it's.not.fair.

God, please let me wake up from this nightmare.  please.

grieving

i went to my Dr the other day see about getting some medicine help with anxiety.  I've seen this Dr twice now. in general,i like her.  however, i was slightly put out by something she said during visit.  she said that "the grieving process takes about six months".... really??????????? do you think I'm going to be"done" grieving for beautiful Nolan six months from now? perhaps when you are grieving for someone else,not your child, it could be more"processed"..... i do not know. but my heart tells me,and so does allthe reading i have done on this horrible subject, my grief will last forever.  i Will not h get over this.  someday,far down sad road, i May be better, but i will always grieve.  i always will be sad.  a doctor should really know better than to make a comment like that

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....

Ciara

oh my poor girl.she is so scared.  every night asking if she's going to die.every day having tummy aches.   every day over and over telling me she feels weird.  now tonight telling me she thinks someone is going to die tonight.  is it any wonder I can't sleep?  she has me freaked out tonight.  I don't think I will sleep at all tonight.  I'm so tired, but I need to keep checking on my kids

I miss Nolan

from the deepest part of my soul,I miss my son.

when I  awake in the morning s, he should be sitting on the couch because nine times out of ten, he beat me out of bed.  when I'm working on the house after lunch, he should be coming in the kitchen to tell me how nice it is outside and try to. convince me to stop what I'm doing and go out. when I'm trying to get everyone ready for bed, I should hear him having one of his great bedtime talks with daddy.  when I can't decide what to make for dinner, I should hear his mischievous voice say "noodles and company"  as he tried to use my weak spot to convince me were should eat out. when we are running late, I should hear him grumbling because he hates to be late.  when I get ready for bed, I should get to kiss my beautiful son goodnight and hear his sweet voice tell me he loves me.

none of this is right.  I miss Nolan so much

almost posted this under my other blog from happier days

my other blog is called "life and all its good stuff "  started at a time when I never expected my life to take such a shattering turn.  I feel like, now, how can I put words there? good stuff???  I'm grieving.  I will grieve forever.  you don't get over grief for your dead son....you just don't.  it has only been 27 days, but I already know that.  but this weekend proved that there is still some happiness to be had even in this dark night.

first, we spent three very full days at the great wolf lodge compliments of nana and Patrick's siblings.  the kids had a great time.  and when Patrick and I let ourselves, we enjoyed the time with the kids.  yes, there was plenty of sadness mixed in.  Nolan should have been there.  he should be here, period, now.  and that hole will be there, always.... any fun family time we have... Nolan should be there.  but the kids deserve to have fun family times nonetheless.

more good stuff that we experienced is the amazing outpouring of love and support from our homeschool community.  while we were at the lodge, they did an extreme makeover on our home....for for days people were working on our home.  people worked from seven am to three am.  kids and grown ups working together, fixing things that have needed fixed forever.  it blows me away.  people donated their time, their money for us.  people we know from this and that. friends,  some closer friends, some merely acquaintances, even a total stranger.   they even had a priest come bless the house. what amazing people.  I now know what kind of a person I need to be. these people are all so selfless, so kind, so generous,so amazing. I need to be that way.

 so in this dark, dark night of my soul, I got to appreciate some good stuff this weekend thanks to our loving family and our faithful homeschool community.

Liam without Nolan

my sweet Liam.... before this tragedy, I worried a lot about Liam being in Nolan' s shadow. now I worry exponentially more.

Liam and Nolan......for eleven years, the two names have been said together more often than not.  the two boys were together more often than not.  Liam and Nolan, wrestling....climbing trees.... laughing at some silly boy humor....making up some game....digging holes in the back yard....playing catch....playing soccer...playing ghost....playing don't touch the ground.....swimming....walking in the neighborhood....building with legos....drawing side by side....watching movies....for years, sleeping in the same bed... teasing each other....standing up for each other....fighting each other....being best friends without even realizing it.

Liam lost something so precious.  we all did, of course.  but Liam and Nolan had a really special life together.  I look at Liam and catch glimpses of sadness.  he is going to be sad.  that is natural.  I just wonder how his sorrow will change who he is.

