it's.not.fair.

God, please let me wake up from this nightmare.  please.

grieving

i went to my Dr the other day see about getting some medicine help with anxiety.  I've seen this Dr twice now. in general,i like her.  however, i was slightly put out by something she said during visit.  she said that "the grieving process takes about six months".... really??????????? do you think I'm going to be"done" grieving for beautiful Nolan six months from now? perhaps when you are grieving for someone else,not your child, it could be more"processed"..... i do not know. but my heart tells me,and so does allthe reading i have done on this horrible subject, my grief will last forever.  i Will not h get over this.  someday,far down sad road, i May be better, but i will always grieve.  i always will be sad.  a doctor should really know better than to make a comment like that

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....

Ciara

oh my poor girl.she is so scared.  every night asking if she's going to die.every day having tummy aches.   every day over and over telling me she feels weird.  now tonight telling me she thinks someone is going to die tonight.  is it any wonder I can't sleep?  she has me freaked out tonight.  I don't think I will sleep at all tonight.  I'm so tired, but I need to keep checking on my kids

I miss Nolan

from the deepest part of my soul,I miss my son.

when I  awake in the morning s, he should be sitting on the couch because nine times out of ten, he beat me out of bed.  when I'm working on the house after lunch, he should be coming in the kitchen to tell me how nice it is outside and try to. convince me to stop what I'm doing and go out. when I'm trying to get everyone ready for bed, I should hear him having one of his great bedtime talks with daddy.  when I can't decide what to make for dinner, I should hear his mischievous voice say "noodles and company"  as he tried to use my weak spot to convince me were should eat out. when we are running late, I should hear him grumbling because he hates to be late.  when I get ready for bed, I should get to kiss my beautiful son goodnight and hear his sweet voice tell me he loves me.

none of this is right.  I miss Nolan so much

almost posted this under my other blog from happier days

my other blog is called "life and all its good stuff "  started at a time when I never expected my life to take such a shattering turn.  I feel like, now, how can I put words there? good stuff???  I'm grieving.  I will grieve forever.  you don't get over grief for your dead son....you just don't.  it has only been 27 days, but I already know that.  but this weekend proved that there is still some happiness to be had even in this dark night.

first, we spent three very full days at the great wolf lodge compliments of nana and Patrick's siblings.  the kids had a great time.  and when Patrick and I let ourselves, we enjoyed the time with the kids.  yes, there was plenty of sadness mixed in.  Nolan should have been there.  he should be here, period, now.  and that hole will be there, always.... any fun family time we have... Nolan should be there.  but the kids deserve to have fun family times nonetheless.

more good stuff that we experienced is the amazing outpouring of love and support from our homeschool community.  while we were at the lodge, they did an extreme makeover on our home....for for days people were working on our home.  people worked from seven am to three am.  kids and grown ups working together, fixing things that have needed fixed forever.  it blows me away.  people donated their time, their money for us.  people we know from this and that. friends,  some closer friends, some merely acquaintances, even a total stranger.   they even had a priest come bless the house. what amazing people.  I now know what kind of a person I need to be. these people are all so selfless, so kind, so generous,so amazing. I need to be that way.

 so in this dark, dark night of my soul, I got to appreciate some good stuff this weekend thanks to our loving family and our faithful homeschool community.

Liam without Nolan

my sweet Liam.... before this tragedy, I worried a lot about Liam being in Nolan' s shadow. now I worry exponentially more.

Liam and Nolan......for eleven years, the two names have been said together more often than not.  the two boys were together more often than not.  Liam and Nolan, wrestling....climbing trees.... laughing at some silly boy humor....making up some game....digging holes in the back yard....playing catch....playing soccer...playing ghost....playing don't touch the ground.....swimming....walking in the neighborhood....building with legos....drawing side by side....watching movies....for years, sleeping in the same bed... teasing each other....standing up for each other....fighting each other....being best friends without even realizing it.

Liam lost something so precious.  we all did, of course.  but Liam and Nolan had a really special life together.  I look at Liam and catch glimpses of sadness.  he is going to be sad.  that is natural.  I just wonder how his sorrow will change who he is.

Liam has said several really neat things about Nolan being in heaven, positive ways to look at things.  I have been really proud of him for talking about it.

I also worry because he found Nolan....I know I cannot get the images of that dreadful morning out of my head.  I hope he can.  he did say to me one day that he doesn't picture Nolan like he found him, but like he always looked.

I pray that Liam somehow comes out of this stronger.  I pray that he and Logan form special bonds.  I pray that he and ciara enjoy each other more.  I pray that my sadness doesn't shadow his life.I pray he be joyful in life. I pray that Nolan will watch over Liam in a special way from heaven.