six months

six months ago my world was shattered...  my son Nolan unexpectedly died in his sleep. 

 I've always been a worrier.  since becoming a mother, that intensified, was multiplied by 1,000 percent... worrying about something happening to my kids, worrying about something happening to me and therefore, not being there for my kids, worrying about something happening to Patrick and therefore, the kids growing up without a dad... I worried about car accidents, cancer, playtime accidents, school shootings, bike wrecks, boys & knives, asthma attacks, something horrible happening during hide and seek, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug use, alcohol use, overdoses....  so many worries. 

I didn't worry about my wonderful son Nolan going to bed on December 30, 2012 because he seemed totally healthy.  His asthma hadn't been acting up really, maybe a little coughing here and there that week, but not much.  He played outside much of the afternoon.  He ate plenty that day and night.  He acted fine.  I didn't worry about him one bit when I lay down to go to sleep that night. 

I didn't worry about a virus attacking his heart cells and killing him in his sleep. 

I didn't worry about that...

Yet....

Six months ago that happened.  Six months ago, Nolan died.  I hate those words so much.  Nolan died.  It's been six months since I talked to my son.  Six months since I kissed him goodnight, hugged him.  Six months since I made him do dishes.  Six months since I heard his voice.  Six months since he ate his birthday nutella... Six months since we sat and watched the avengers together.  Six months since he sat and prayed with his dad. 

Six months of hell. 

Six months. 

I miss you Nolan.