Liam has said several really neat things about Nolan being in heaven, positive ways to look at things.  I have been really proud of him for talking about it.

I also worry because he found Nolan....I know I cannot get the images of that dreadful morning out of my head.  I hope he can.  he did say to me one day that he doesn't picture Nolan like he found him, but like he always looked.

I pray that Liam somehow comes out of this stronger.  I pray that he and Logan form special bonds.  I pray that he and ciara enjoy each other more.  I pray that my sadness doesn't shadow his life.I pray he be joyful in life. I pray that Nolan will watch over Liam in a special way from heaven.

waves of sadness

yesterday I made it almost the entire day without that horrible knot in my stomach...I didn't all out cry until nearly bedtime. I enjoyed time with the other kids.today, I'm waking up with the knot.  just thinking how small our family seems now....kids are watching some tv show in the hotel room and the mom just said she had five kids.... I miss my crowded house.  I miss feeling like we are falling over each other.

the good, the bad, yeah, mostly the bad.... sorry

Add caption

I don't want to inundate my friends on Facebook with my grief, my sorrow, my pain.  I have always kind of lived out loud on fb from sharing my children's exploits to my adventures in the kitchen to my passion for lord of the rings.... my statuses have ranged from mundane (guess what I had for dinner) to exciting (it's a girl#!)...  the death of Nolan hasn't been something I have talked about in my little status updates each day on fb.  oh I have a couple times briefly... of course, but not only is it just too much sorrow to share like that, but I really don't want everyone to feel sad....I know I'm going to have that effect now on people.  when they see me, for a long time, they will feel sad.  sometimes, random crazy bereaved mom thought, when I'm in a public place and I feel the heaviness in my heart and behind my eyes, I want to walk up to strangers and say, my son just died....he was 13 and we still don't know what happened.... but I don't.... I watch the strangers going on with their lives....I scan their faces to see if I see any signs of sorrow.   if I see an elderly person, I especially look at them....they have had more time to experience something tragic. wonder why I want strangers to know my sadness....

perhaps it is my anger at the world for going on....how dare these people lead a normal life when my precious son was taken from me.  or maybe it is simply that I am consumed by sorrow.  consumed.this anguish taints the entire world now.


so writing here, living out loud, I can say a little more about my thoughts and feelings than I can on fb.  and if someone wants to read it, it is here.... but no one has to

it's that time of night

I thought perhaps I'd sleep better tonight.  we are in a hotel room, all in the same room.  I was wrong. I did doze for a few minutes near midnight'...but yeah, that didn't count.  I'm listening to every of sound my kids make.  I'm reliving the worst day of my life, Dec 31,2012',  in my mind. the night is so dark and it seems to be best ignored by reading  pinterest, Facebook, playing words with friends, checking email..all until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
we were given the gift of three nights at a hotel with water slides, pools, etc, by my husband's siblings and mother this weekend.  the kids are loving it.I'm mildly distracted for a bit, then in tears...it is really for the kids though and I'm happy that can enjoy themselves.  Liam seems sad.  I know he misses Nolan.

while we are out of our house, the homeschool community is cleaning and fixing at our house.I'm embarrassed at the sight of my house.  I'm scared of them doing too much.  I don't want the memories of Nolan to be wiped away by accident...I'm grateful for the love and kindness they are showing our family. I'd trade all of it if I could have Nolan back. I'd trade my life for his.  I'd spend my life in solitary confinement if I knew he was living out here with the rest of the family. I would be a friendless, lonely soul if I could have Nolan back.

one a.m.

here I am.  thing is I was so tired that my eyes were drooping by eleven.  I was asleep by midnight.  then my daughter keeps talking and finally woke me up.  how can God have planned this nightmare?  what good is coming from a nine year old girl who is scared, can't sleep, and is falling back into some obsessive compulsive things again.

in the spring, my daughter started these obsessive behaviors like thinking she had put something in her mouth when she hadn't and worrying about it over and over.  it was interfering with school, she couldn't get through half her subjects in one day.  then, thankfully, it seemed to stop.  it is back now and possibly worse.  how can that be a good thing?  I feel like it is driving her and I both nuts.

how can me getting no sleep be good...or Patrick?  the other day I was driving out of my driveway and almost hit someone walking their dog.  I'm a very safe driver normally.  so I'm thinking this exhaustion played a role in that near miss.  Patrick drives a distance to work daily.  is it good for him to be operating on little to no sleep?

