "get over what happened" to my son.... seriously?

Here's the post I wrote in response.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8998804-it-actually-happened

Friday, October 17, 2014

Will I Always Feel So Angry?

I wonder at times if I will always feel so angry. I have such ugly thoughts at times. Sometimes they are about me, my family, God, other people.

I'm just filled with hate.

On a photo that I shared on facebook much like the one I have attached to this post, someone wrote "He is always with you." And my first hateful thought was, NO HE IS NOT! HE IS BURIED IN THE GROUND!

such darkness permeates my being.

And it has aged me. oh it has aged me.

And I have gained weight. I look at myself and cannot believe how horrible I look. I feel like the ugliness of my soul is showing in the ugliness of me nowadays.

property of me.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Fall Photos without my Son

On Tuesday, we went to Loose Park to take annual fall photos of the children. The first fall that I took pictures was 2000 and my son, Nolan was just under a year old. I remember taking just a few shots of him amid the beautiful colors of the fallen leaves from the nearby maple tree. He sat upon a black bench holding a leaf. I didn't really think of the fact that I was starting a tradition. I was just there, a new mom, with my beautiful beloved child.

Fall of 2014 would have been the fifteenth year of photographing my children in the lovely autumn setting.

I skipped 2013. I didn't necessarily plan to skip it. I still wanted to keep the tradition because I know that is important for my other children. But I skipped it because Nolan had died.

Nolan died on December 31, 2012 sometime in the middle of the night because his heart had been infected by a normal, run-of-the-mill virus.

When fall of 2013 rolled around, I was suffering immense anxiety and grief, of course, over the loss. Time got away from me. We skipped the tradition.

So we dressed up on Tuesday for photos. Upon arrival at the park, I noticed that many of the leaves were still green. The lovely fall colors were not to be seen, but we were there. As our busy schedule makes things like this difficult, I moved forward with the tradition. It's still fall. The kids are still beautiful. I still took photos.

It was difficult to do so without my sweet child. I was sad. I was angry. I yelled at my twelve-year old son because he was misbehaving and I thought he should be understanding that this was tough for me.

2012

2014

I'm not writing as much about sorrow