Sometimes I Don't Want it to get Easier

 Sometimes I think it is wrong to feel ok.  Sometimes I think it is wrong to smile.

Saying it is better is like saying it is ok that Nolan is gone. 

 Getting used to it is like getting used to living without a heart, a brain, lungs, limbs, and more. 

 Life without my son is never going to be ok.  Never.  Yet I must live on.  I must keep on.

 When I see his beautiful smile, his face lit up, his zest for life in photos, it is a reminder of what is lost.

 I'm grateful for my photographs of him, but they just emphasize the horror of our loss.

 He should be here.  We should not be here without him.  He should be here.

 Yes, two years later and I am still a broken record.  I still have a broken heart. 

 Not all broken hearts mend. 

 The broken heart of a bereaved mother is broken forever. 

 So it shouldn't be better and it really can't be. 

Tears at a Wedding

my husband and I attended a wedding tonight.  (I suppose since it is 4am, I should say yesterday)

he's not much of a dancer, but he likes to dance to slow songs. 

the live band performed "I Will Always Love You,"  to which we danced.

as we were dancing slowly, all I could think of was Nolan.  initially, I was imagining me saying the words to him.  Then I realized it was more appropriate to think of him saying them to me because the singer is the one to leave. 

and he left

he left me without a warning

not by choice, of course

but he left me.

the lyrics say something like "well I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love." 

yes, it's a love song, but isn't the love between parent and child unlike any other?

When It's Not Quite As Warm and Fuzzy as You Wish

Traditions.  Oh how I love traditions.

Do you ever find that the actual traditions don't always work out as warm and fuzzy and lovely and sweet as you hope? 

For example....

 

Today is the decorate the tree day, something I look forward to each year.

 

First my eleven year old daughter was being moody.

 

Next, my thirteen-year old was being thirteen.

 

Then he wasn't careful with one of Nolan's old ornaments.  That made me cry.  It didn't break, but a piece fell off. 

 

Then I had an angry tone with him.

 

It all ended with my daughter going into her room and slamming her door. 

 All the while, the Christmas songs are playing on the speakers.  We should be happy and cheerful.

 Of course, you have the sorrow I feel on top of it.  I'm sad.  Nolan was so good about the tree and decorating.  Sometimes it still feels like I am going to wake up from this nightmare. 

It's been almost two years, but I still feel like I should hear his voice at any time.

Does a parent ever get used to this?  I don't see how you do.  I mean, yes, you deal.  You have to. 

Many friends and even just mere acquaintances have said that what happened to Nolan MY SON has made them a better mother. 

Sometimes (in my grouchy brain), I think about saying "well, gee, i'm HAPPY for you." 

I don't.

I know they mean well.

But honestly, I am a worse mother since losing Nolan.  I feel short-tempered with my kids.  Sometimes I feel a little colder because my heart hurts so much that I feel like I put up a barrier. 

I digress.

Putting up the tree should be non-stop joy and happy times. 

Today it was not.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here.

My second without you. 

Most of the time I am just functioning, doing everything I have to do.  Then suddenly I feel tears because I see a picture of you.  I looked through pictures of your last thanksgiving. 

We were at my sister's house.  You and your little brother Logan helped uncle Bruce and your cousin chase to chop wood.  You loved to be productive. 

Today is the first time I will be at your Aunt Brenda's house since you died. 

I will see your ghost everywhere I am sure:  playing board games, eating turkey legs, watching tv in the living room, out in her backyard, her front yard, playing the piano. 

You will be missing.  You will be missed. 

I miss you always.

Joyous Grief?

How do you put the two together?  Joy and grief?  How? 

Grief often feels like it is swallowing me whole. 

I've talked about the physical feelings of it.  It often feels like I am drowning. 

I miss my son so much.

Yet....

He's not my only child.  I have four other children who do bring me joy. 

I smiled today as I watched the youngest run down the hall nearly naked because she needed to reach the bathroom.    Seeing her chubby little legs moving like that brings me joy. 

My eight year old son is still so young and sweet and innocent.  His voice still has that childish quality that makes me melt inside when he says I Love You.  He brings me joy when he snuggles next to me on the sofa.

Then there's the eleven-year old daughter who loves to be helpful.  And you can tell just how much she still needs her momma and daddy.  Her smile brings me joy.

Of course, there is sometimes discord between the thirteen year old son and myself, but I love him.  He is fun to sit and talk to as he grows up.  He still likes to snuggle in next to me on the couch.  He brings me joy.

But I am sad.  I have a hard time rectifying the two. 

I do put myself in the here and now most of the time.  Then I feel guilty because sometimes I push Nolan's image out of my head.  I am sad when I look at him.  I miss him, I want to look at him. 

It's not easy.

And it's not right.

A mother should not bury her child ever.  The child should bury the mother.  When they are both old!

Thirteen years was not enough time with my son.

Signs from our Lost Loved Ones

I ask for signs and I do not get them.
Some would beg to differ as I have shared a couple stories of touching coincidences.   Although the coincidences felt like a small gift from my son, these weren't quite the signs that I hoped for. 

Stories abound of visits in the night during a state of sleep or scents that could only be some supernatural or sounds or feelings. 

I have had nothing like that.  Nothing.

I have prayed to God and asked for something, even just some sort of comfort.  I tried praying and praying in the beginning.  I felt empty.  I stopped praying.

It makes it hard to have faith. 

A mother who loses her child like I did needs something, SOMETHING!  If there is a God who cares, you would think He would be sympathetic. 

But no. 

Nothing.

Christmas Time Again

well, we made it through the second Halloween without you.  how do we do it?  how do we make it?  i'm not sure other than we have to.

This week will be Thanksgiving number two without you. 

And we begin the decorating for Christmas this week.  Christmas and your birthday, my favorite times of year.  It feels so bittersweet without you.  Is it wrong that I still love this time of year?  I'm sure it is because I have the other children to keep the excitement and joy going for me.  I am sure it will get harder the closer we get to Christmas.  Then after Christmas is even more tough because it leads to the day of your death, December 31, 2012. 

I hate those words "the day of your death."  They just sounds F...ed up. 

I miss you so much.