I'm so exhausted and haven't even been giving my precious children the attention they need.  shouldn't I have learned the precious time we have is brief and therefore I should be spending the best time with my four remaining on earth kids???? you would think.  but I'm tired and exhausted and doing nothing.  every single thing takes such an enormous amount of energy.

feeling sick

the physical symptoms from this horrible grief are awful.  my tummy hurts almost constantly.  there's a vague ache in my chest.  I'm often nauseous.  headaches come and go.  I am lying in bed right now with an enormous pressure in my stomach.  I need to call the Dr.  I really don't want to be medicated though.  this anxious feeling already feels like it is taking a toll on me.  I drank half a glass of red wine tonight hoping it would relax me.... it did not.  it didn't even taste good.  which is good I suppose.... in the grief literature, I'm earned of people turning to alcohol or food... neither of those sound all that good right now.  also warned of potential martial problems.  so far I feel like Patrick and I are totally leaning on each other.  anxiety and depression'.well I do worry about both of those since I have suffered from anxiety a lot in the past and the occasional depression......I hate the anxiety feeling (as I feel out right now)......

were there symptoms and we missed it?

I will always question some of my choices that I made concerning Nolan...  I think twice he told me he had a pain or just feeling in his chest.  not super recently, but within a few months.  both times I asked him to do his inhaler and asked if it felt like asthma.he did not continue to complain.  so I chalked it up to nothing.  my kids always have been slightly paranoid about every physical symptom.  so as a mom,I have tried to make them fear not.  because most of the time it is nothing....I now wonder if I had taken him to the Dr, if he would still be here.  did his chest still hurt and he just didn't tell me?  did he think . that he didn't want to bother me?

also, my memory stinks, but I think the night before we lost my precious boy, he told me something was bugging him when I said it was time to do dishes..... I cannot remember what now.  why can't I remember????   sometimes the kids do that though when it is time for a chore.  so I said "it is a good thing there aren't a lot of dishes then."  the thing is, he didn't complain the rest of the night.  he watched a movie, said prayers with daddy, ate a bunch of food..... I think he would have mentioned it if something was still bugging him. and he did act fine all evening.  what if though???
what an absolute epic failure I am if those three times had to do with this horribly wrong mysterious death???????????     and why can't I remember his exact words from that night???

see Liam has also complained of chest stuff here and there....but always briefly.  and we always thought it was nothing because it stopped quickly.  since this hell started, we had Liam have a huge cardiac checkup... everything looked fine, but we still have more checking to do.  one night his chest hurt and I made Patrick take him to er.  he was fine.  they said it was his chest muscles, not his heart.. how do you know though?  now I feel like I must take my kids for every little symptom.
when Nolan had a big mole on his shoulder a couple years ago, he was convinced he had skin cancer and was so scared. he was so paranoid for awhile about any Sun touching his shoulder.  we really had to work to make him not be scared.  he had the mole removed, it was fine.  but he was a little hypochondriac-ish.  so you see, for mental health, I always tried to make my kids NOT worry when they had a headache, tummy ache, chest ache....  I thought I was being a good mom.

