14 Year olds Make Me Sad

14 year olds make me sad.  Whether they are friends of Nolan's or not, I see that someone is turning 14 and I am sad.  Hearing talk of kids starting high school makes me sad.  Nolan would be starting high school next year.  It makes me sad. 

I'm jealous and I'm angry

I'm angry at God.  Tonight at dinner, the kids were talking about how I'm mad at each of them the most.  What I mean by that is that Liam thinks I'm mad at Liam the most, Ciara thinks I'm mad at her the most, Logan thinks I'm mad at Logan the most, and so on.   Then I said something like, "oh, I'm mad at everyone."  And Liam say "oh, are you mad at God?" and I said "well, yes, I'm maddest at him."  And Liam says "why?"  and I said "why do you think?  because Nolan died."  And yes, I'm mad.  It's been 14 months and the anger has not subsided.  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm unforgiving.

I'm also jealous.  I see large, beautiful families.  My family of seven was right on the cusp of being considered a "big" family.... Now, with only 6 of us living, we are small.  I see the large families, the grown children surrounding their mothers.  I'm jealous.  We are small.

I have heard friends (and strangers) talk of their children starting high school next year.  Nolan should be starting high school next year.  I'm jealous and I'm angry. 

everything takes such an effort now

cooking is so draining.  I hate going in my kitchen.  dishes, ugh, always piled high in my sink.  I hate them.  I never make dessert.  I usually buy ice cream or something already made.  i'm lazy.

budgeting hasn't happened since Nolan's death.  we have spent so much money without paying attention.  time to start meal planning again. 

paying bills.  who can remember?  oh yeah, they are about to shut it off.... oops.  I better pay.

even reading books.  I love to read.  I haven't read a book since before chirstmas.  me.... over two months, no book. 

showering.  shaving legs.  effort.  ugh.

remembering anything. 

getting out of bed. 

being nice sometimes.  dealing with drama.  caring. 

reading to my kids.  I never do that anymore.  that makes me feel like a bigger failure than any of the other stuff.

video christmas 2011

Nolan's Chameleon

Nolan's pet chameleon died the other day.  Here's the story of how he bought him.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2353168-rest-in-peace-rango

nolan's videos

i was browsing through the photos and videos taken with his camera.  i was NOT surprised to see so many pictures of our pets and ella.  that's what he wanted to take pictures of.  he loved all of his pets.  he loved his baby sister.  anyway... i can't play all the videos on the laptop.  going to try to upload.

thoughts on loneliness

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2286898-this-thing-called-loneliness

Tears on my face

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2270096-tears-on-my-face

l

letting go: a poem

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2255699-letting-go