i just get angrier and angrier with God

I wonder if I will ever find faith again.  I'm so angry with God.  Then I find myself doubting the existence of God.  Or believing there is a creator, but not a being who actually listens to or cares about prayers.  What happened to Nolan is so freaking unfair.  I will feel that way until the day I die.  Then I pray for a sign.  A real sign to give me strength to face the rest of my life without Nolan.  And I get nothing.  People say they see signs in birds, butterflies, clouds.... My problem with that is that because of my kids, I have always seen the birds, the butterflies, the clouds.  There is no sign there.  Then our smelly, but sweet dog dies.    Then Patrick's mom dies.  How fair is that?  Then his brother treats us like dirt.  How is all of this part of a plan?  How can my husband be made to suffer over and over.  How can my kids deserve so much pain?  Why can't I have a sign?  Why do I have to feel like an outcast at co-op, sitting alone at lunch while everyone else smiles and laughs?  Why is my beautiful son buried six feet under.  The thought of that makes me crazy.  Then I feel bad for letting piddly crap from co-op upset me.  Who cares