I should say that I am a hypochondriac of sorts.  and when the kids would complain of symptoms, I would worry.... but I'd tell myself to chill out...the kids were healthy, nothing to worry about. I'm saying this all in past tense...I still worry, even more so now.  I have always worried about health stuff in me and my kids... yet here we are.

the kids will tell me every time something"feels funny"..... like a strange ache in the shoulder, a tummy ache, sore finger....  what if some THING that felt funny with Nolan was IT.....the cause of this anguish.  what if my attempts to stop my kids from being hypochondriac s were the cause if missing something important????? what if Nolan just didn't want to bother me?  what have I done wrong to make him think he is a bother????   I'm always distracted, busy, tired, grumpy.....  what if he just did not want to bother me....  I feel so responsible for his death.  I feel like i should have known.  I feel like I missed something.  I'm his mom.  it is my job to keep him safe.  I failed

awake

everything about this is hard...there is not one thing good.  something especially hard is hearing my sweet husband speak with such despair.  this is a man who has faced so many trials in the last few years.  and he always faced them with such a positive attitude.  none of those trials compare to this of course.  nothing in life can compare to t this nightmare, this hell on earth.   we trudge on though only because we have to.we have four beautiful kids forcing us to do that.  really we have five forcing us to do it because if you think about Nolan, he does not want us to crawl into a hole and never come out.  that would make him so sad.  oh but it is hell....knowing I won't be able to hug him, talk to him, watch him be silly, watch him wrestle with Liam, watch him play soccer, listen to him laugh, witness him grow up.  that was all snatched away from us and we do not even know why....hell

Sunday morning

we are sitting drinking coffee, the kids watching cartoons before we head to church.  such a normal thing to do, but it is far from normal.  our small crowded house feels empty.  there should be a growing teenage boy squeezed in between me and Liam on the couch.
yesterday we had a busy day...busy is good I guess.  it distracts a little.... I spent a lot of the day at a friend's house.  Liam and daddy joined us after the scout campout and we spent the evening with them, dinner, drinks.  the whole time, my mind is thinking how Nolan should be there.  we met these friend around the time that Nolan was turning one.  their son Edward's birthday only two days earlier.  the boys have celebrated almost every birthday together.  every single time Edward was talking to me or his mom, my heart was aching because Nolan wasn't there talking to me.  I love Edward and his siblings because I have watched them grow, but it was painful to be around him last night.  I hope that eases up a bit.  I don't see how it will though.

as I drove home, I was saddened because the last time we drove down that street, I was bringing Nolan home from Edward's birthday party less than a month ago.  it feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

horrible stories

I keep hearing these horrible stories... things that have made me think that as horrible as this is, there are actually a few things that could be worse.  the stories don't make me feel better, however they make me appreciate the blessings that I do have in my marriage and my other children.
I heard a story of as woman whose ex husband murdered their three daughters.  how could she survive that?  she has survived though with love and support from friends and family.  but I know her heart is broken.
heart broken....we use that term when boys break up with girls and so on....I remember thinking my heart was broken by boys 1,2,3, and4'.  yeah not even close to this true heart break.
another story, a father and two sons froze to death in Missouri while out for a little hike. leaving a mom and two other siblings, horrifying.
another, a fourteen year old girl is murdered by a troubled sixteen year old that the family had taken into their home out of kindness.

it is all so very sad

another night passed...maybe three hours of sleep

Patrick and I were talking yesterday about how this sadness will never ever g go away.... the rest of our life on earth e we will be sad that we were robbed of our son, Nolan.  Patrick, who had always been an optimistic, cheerful person even when facing all kinds of other things in the past, is now a sad person for always....I, whom used to be"happy-go-lucky" Jill will never be that person again.  I feel ancient now, I feel the sorrow that I have only read about in my many books.  only its so much worse.  I already wonder when or if, I guess I should say, people will want to pull away from me because I'm just too sad to be around....right now every person wants to comfort me, but eventually everyone else gets to move on in their own life.  not me, not us.  my very best friend Nancy lost her brother two years ago. she has experienced enough grief that I think she will be ok with my new self.  but other people will probably start to move the other way when they see me coming because I will just make them sad.  in the short time since this has happened,I have even physically aged....I used to look a teeny but younger than my age, now I look older.  I don't really care about that, my vanity is gone, but it is just an observation....  I'm sure the lack of sleep hasn't helped. or the fact that I haven't brushed my hair for probably a week.

I can't sleep

we don't know what killed my beautiful son, Nolan.  he went to bed seemingly healthy and never woke up. as we struggle through this horrifying pain, we are also facing this immense fear.  we are scared to death!!!! what about our other four children?  what if it is hereditary? what if the same thing happens to one of the others?  I'd pray for God to protect them but I'm having a little hard time trusting God right now when he is the one who took Nolan from me. an autopsy was performed, but results take a long time and even then may be inconclusive.... really??? so we are looking into genetic testing for the kids.  in the meanwhile,I can't sleep.  I'm scared.  and every night my daughter asks me if she's going to die in her sleep too.  she is scared.  my body wants sleep.my brain is afraid of it.  oh God we need answers soon.  it won't bring Nolan back. but it may help the rest of US to function again. my daughter just fell  asleep....it is 2:25am...... that isn't good for her.  this isn't good for me . my tummy hurts and I'm exhausted and I'm sad, oh so enormously sad

Nolan's Poetry

Here are a lot of Nolan's poems written between the ages of 9-10.  How could God take away this beautiful boy????

Love

Love is your true and most might strength.

It’s how your heart grows at length.

Love keeps you alive, love makes life great.

Love lets you do kindness and keeps you from hate.

If your love is really true,

Say to your loved ones “I love you.”

The Gift of Art

Art can come in many ways

You don’t keep it for hours, you don’t keep it in days.

It’s your one and only life. It seems

You and art make a perfect team.

There are many arts in the human race,

So find your art and take your place

Christmas

Christmas is full of love and joy

And every child should be holding a tory.

Give to every girl and boy

From Canada to Illinois.

Travelling

From Northern bank to Southern Shore,

I went far and far I went

To Eastern gate and Western door,

Very far I was sent.

I went to every continent,

Until every coin I had spent,

And after, was very poor

And then I walked through heaven’s door.

And now I walk no more.

Devil

I’m an omen they say,

And an omen they call me.

I’m out and night and day,

Nothing can befall me.

I’m Satan, I’m Satan,

I have many pranks.

Only *my* people give me thanks.

I try to capture every soul,

And when I have them they do my roll.

They kill, they murder,

They break everything.

They do not laugh,

They do not sing.

Some people think I’m on the level,

But it’s me, and I’m the devil.

The Greatness of Heaven

With many sights never seen,

With things people dream of only once,

With flashing colors of blue and green,

With birds, like acrobats, doing stunts.

With all of the wonders in the world,

With very much greatness wide and deep,

With beds of roses so soft I could curl

Up with a blanket of roses fast asleep.

You can walk barefoot through the trees,

With no biting mosquitos or stinging bees.

With all the wonders on the earth,

A place you would have wanted to see

Since your very birth.

When you decide to walk no more,

You shall walk through heaven’s door.

The Hunted Deer

I’m running through the trees.

I hear a Bang! Bang! Bang!

Here comes the danger bird through the woods,

And this is what it sang:

“The hunter is coming, the hunter is coming,

With his fire stick.

He makes it go Bang! Bang! Bang!

By giving it a flick.”

Oh no! Oh no! a Bang! Bang! Bang!

A bird has dropped from the sky!

The fire stick that goes Bang! Bang! Bang!

Has shot the bird in the eye.

I trip on a rock and fall to the ground

And then Iook and look and around,

And then I hear a sound....

Bang! Bang! Bang!

A pain in my chest.

There’s blood

all over my breast.

I’m going into a tunnel,

and very soon I’ll reach the funnel.

I’m walking on a soft grass floor,

But on earth I walk no more.

If Only If Only

Homeless and poor, and very lonely,

I want to have shelter, if only if only.

Homeless and poor and very sad,

Everything goes wrong and very very bad.

The wolf looks into the skies and is very lonely,

With whimpering cries, if only, if only.

I Have Never

I have never seen a snake until it went across my path.

I have never been clean until I took a bath.

I’ve never drank water until it went down my throat.

I’ve never walked over a bridge until it was over a moat.

There are so many things I have never seen or one.

But when they fall along my path,

I look at every one.

Armour of Light

Oh Armor of light, please help us fight

The sin from down below.

For it’s you oh God, who gives the right

That lets the armour show.

For the diamonds and jewels we make for you

By doing good for all.

But by doing bad, the evil grew,

Making the diamonds fall.

Protect us from sin, oh armour of light,

From evil and all sin.

Keep the embers burning bright,

Repeating “Amen, Amen.”

Stars

Stars above me, oh so high,

Stars above me in the sky.

Stars over me lying in the grass,

Shooting stars running past.

Stars, stars in the air.

Stars, stars everywhere.

Stars falling to the ground

With a thundering sound.

Parousia

The glory of heaven is coming,

A fire is ablazed in your heart.

Prepare for the end of sadness,

For today you have a new chart.

A chart that will go on forever.

Forever and ever Amen.

A chart written in fire,

A chart that will have no end.

On the stars you shall ride like a bird.

You shall glide and the sun shall hold your hand.

The birds shall sing to go God in the highest

All across the land.

An angel is here to tell you

That God has come.

A light is shining throughout the land

And no one knows where from.

God the Father

God, the Holy Spirit, Father, and Son.

All of us have father’s, but God is the only One.

Where Our Hearts Must Lie

Our hearts must dwell away from hell

And into our great Father Christ.

Sin is a very evil spell,

For there our hearts are iced.

Your life will stand still, stand still.

You won’t have your own will, your own will.

You’ll be iced, you’ll be iced,

Your hearts will be enticed.

You must get to the top of the hill.

 

The Devil

He’s evil and fat, much worse than a pig.

I heard that he’s bald and might wear a wig.

He has antlers for horns,

And nobody mourns

That he’s way way weaker than a twig.

I don’t think he has a brain.

His clan is insane.

The guy is worse than weird.

Nobody would want to marry

That guy who is not hairy.

Except his bum looks like it has a beard.

Here Comes the Time

Here comes the time where angels sing

And many many bells will ring.

Where footsteps ring all through the air

And children laughing everywhere.

And choirs of angels sing a tune

To all of the stars, and even the moon,

And out of the air comes a song

Ringing out loud and ringing out long.

The Chickadee

Chickadee, chickadee, on their way.

What happens around them, they don’t care.

Food for their brethren, and escaping prey,

Perching, perching everywhere.

They perch on wires and on the trees,

Flying with Summer and Spring in the breeze.

Colors flashing through the trees

Colors with a flare.

Black and white, pretty and bright,

On the dogwood trees and pine.

So small and teeny, such a sight!

Feathers so smooth and fine.

What a pleasure to hear, what a pleasure to see,

The repeating call of the chickadee.

America

America, America, my home and yours.

To make it great, do your chores.

America’s a place for you and me,

America’s the best place for you to be.

United States, what a beautiful word.

It has every kind of beautiful bird.

America has the greatest people,

And the American flag is on every steeple.

Ding dong!

Goes the Liberty Bell.

We American’s have conquered

The evil has fell.

Beast

I feel like an omen. I fill people with dread.

I would tear you apart like scissors do thread.

I’m very hungry. What can I eat?

I guess I’ll chew you, first your head, then your feet.

Owls

The owls hoot, screech and squawk

From its perch up in the three.

With its wings and many feathers makes

It move silently.

Plunging very sharp talons

Into unsuspecting prey.

It also stays awake at night

And goes to sleep at day.

So when you go camping at night

You won’t see a hawk.

But when you see an owl,

You will hear a hoot, a screech, or squawk.

Cows in Winter

In a farm in the winter with many cows,

There was not much food for the cows to eat.

There are many snow shovels and many plows.

In this kind of weather you can harvest no wheat.

The Desert Years

All alone, but still with God,

Trying to build is golden rod.

Holding onto ten in one stone.

Losing faith, even though we had known.

Forty years of chattering bones,

Eating sand and metal stones.

Forty years of hunger and thirst,

We treated Him last when God was first.

But forty years later we saw the blue sky,

And now forever the bird’s shall fly.

My Day

Today is my day, the day I was born.

The twenty second of December, one early morn.

A very small baby in one triple nine.

I was fine then. Still I am fine.

Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday again.

Then I was zero. Now I am 10.